Am I out of order?

[Rainbowstrawberry]

I’ve just about reached the end of my tether!
I’ve had a rough time in my relationship recently, we are a blended family and see our children separately for certain reasons.
This of course has an impact on us as we rarely have much time together as a result, so when it’s his contact days, he goes really moody and we generally argue because he will return and make out he’s had women falling at his feet because he looks single!

My children had started to feel unhappy, and to be honest, so had I, it didn’t feel like a family unit. When I raised it, he wanted to bring the children back together again, but I said no, and he went mad. He said that he was going to speak to my children which I said no to, but he said hed do what he wanted. My children had stayed with my parents overnight and he knew I was due to collect them at 10:00. He pretended to pick his own children up and went to my parents to speak to my children, reducing one to tears. I was really angry he’d crossed a boundary and I’ve asked him to leave.
Am I out of order?

The child lives with his Mother.
He didn’t have his own place before
me, he lived with his parents and the child has never stayed over with him, he sees him once a week 10-6

Ah I think I misunderstood sorry. I thought you meant the child lived with your partners mother. Too many his’s. Sorry again.

So what the hell were you thinking having him anywhere near your children? This man clearly had more red flags than a communist circus, wtf were you at going anywhere near him?

Did his child pose a risk to yours?

Yes he did. So I made the decision myself to stop him coming into my home, near my children.

End it op. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

He needs to be blocked on all your kids' devices. He tried to use your kids against you and that upset them. That's relationship ending, along with all his other red flags. He's manipulative and he wants to stay in your home because he doesn't have one. That's not your problem.

Tell him to stay away or you'll call the police.

He's using the kids to try to manipulate you.

Get rid of him.

The more you talk about him the worst it is
And reckon the safeguard issue has to do with some type of violence or something deeply inappropriate

I think I would have ended the relationship there instead of continuing to see a man who has an unsafe child

Since you are split up now, I would inform your parents not to let him in their house ever again or around the children I would also inform their school

This man is not safe

For future reference, homeless men might not be the best choice for blending families with.

How long were you together before he moved in with your children?

If he has him every other weekend and can’t have him around his step children, I don’t really see it as unusual or unreasoable to stay with a grandparent. My ex has our two kids every other weekend and stays with his mum despite having his own home so she can see them and he gets a hand looking after them

This is enough reason to end it, his child is a threat to yours - why are you still with him?

Because we tried to work around it, in that he saw his child away from the home but it began to cause arguments because the only days he has off work are to have his child, so we ended up not seeing each other and arguing as a result.

I Just don’t see how it can work

Yet another mumsnet reminder to never blend families given the utter misery it can cause to your own children.

You should have ended this ages ago OP. Start putting your own child first today.

The only thing you've done wrong is to wait this long to end it. You should have ended it bloody ages ago before he had a chance to damage your poor kids.

As much as I know I’ve done the right thing and he’s out (not all his stuff though), it’s the begging and love bombing that is a killer

I think you need to now accept that it can’t move forward. You are going to prioritise your children which you’ve done already, and he is therefore not going to get access to them and his own child cannot be involved with your children.

He clearly can’t accept the change in dynamic and is trying to force himself onto your children which is a major concern and red flag.

Given there’s no realistic way for you to protect your children AND stay with this man, you know what you have to do

Pack up his stuff ASAP and give him a date to come collect it, that suits you not him. If you can have someone be there instead of you, do that.

Block him so he can't lovebomb. You know he's only doing it to get his own way. His child is a risk to yours. He needs to accept that his child needs to be his priority and leave yours alone.

So you can’t be one family because your children don’t mix successfully. But rather than make it as solid and mutually supportive a unit as possible, he swings between wanting to be family with you and wanting to be a single man - and wants you to support that.

You’ve let him know this isn’t working for you, so he tried to blackmail you, using your children.

So he’s a manipulative arsehole but also, the whole set-up sounds doomed.

Pretty much!

His proposal is to see his child every Sunday at his Mothers house which is fine until you consider main occasions such as Christmas or family gatherings you can’t attend together.

Nope.

Run for the hills OP!
Don't get tempted by any of his bullshit lovebombing.

I expect he wants the family blended so you can look after his child.

Does this mean that you are talking to him again?