Is this domestic violence or am I partly to blame?

[MumToBe1980]

I am away at holiday park with my husband, and 2 children (6 and 10). We went out for tea, then husband told kids we could go to a pub on the site with soft play. I wasn't really pleased with this as kids are tired and I want to get them home. Husband had 3 pints over evening, home at 8:15 so not really late. We are sniping at each other which is all we seem to do then I said great let's get a divorce, he pushes me and says you can't get a divorce if your dead. He gets angry. Kids are crying. Is this domestic abuse? He is a angry person who is getting more and more aggressive, not really physically but shouting over the slightest thing. He has been physically aggressive on odd occasions during arguments in the past.
I would like to divorce as i don like him never mind love him but I don't trust him to look after our kids. He is very lapse when it comes to safety, e.g on holiday last year my 10 yrsr old was just learning to swim, my husband was meant to be watching him, he sets my son off swimming down the middle if the pool where he can't stand, then swims off with back to him and starts talking to a couple with his back to our son.There are lots more examples. I planned to stay until kids were older, maybe 10 and 13, but im not sure I xan do it as so sad for them to have to like with such an angry dad. Sorry for long post.
So is this domestic violence? I think i do know how to wind him up, he says im a mental bully. Would you stay in a relationship just so you could keep your kids safe?

Yes of course it is - physical and verbal. Can you call women’s aid? When it’s safe to do so?

Yes it is, OP. Do you have any support around you? Could you contact Women’s Aid to get some advice tomorrow? They’re a wonderful charity

Yes, threats of death are DV. Shoving you is DV. Women are at the highest risk of homicide when they are leaving or immediately after they have left a partner. Please call a DV service to get help putting a safety plan in place, particularly if you intend to leave.

you can't get a divorce if your dead.
That is a really chilling thing to say. You need to take that very seriously OP.

Please reach out for help and advice

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

OP, please report that comment to the police if you feel safe to do so, failing that a DV support line. He's not safe.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

Yes this definitely sounds like DV, so sorry you’re in this position. I think it’s better long term than you leave (agree with PP, with a safety plan already in place) rather than endure this and make your kids endure this too. You do not deserve years of living with this. Also better to leave in case it escalates, which it sadly usually does, over time.

Just a thought, and not to in any way defend what he said, but I do wonder if he maybe meant if HE was dead? Maybe more threatening suicide than murder perhaps? I hope so as that’s less scary more manipulative. But you probably know best what he meant in the moment

Yes, this is very much domestic violence and abuse. You are the victim, and abusers will often tell you over and over that it's your fault for goading them or making them angry, and that you are the abusive one. You are not. It is not your fault. He's not just abusing you, he's abusing your children. He is horribly aggressive and nasty, and makes them cry. No child should grow up believing that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

He sounds really dangerous.
He is thinking what should be the unthinkable about the mother of his children.
He left his son to drown. Not caring whether he lived or died.
I work in criminal justice on cases where men kill women and their children. This really rings bells for me. He is a high risk individual and you need help from police and an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Adviser-police will refer).
Tell the police, get him away from you and the kids and tell your support network.

You know for a 100% fact it is OP.

I think you're trying to distract yourself from the situation by trying to convince yourself it might not be.

But you know it is.

Yes it's domestic abuse. When you're in it it's hard to see and I thought when I was in it 'well I wound him up' etc. When I look back I can see more things that happened that weren't acceptable.

Even if it's happening partly because you are winding him up the combination of the two of you isn't a healthy combination.

I don't know if I would stay because of the children. You don't want them growing up watching you both argue and fight but understandably you have concerns about his lack of parenting skills.

Yes. Physical abuse from pushing you. Verbal/mental/emotional abuse threatening to kill you. That is a huge risk factor in DV cases. Get out. Save yourself and your children. Contact women's aid or another DV service to help make a plan for a safe exit.

Is this domestic abuse?

Heavens above yes ....

look at that link, I find this is a better source of help than Women's Aid, but honestly reach out to anyone at all, get help and advice ASAP.

Yes. And it doesn't matter if you feel as if you're partly to blame. That's what abusers do.

Yes it is and your children witnessing are also now victims of domestic abuse even if you say it not directed at them. As a professional I would make a safeguarding referral for your children if I became aware of what they were witnessing.

Yes threatening to kill someone is abusive as is physical aggression.