Unable to move on after husband’s messages to an old flame

[Singhappy2]

Long story short DH and I have been married 6 years and have 2 very young dc.
About 3 years ago I snooped and found sexual messages to a woman. I confronted him and he admitted it was an old flame and it was just a couple days of messaging, he was sorry etc. we’d been going through a short separation completely unrelated to cheating and we’d just got back together, so I couldn’t understand why he wound message her while he was reconciling. However I’ve never gotten over it and it’s spiralling out of control. I can’t bring myself to ever check his phone again, I’m so frightened. It’s made me deeply insecure, I even check the woman’s Facebook and torture myself. I get paranoid, like tonight his phone is on flight mode - It’s left out and I took it off flight mode just to see if anything popped up. I cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I am going crazy, I don’t know wether I am severely paranoid from this or he’s up to something all the time. There’s no talking to him either, I’ve tried and his answer is it’s been years and to get over it. Why can’t I seem to move on?

It would have been awful to find that, but he may well have just been acting out in the face of a separation. Honestly, if I separated from my husband and was sitting around feeling down about things, maybe a few wines in, I could see myself doing something stupid like messaging an ex.

Ultimately though, it comes down to your ability to move past it. If you can’t you need to end things, but I’d keep in mind that his behaviour in response to a separation is not necessarily a reflection of how he would act while committed to you.

you were separated/separating! whats the issue?

you obviously dont trust him so dont waste his time and let him move on

What caused the seoeration OP? You had only been married quite a short time. Did you have your DC then or were you pregnant?

He betrayed you with this OW at a time when you were supposed to be reconcilling so of course your trust was broken. Trust isn't regained just by someone saying they are sorry. He needed to work at regaining your trust and just expecting you to get over doesn't sound as though he really appreciates the betrayal of what he did.

Tbh so long as he just expects you to deny your feelings over this I don't see how you can move forward. It needs you both to sit down and talk about what happened and exactly why he turned to this OW and for him to be open with you and work at the trust issue together.

if he contacted this woman really soon after a fall out or break up I wouldn’t trust him either. If you had been split up for a few weeks and it’s plausible that he felt lonely or angry and did it then, hopefully he truly believed it was over and you can trust him. You can’t help how you feel and most people would feel the same, no matter what they say.
Think about why you don’t trust him now. Was it more a silly argument/ fall out as opposed to a real separation? If so then listen to your gut. If not, some people would leave and some would stay. (Some would live to regret staying)

It pisses me off more than his stance currently is just “get over it”.

The reason you can’t get over something is because the other person has done nothing.

In the last three years, has he tried to reassure you - through consistent action AND words?