Saw my ex-fiancé again and feel back at square one

Alwayschillyatnight · 2026-08-29T21:03:38+00:00

I saw my ex fiance today. First time since December. He had to come.soet out some stuff with the house. I thought i was more over him than I actually was. I thought I'd be able to cope with seeing him then get on with my day. But I feel like im right back there. I still love him. I still miss him. He still feels like home and once he left home felt so empty and I feel so alone. The kids have been with their dad for two weeks. Ive only been to the office once due to seeing poorly,so ive basically been on my own for a fortnight now. An empty house, in the dark and the rain, it just feels so lonely. How do i get past this? How do i get over him. I havent been seeing him. Contact has been minimal, via email and for practical reasons only. I have a job I love,a hobby that gets me out, lots of friends - thoigh none local, when im not sick I like running and going to the gym. Im fixing up the house to sell so a lot of my time goes to DIY. Im focusing on the future. Self care, being kind of myself and staying positive but none of those things convince you you're not in love with the man you're in love with. So give me tips, or distract me. Please. Because im just sitting here with tears streaming down my face and I dont know what else to do.

Gowlett · 29/08/2026 22:06

Why did you break up? (if I can ask…)

Lmnop22 · 29/08/2026 22:09

If you feel this way, could you reconcile?

Peoplemakemedespair · 29/08/2026 22:13

I’d hazard a guess he left for someone else? There’s not much you can do now but work through your feelings again, and never make the mistake of intentionally meeting again, there were plenty of ways you could have arranged today without seeing each other face to face

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 29/08/2026 22:15

Long and very complex. The following doesn't really cover it. It happened over a couple of years.
Some elements - he struggled living with me and my kids (fair, I struggle with them and they're mine and neither of us realised how hard it would be until he was living with us)

I had a bad mental health breakdown due to a series of horrific life events coupled with undiagnosed adhd and perimenopause (a year of HRT and my mental health is stringwr than it has been in years)
we opened our relationship (please no judgement. Obviously in hindisght I regret it) for casual encounters, but I specifically said no emotional connections. He formed an emptional connection and I couldn't cope with it,.esp as my marriage had ended due to an emptional affair.
he made some mistakes, broke a boundary, i was in a mess and didnt end the relationship when perhaps I should have because I loved him and knew he loved me. I thought we could work through it.
I was angry at him, hurt, was trying to ignore those feelings, but it added layers of complication to thw relationship.
he stopped being affectionate. Stopped touching me. I think, by the end, he didnt even like me that much. I ended it, but it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 29/08/2026 22:18

Lmnop22 · 29/08/2026 22:09

If you feel this way, could you reconcile?

I dont think he wants to. I dont know if we could move past the challenging history. I dont know if i could trust that he wouldn't make me feel rejected and deprioritised again.
That doesn't make me stop missing how things were though. Or stop me missing the man.

OP posts:

Lmnop22 · 29/08/2026 22:18

Alwayschillyatnight · 29/08/2026 22:15

Long and very complex. The following doesn't really cover it. It happened over a couple of years.
Some elements - he struggled living with me and my kids (fair, I struggle with them and they're mine and neither of us realised how hard it would be until he was living with us)

I had a bad mental health breakdown due to a series of horrific life events coupled with undiagnosed adhd and perimenopause (a year of HRT and my mental health is stringwr than it has been in years)
we opened our relationship (please no judgement. Obviously in hindisght I regret it) for casual encounters, but I specifically said no emotional connections. He formed an emptional connection and I couldn't cope with it,.esp as my marriage had ended due to an emptional affair.
he made some mistakes, broke a boundary, i was in a mess and didnt end the relationship when perhaps I should have because I loved him and knew he loved me. I thought we could work through it.
I was angry at him, hurt, was trying to ignore those feelings, but it added layers of complication to thw relationship.
he stopped being affectionate. Stopped touching me. I think, by the end, he didnt even like me that much. I ended it, but it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do.

In that case, I would just memorialise this post in your phone notes and every time you’re crying over this man, re-read these reasons and tell yourself that you dodged a massive bullet and one day you’ll 100% see that

Lmnop22 · 29/08/2026 22:19

Alwayschillyatnight · 29/08/2026 22:18

I dont think he wants to. I dont know if we could move past the challenging history. I dont know if i could trust that he wouldn't make me feel rejected and deprioritised again.
That doesn't make me stop missing how things were though. Or stop me missing the man.

