8 weeks pregnant struggling with support from DH

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m 8 weeks pregnant, dealing health issues that are making the fatigue extreme amongst other symptoms, and our 1 year old has been unwell this week so no nursery, so it’s been full on.

Yesterday my husband finished work early and made a rota splitting the day 50/50 for childcare, except 2 hours of my half was actually spent at the doctors so it wasn’t really 50/50 at all. He also said he felt sick yesterday but still went to the gym anyway, nothing stops that. Today he’s had our son for some of the morning then got his mum to take over (she doesn’t drive so it’s an hour round trip for her) so he doesn’t have to change his day around or as little as possible, and I’d put money on him going gym again today as well, he always does no matter what.

And then just yesterday alone I asked him to get the baby some water from downstairs, nothing happened, I asked him to put the baby to bed, got silence so I just did it myself, asked him to put the bin out, said not right now and it’s still not out.

Today I Asked him to do the pickup and drop off (admittedly it’s a one hour round trip so two hours in total) and I’m not well, he said no, then reluctantly yes, so I said don’t worry I’ll do it because I don’t want a reluctant yes off him. Also asked earlier for eggs from the shop, got a long pause and a sigh before he agreed.

He’s not lazy as such, he does cook every day, does the DIY, the garden, plenty round the house and does do childcare. But it’s always on his terms, stuff he’s decided needs doing. The second I ask for something myself it’s like this wall goes up, no or reluctant, even for stuff that has to be done regardless.

What I actually want to know is how do I even start this conversation with him in a way he’ll actually hear, because we don’t communicate well as it is and I don’t want it turning into a row about who does more.

Anyone dealt with a partner like this, who does help but only when it’s their idea? And when you ask for support you’re often met with complete reluctance or no. How do you deal with it?

To add, resentment is building and I want to avoid this happening. Any help would be appreciated

Honestly OP he sounds incredibly selfish. And uncaring actually. You are carrying his child and he doesn't care about out your health and welfare.The fact he wouldn't even get water for the baby is disgraceful.

I know that with a lot of men abuse of their partner starts during pregnancy and can begin during the second pregnancy even if they are ok during the first. I would wonder if this is what is happening here.
He is putting his own wants and convenience before you, his pregnant wife, and his child and tbh I can't see this changing when your second child is born. I'm afraid it will get worse.

In all honesty OP, yes, I have dealt with a partner like this - I divorced him. (But he never did DIY, only cooked for himself and didn't do childcare.) I'm sorry to say, it won't get better. This is the time when he is supposed to be giving you extra support, not carrying on behaving like a twat.

Both your lives should change with children, not just yours. It sounds like he doesn't want his life to change, so he does everything in his power to keep it the same. I'd be making plans to leave. Not immediately, but making plans nonetheless.

@PurplebudsWhitebudsi did feel things got very emotionally abusive the first time around to be honest. It got better as baby is now a toddler. I notice a pattern with him when I’m vulnerable and in need he doesn’t like it he only thrives in the relationship when it’s perfect and I’m able to be fully independent without support. The minute crisis hits it’s a huge inconvenience to him

He sounds bloody horrible.

@C152sorry to hear. And yes he does everything in his power to retain a life he had before. Whenever baby is sick he is very reluctant to change his plans even though he has full control over his working day works for himself has no one to answer to.

I intend to hire outside help with the next baby if it works out. I do not trust he will be there for me. And also intend to spend more time with my mother, maybe even the whole birthing recovery time

Oh no, @notaurewhatusername ...your life at the moment is sounding very similar to mine at that stage. I hired a private midwife as I knew now ex would never advocate for me (if needed) in hospital. It's a massive sign when you've got to do something like that. Are you/will you be in a position to support yourself financially if you were to decide to leave? Because I can't see what he actually brings to your partnership right now.

In terms of your partner being unwilling to support you unless life is perfect...like isn't like that. It's easy to think to yourself (I don't know if you do this, but I did) 'it's ok, I'm strong, I can cope (during this difficult bit) and then everything will go back to 'normal' later.' But I was just kidding myself. You need to imagine how you will manage if the worst were to happen. In my case, I nearly died and what was most terrifying was the thought that there was no-one to care for our child if I died.

If you or one of the children got seriously ill, who would support you and physically care for you? If the answer isn't him, you need a really strong back-up plan and, like I said, start making long-term plans to leave (ie. get strong childcare in place, find and start using regular babysitters so that both you and the children are comfortable with them; have your own bank account; keep your job/go back to work/find another job ASAP; budget and figure out how much you need to be on your own with the children; make sure you have a Will that leaves money in trust to the children; if you can afford it, source appropriate insurance, Life Assurance, Income Protection, Private Medical Insurance and, depending on your age, Critical Illness Insurance etc).

@notaurewhatusername he’s not lazy. He does, however, thoroughly enjoy having the power to control your time, your actions and to have you unhappy. That’s what gives him pleasure. And he can do it and get that pleasure hit any time he wants.

