Do bad endings affect how you remember the good years?

[Rispa42]

For those whose relationships ended badly, do you still look back on the “good times” fondly or does everything seem tarnished? I was with ex for over 10 years (no kids) but the first few years were amazing, last few terrible. I don’t feel any joy remembering the good times.

Yes for me. My recent ex blindsided me totally with a bad break up. So I now wonder how long he’d been saying he loved me, future stuff etc, whilst secretly actually planning to leave. Which means I don’t know if any of it was ever real. I can’t look back at times I thought were ‘good’ and appreciate the memory because I have no idea if he was just faking it or not. It’s a real shame but that was the exit he chose, and it tainted who I thought he was and what I thought we had

It depends how bad m? Were you bickering or was their unkind behaviour?

Same as @notadroptodrink A sudden announcement into what I had thought was a perfectly happy relationship, which caused me to disbelieve all the 'happy' years. The only good side is that now, fifteen years after it all ended, I can just about look back favourably at the early years we were together. But it has taken this long before I stopped seeing my entire past through the lens of the ending.

Yes. There were fun times, romantic times, happy times, sunny ... with someone who turned out to be violent.
All the things I did with my wonderful partner have the caption '[lovely memory] and Name Surname beat me up.'

My ex ended up having an affair. I have no doubt that he loved me at the start and what we had was genuine, but I can’t think back at those good times without feeling queasy if that makes sense? Just spending today feeling sorry for myself…

I’ve been married twice. The first time was a disaster (except for my children!) and I can’t remember fondly any good times. My second marriage ended with him having an affair and it took me a long time (2 years ish) to remember that there were good times. In all honesty I don’t tend to think about them, but I can now remember some of them positively. It has taken me a couple of years though!

Yes. My husband cheated, and the months of lies and gaslighting, plus the awful, nasty way he has behaved since the split (as if I had somehow done something wrong to him) have made it impossible to look back fondly at the good times. We were together for twenty years and all I can think was that this nasty, cruel, manipulative person was there all along. I am just grateful that I am not spending the rest of my life with him.

Unfortunately I have to stay in touch with him because of the children, who are already (aged eight and ten) noticing his poor behaviour although I do my best to be saintly and never badmouth him to them.

Honestly? I had a relationship that ended with him cheating, the way it ended obliterated any happy memories.

I look back now and everything is tainted. How long was he lying to me? Had he had affairs before? Probably. He destroyed everything, including my memories.

I also now see red flags in retrospect, that I didn't at the time.

Depends how much time has passed and how it ended I think. I can look back fondly on my long-term ex. The end was bad, for quite a while, but no cheating or abuse. If it had ended that way then I doubt I’d be able to.

Yes, absolutely. I had a 6yr relationship that became toxic and abusive - he was eventually arrested for DV charges. But goodness, I miss the highs and the euphoric passion. When times were good, I have never felt such laughter and bliss. He felt like my soul mate. The last time I saw him, he was being handcuffed and taken away in a police car. The lack of closure has messed with me ever since, despite this event being years ago. Makes me anxious that I'll never stop missing him (I.e. the good times) or ever find that intense love/attachment again. I haven't been able to commit to relationships since him.