I'm the youngest of four siblings and I'm struggling with something that's been going on in my family for a while. I'm hoping to hear from people who have been in a similar position, rather than asking people to decide who is right or wrong.
There have been ongoing arguments and falling-outs between my parents and some of my siblings. There is a lot of history behind it, and I'm aware that everyone involved has their own perspective and feelings about what has happened. I haven't been present for many of the arguments, so I've deliberately tried not to form an opinion about things I didn't witness.
The problem is that I somehow keep ending up in the middle.
I'm very close to my parents and live nearby, so naturally I spend a lot of time with them. My siblings live further away and have their own relationships with my parents. Because I'm around my parents more, my siblings sometimes seem to assume that I'm automatically "on their side" or that my opinions are the same as my parents'.
I've actually been told things along the lines of "you're always on Mum and Dad's side" and that because it's my family too, I should be involved. But my position has always been that I don't want to choose a side. I love my parents and I love my siblings. I don't agree with everything any of them do, and I don't think it's my place to decide who's right when I wasn't there.
I've tried explaining that I don't want to hear the details of arguments that I wasn't involved in because I find it incredibly upsetting and it puts me in an impossible position. But sometimes my parents understandably want someone to talk to, so I end up hearing their side anyway. I then find myself thinking about what my siblings might think, whether my parents are right, whether I'm being unfair, etc. I'm constantly trying to understand everyone's point of view and it's exhausting.
One thing that has particularly hurt me is that my name and my partner have apparently been brought up during arguments between my siblings and parents, even when neither of us was there or involved. I've been told things like "She (me) is always on your side." It makes me feel like my name is being used as part of arguments that have nothing to do with me.
I've also had experiences where family events have become divided, with some family members being invited somewhere while others were deliberately excluded because of previous arguments. I understand that people have the right to decide who they spend time with, but when you're the person who loves everyone involved, being caught in these divisions is really painful.
I'm also the youngest sibling, and I sometimes wonder whether that plays a part in this. My older siblings are very strong-minded and outspoken, and I sometimes feel like there are expectations that I should see things the way they do. When I don't, it can feel as though I'm automatically being put into the opposing camp.
At the same time, I don't want to make myself sound like a victim or suggest that I'm completely innocent while everyone else is wrong. I'm sure I've made mistakes too. I just genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to navigate this.
I'm also working on myself at the moment. I have quite severe social anxiety and have been having counselling to become more independent, improve my confidence and eventually get back into work after being out of employment for several years. One of the things I'm learning is that I need to stop constantly putting everyone else's feelings before my own and learn that it's okay to have boundaries.
My counsellor has talked to me about things like radical acceptance, separating my own thoughts and feelings from fear, and not allowing other people's emotions to control my own behaviour. We've also talked about family patterns and how I've grown up around a lot of anxiety and conflict.
I think I'm finally learning that I can care about people without being responsible for fixing their relationships.
But I'm struggling with the guilt.
If I spend time with my parents, I worry my siblings will think I'm taking their side.
If I spend time with my siblings, I feel guilty because I know my parents are hurt.
If I don't get involved with either side, I feel like I'm being accused of not caring.
And if I try to listen to everyone, I end up overwhelmed and unable to think about anything else.
Recently it's got to the point where I'm losing sleep over it. My mind constantly goes round in circles trying to understand everyone's feelings and what I should do.
I don't want to cut anyone off. I don't want to choose a side. I don't want to be the messenger between people. I just want to be able to have individual relationships with my parents and siblings without being expected to take a position in their conflicts.
So I'm wondering if anyone else has been the "neutral" sibling in a family conflict like this.
How did you handle it?
How did you make it clear that you loved both sides without becoming involved in their arguments?
Did you find ways of stopping yourself from feeling guilty when one side thought you were supporting the other?
And, if you're the youngest sibling, have you ever felt like your older siblings had expectations about how you should think or behave because of your position in the family?
I'm not looking for people to tell me which side of my family is right or wrong. I genuinely don't know everything that has happened, and I don't think I need to know.
I'm really just looking for people who understand what it's like to love both sides of a family conflict and feel like you're constantly being put in the middle.