Show quote history

Then you’re already stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re prioritising you and breaking the cycle and I’m proud of you

Chefpig · 29/08/2026 22:20

He doesn't sound too nice to be honest and you and your kids are so much better alone. You have this 100%. It sounds like you have a fulfilling life with hobbies and a great job. Be proud of who you are and all you've achieved and know that you don't need someone who goes to other people and has emotional affairs at the drop of a hat xxx

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 29/08/2026 22:20

Lmnop22 · 29/08/2026 22:19

Then you’re already stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re prioritising you and breaking the cycle and I’m proud of you

Show quote history

Thank you.
Im proud of me, too.
But im also hurting and lonely tonight.

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Tiptopflipflop · 29/08/2026 22:33

Just keep reminding yourself that relationships shouldn't be this hard. You're better off without that kind of drama in your life.

Sometimes I think when relationships end that awful feeling of still being in love is as much about mourning the loss of what you hoped it would be as it is the actual person. And it's all too easy to idolise them and forget about all the crap things about them.

summitfever · 29/08/2026 23:18

You’re lonely op, this is like going to Tesco starving. Don’t glorify and idealise the relationship or the man, it sounds like it and he were and absolute shambles. Have your cry then get your notebook out and start writing down all the reasons he’s not right for you. Then do something nice for yourself because you deserve nice things. And you deserve better than him! He’s sounds like a rat

mumsntt · 30/08/2026 00:22

who the hell opens up their relationship esp when theyre engaged!

absolutely mental

Tickets25 · 30/08/2026 01:26

Michael Sealey YouTube sleep hypnosis for getting over a relationship. He's brilliant.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 30/08/2026 20:11

Is there a specific track for that, because I couldn't see one for relationships.
I use InTimer a lot for sleep meditations. Maybe I need to move back to that.

Can I just say that it really really sucks to see someone after 9 months, realise you still have feelings for them as strong as ever, but all the reasons you ended the relationship are also still valid and so you're just back to square one, back in pain and just wishing I knew that one day I would find someone else i feel that strongly about who would care about about me.

I can cope with being single, being on my own. Im fucking awesome.

I just wish I had some guarantee that it wasn't forever.

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speakball · 31/08/2026 18:53

Oh op if I could tell you how BROKEN I was about an ex. I’m staggered now, I laugh like a drain when I think about how hurt I was. Hes not your future. It’s so much better.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 31/08/2026 19:06

I really hope so. I wish i could press fast forward and get there.

Everything I'm hearing says the dating scene is pretty grim post-40.

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speakball · 31/08/2026 20:39

I’m older and single. I’ve been in such sad and horrible relationships that this is my time. If someone wants to come along and add to my fun then so be it but I have a pretty tall order for a partner so I might have to wait which means I’ll only be happier by the time this man who is mature and kind materialises. He’s out there somewhere, he’s probably just loaded the dishwasher, or laughed at a video, what I do know is, while he's lonely right now waiting for me he’s also got so much he's interested in to keep him busy. It’s my dream and I’m sticking with it. The worse thing that happens in this fantasy is I end up single with the most amazing life. No where in this fantasy is there room for mediocre menchildren who stopped growing psychologically when Wham were in the charts.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 31/08/2026 21:25

speakball · 31/08/2026 20:39

I’m older and single. I’ve been in such sad and horrible relationships that this is my time. If someone wants to come along and add to my fun then so be it but I have a pretty tall order for a partner so I might have to wait which means I’ll only be happier by the time this man who is mature and kind materialises. He’s out there somewhere, he’s probably just loaded the dishwasher, or laughed at a video, what I do know is, while he's lonely right now waiting for me he’s also got so much he's interested in to keep him busy. It’s my dream and I’m sticking with it. The worse thing that happens in this fantasy is I end up single with the most amazing life. No where in this fantasy is there room for mediocre menchildren who stopped growing psychologically when Wham were in the charts.

This is my aim, too, but this is the lomgest ive been single since I was a teenager and I'm just...
Still in love. And sad.

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TigerJoy · 31/08/2026 21:33

Are you in love with him as he is now....or the "him" he was at the beginning?

I'm assuming it was him to asked to open the relationship. Then he caught feelings and instead of backing off the other person and reconnecting with you, he just....kept on seeing them?

