Feeling guilt - single Mum with elderly parent

[Blanketyblank04]

I had no idea where to post this and I am shamelessly asking for some virtual hugs!

I am 55 with DS11 (single Mum, but Dad very much in the picture, all good there) and DF79.

Mum passed away during Covid and I visit DF once, maybe twice a week. I know I am good company for him and I like spending time with him too. DS’ Dad has our son every other weekend and once during the week. I usually plan to see friends on those ‘free’ weekends as well as visiting DF. He is fit and well, I should add although he misses Mum very much.

After all these years of being single following divorce, I have met someone who is lovely and there’s a chance it will go somewhere. Early stages and I don’t want to tell anyone about it yet but you can imagine this is now a relationship that I have to fit into my free time. I have seen DF twice this week and he’s asked me if I’m popping in on Sunday. I’m not as I’m seeing new man but obviously didn’t want to tell him that! He looked so hurt and oh my god I feel so guilty and a terrible daughter. I’m almost wondering if it’s worth even bothering with this relationship as there are so many demands on my time that I can’t cope with it. But I want to see him. I want to feel love again and have something outside of being Mum and daughter. DF is interested in my life and friendships and he pretty much knows everything about me. I love him so much and I don’t want to upset him but what about me and my life? I could have a chance now to build something but the guilt is eating me up.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I suppose I just want lots of people to say go for it and live my life as my inner cheerleader has packed up and disappeared. I still feel guilt over my Mum as she went into a care home just before the second lockdown and I never saw her again. It is so hard.

@Blanketyblank04 an old saying....you can't pour from an empty cup ". In other words you have to be happy yourself. Is your dad willing to join some social group's so he's not alone so much?
My mum died 4 years ago and my dad is always out doing something somewhere. Or in the garden 🏡. Sending hugs and solidarity x

Tell your dad. Not like he will gossip etc about your new relationship but it will probably make him happy

You don't have to feel guilty and you are entitled to a life of your own. You see your dad plenty. If he's fit and well, encourage him to join some hobby groups like Men's Shed, walking football or U3A. He needs other people in his life so he's not so reliant on you.

I would tell him that you've met someone but it's very early days and you're just getting to know each other. If he's a good dad, he will be pleased for you.

I would just tell your dad. He could very well be delighted, also he will know that’s the reason you aren’t visiting. I’m sure after loosing your mum he will know how valuable a loving relationship is. I think as long as you still pop in and see him he will be very happy for you

Tough being the middle part of the sandwich where you're trying to take care of the younger generation, the older generation, plus yourself. My mother died during COVID as well, and then I did the same as you, plus it got much worse since he got dementia and had a lot of health problems, so I was under a great deal of stress. He passed almost 2 years ago.

But no, my parents never looked at me with hurt and didn't have those expectations of my company, though like you, I was not neglectful. He's lucky you live close by and do plenty of visiting. If he has no friends or any other social life but you, then you could do some research to see what's available for him around the area. If he's not the type to do that initially on his own, you could figuratively hold his hand and go with him the first time to check it out, or drop him off and pick him up the first time if he doesn't drive.

In ten years, your child will be an adult and off with their own adventures, and your Dad might have passed by then, and if you don't make yourself and your new partner a priority now, there you'll be at 65, without company and mourning the nice guy you let slip through your fingers.

Be honest with your Dad, that you enjoy the few times a week you visit, but you need some quality time with your new partner who seems like a good prospect. Tell him you want for yourself the same love he and your Mom had. And then introduce the idea of social activities for him so that he can enjoy other people's company as well, besides you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

If he’s good and wants the best for you he will be thrilled about your plans. Pulling faces is not great. Does he usually try to steer your choices with obvious displeasure?

I agree with telling him. he would probably be happy for you and then maybe he can get involved and some type of activity where he can have some social time