As mentioned above, get yourself out asap. Talk to your midwives and your health visitor. Talk to your mum. Talk to your friends. Find support in real life although Mumsnet is always here.

Never, ever trust him about anything.

When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. You can't change people unless they want to change. It's highly likely he'll remain this way. This is a very horrible situation to be in, I can only send you and your little one hugs rn. ❤

Thank you all for your support. I think my best immediate plan is to build a support for the next baby even if it’s a paid one. The silver lining is that financially I am ok, so I can hire help without a strain and can also build a safety net and reduce my hours after baby without too much hardship.

does anyone have any advice about what help might be useful with baby no 2?

I don’t intent to leave, appreciate others giving the advice but I think if I build my own support this could go some way towards surviving all of this

Why do You have to Survive this? Think about it and the day to day situation. Young children and babies have situations and issues adults have to cope with all the time. Is he incapable of coping with changing situations regarding his children? Or is he a Manchild?

Ok, since you have finances sorted, the main thing I would suggest is finding reliable, trustworthy external childcare. I don't mean nursery or a childminder, I mean a handful of people who have built a relationship with you/your child so that you have a list of people you could potentially call on both regularly and in an emergency (e.g. you're sick or one child is sick and you need care for the other whilst you take the sick child to the Dr/hospital, or further down the line when you need to go to parent and teacher meetings etc). One brilliant babysitter is great, but you need backup in case they're sick/not available. If I could change one key thing about how I raised my child, it would be to get him used to babysitters from a young age, so that I had some flexibility.

Look into a doula or mother's help to support you during your current pregnancy/birth/first few months once the second baby is here. (I'm not suggesting your mother won't be a brilliant support; just that it may be helpful to have an extra pair of hands that you don't feel guilty about asking to put the washing on or take the oldest to the park whilst the youngest naps etc.)

Widen your friendship circle to include other parents (if you don't have this already). I didn't see the importance of this at the time, but it becomes important later if you occasionally need help with pickups/drop offs.

Invest in yourself. When appropriate, go to the gym/get a personal trainer/take up some form of mindfulness/maintain and improve your qualifications/make sure you make space and time for your own hobbies/go out with friends.

Pretend you are single parent and figure out what practical things you need to make your life easier, like a double buggy that you can get on/off public transport by yourself, for example.

Try to disconnect from what your partner does. You have no control over his actions and no matter how you try to phrase it, they won't change. The only thing you can try to control is your reaction and the impact you allow his actions to have on you.

@C152thank you so much, this is really sound advice.

I'm going to wait a bit first to see how the pregnancy progresses and then week 12-16 look at some solid helper options and start making plans. Whoever we hire could start prior to birth and help out with our other little one until baby comes.

I’ll also possibly look at mothers help/housekeeping before then too

Are you both working? Because him doing all those jobs and splitting things 50/50 makes sense if you’re both off work this week. But you said he worked half a day, so I’m assuming some days he is working? Are you working? I think that matters. If it was my work day, yes, I’d expect Dh to do the 2 hours drive for childcare (first of all, why the heck are you doing this? It’s madness). If I wasn’t working, but Dh was all or part of the week, I’d expect to do it myself.

Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who treats you this way?
No love or care. You are punishing yourself but long term you are punishing your children who look to you to see what a relationship should be like, how to set boundaries and what type of behaviour to accept

@mindutopiayes we are working but I’m off work due to illness but still doing the childcare or most of it. The round trip is because it’s his Nan. It’s half hour each way an hour morning then another hour to collect. It’s only once a week but this week due to illness will be twice

@OneShyQuaili do see what you mean it’s hard to be in these situations.

we just had a chat I thanked him for in the end agreeing to help me and he did collect our son and looked after him rest of the day so I’ve had eight hours rest with some WFH mixed in when I had the energy and I do feel better for it

i explained his treatment isn’t normal and he agreed but then said he hates when anyone is sick and believes people should push through.

he also stated he’s been doing toddler wakes up for six months (voluntarily can I add and he keep referencing it!) and that he’s exhausted but he carries on. I explained my fatigue was the point I felt I may have needed hospitalisation and that actually sometimes 4am I hear he’s struggling and go help! He doesn’t ask I just go because I know how shit it feels!

I said to him I literally get sick once a year probably tops and for those few days once a year is it really much to ask for support. He said he sees my point and acknowledges his way isn’t normal but don’t express any commitment to change.

I'm going to be brutal here and ask why on earth you're having another when you're both clearly struggling with the one you already have? It's brutal having a close age gap - my youngest two are 2 years and 2 days apart (wasn't planned) and I honestly did wonder at times what on earth I was putting myself through it for. Having a toddler and being pregnant let alone working is just overload without adding in a partner who thinks you should "push through it". I think I'd have kicked him in the balls for saying that.

You don't have to see this pregnancy through if it's not the right time for you.