He broke a boundary (same thing or something else?)

He didn't prioritise you

It sounds like while you were having horrific life events and challenging mental health issues he....started seeing other people? It certainly sounds like he wasn't supportive, and never prioritised you or your wellbeing.

I think you are better off without this prince.

I recommend you try some casual dating and look for casual sex. Try younger men - it is an interesting and different dynamic.

You are feeling poorly right now - I hope you feel better soon. Everything seems worse when you're on your own and under the weather.

speakball · 01/09/2026 08:32

Op you say you’re in love and you say you know your worth. I’m pretty sure the universe wouldn’t send you such a shabby soul mate if it was. The universe can do better than that. You need to dig deep to understand the dynamic because something aint right. You compromised your core values and that isn’t and never will be love and you know this. Going out on a well trod limb here but I’m guessing your relationships with male figures during childhood were painful.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 01/09/2026 19:50

It was me who initially suggested opening the relationship. I dont get jealous about sex, but I had a major boundary about not being emotionally involved. So yes, you were pretty accurate otherwise TigerJoy. There was also a fuck up that happened that broke another boundary which he then didnt disclose for a month. But it was the deprioritising that hurt the most. I felt like a burden and an obligation and not the person he wanted to build a life with and spend time with.

And male figures during childhood? My dad was a classic 80s dad - read a story at bedtime and delegated most of the actual parenting to my mum. He and my mum are still together. He loves me and I love him. He's a bit of a grumpy bugger but what 80 something man isn't?

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speakball · 01/09/2026 20:39

If I posted the same post I don’t think you would read it and be thinking ‘yeah he was clearly the only man on earth who can rev you up to 100 inside.’ There are thousands of other men who can do this for you and without that much pain. What would you say? That, yes, my hope of deep connection left with him and I need to get 20 cats and forget about ever feeling that for anyone else. You wouldn’t say that because you can easily see that of course I have every reason to expect all the fireworks again and that my sadness at seeing him isnt the universe saying I am fucked forever.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 01/09/2026 22:28

speakball · 01/09/2026 20:39

If I posted the same post I don’t think you would read it and be thinking ‘yeah he was clearly the only man on earth who can rev you up to 100 inside.’ There are thousands of other men who can do this for you and without that much pain. What would you say? That, yes, my hope of deep connection left with him and I need to get 20 cats and forget about ever feeling that for anyone else. You wouldn’t say that because you can easily see that of course I have every reason to expect all the fireworks again and that my sadness at seeing him isnt the universe saying I am fucked forever.

I was just very taken aback by the strength of feeling I had upon seeing him.
I honestly thought I'd moved on more than I- apparently - had. And instead of doing something stupid, like messaging him or fantasising that somehow we'd work it all out, I posted on here to just try and not feel so fucking alone for a little bit. I feel frustrated that I am still here when I thought i was, you know...m <waves hand at far off place> somewhere over there

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summitfever · 01/09/2026 23:09

Why you looking to open a good relationship op? I know hindsight’s great but I’ve never known a couple to do this and someone not get burnt by the other falling in love. Seems a mad idea to me. No use to you in this instance but in future I’d not do that mate, it’s a recipe for disaster

Lmnop22 · 02/09/2026 14:08

Alwayschillyatnight · 01/09/2026 19:50

It was me who initially suggested opening the relationship. I dont get jealous about sex, but I had a major boundary about not being emotionally involved. So yes, you were pretty accurate otherwise TigerJoy. There was also a fuck up that happened that broke another boundary which he then didnt disclose for a month. But it was the deprioritising that hurt the most. I felt like a burden and an obligation and not the person he wanted to build a life with and spend time with.

And male figures during childhood? My dad was a classic 80s dad - read a story at bedtime and delegated most of the actual parenting to my mum. He and my mum are still together. He loves me and I love him. He's a bit of a grumpy bugger but what 80 something man isn't?

Is it possible to have sex with other people and ever be able to guarantee you won’t get attached or develop emotional connection? It seems pretty par for the course to me and I would think it a risky agreement to make.

That being said, onward and upward and one day at a time, these things always come in waves and feeling back at square one today doesn’t mean you were never further down the line or more over it. It’s just the process and the ebbs and flows. Give it a week and you’ll feel further on than ever