How do I cope with this?

[Summerluvin1]

I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my 22 year relationship ending as i caught my OH messaging another girl behind my back, met up for a walk, coffee etc, nothing physical happened but very much an emotional affair as he stated he felt a connection with her and felt something for her in the 3 weeks he had been talking to her. I threw him out and he never fought for me. We've since spoken face to face and had a cry and even a cuddle and both acknowledged that our relationship was not perfect, and that we weren't unhappy, yet not happy but quite content with how we were plodding along. Until he did this which 'awoke' feelings he hadn't felt in a while. Its been very hard these last two weeks, the children thank god have coped very well due to how amicable we have been and talking nicely, no rowing in front of them etc so thats the only blessing. But i am struggling. I miss him, the companionship, I feel so lonely despite having the most fantastic support network (thank god). I dont want to feel like this anymore. What also bothers me too, is that he goes to work, comes to our house after work to see the children for a few hours (absolutely his right) and we chit chat for the sake of the kids and then he goes back to his mums....but it feels like hes got away with murder? Like no real consequences to his actions, I've behaved bloody amazingly, he gets to come over and see us and bugger off and get his dinners cooked by his mum. My friends say that hes basically not got used to the idea of not being with me as atm he still sees me and talks to me and that he needs to know what its like to not be with me? What do you all think? As I sit at home lonely whilst he has the kids at his mums, so he still hasn't been on his own yet and understood how bloody awful it is! Which makes it feel very unfair.

Is he still seeing the OW?
If not, would you like to try again? If you think you might, you could suggest relationship counselling. But I would leave him at his mum's until you are sure things are back on track.
Obviously if he is still seeing her, that's a different matter and all you can do is hold your head high and move on. Don't worry about the 'fairness' of it, just make sure that you are doing the best for you.

I remeber your post from 2 weeks ago, you were so upset and confused.
Whilst he is out of the house meantime;I d re evaluate everything about your relationship with him.
Not just the fact that you " miss" him.
It s very early and your emotions will still be all over the place.
It s easy to feel left out and lonely when he s got the kids,leaving you on your own.Perhaps some boundaries; he can visit twice during the week,to pick kids up or meet up with him at a convenient area to hand kids over when he sees them.
Won t do any harm to test his loyalty to you.
He s only just left the family home.
sitting having cosy chats and kisses and cuddles isn t sending the right message.
it s letting him know he s " got away with it".
For the time being dig deep and try to focus on why he felt the need to connect with someone else.That discontentment in a marraige hasn t come from nowhere.
The trust has been broken,no matter how amazing you ve been about it,it will still hurt and resentment might kick in further down the line.
It doesn t matter that nothing happened...you found out and outed him!!!!
I m not saying any of this to upset you.
But you should really take your time before making big decisions.
It s also confusing for the kids if Dad is in/ out the house.
It s good your talking .
But both need to be very honest with each other.
Most of all you need to look after yourself.
With the help of your family and friends.

What's happening regarding the other woman?
Do you feel he's really sorry?
Does he tell you he loves you and is missing you?

You could sit next time and tell him it's ''time to decide what's going to happen'' and let him speak. See what he says. If he asks how you feel tell him you want him to speak first. Then tell him you need to think.

Thinking long term - if you want to forgive and have him back then you will have to actually forgive and not keep bringing it up because that will make life hell for both of you otherwise.

Now is the time for satisfying your questions and seeing if he's sorry enough. Not once he's back in the home.

💐 good luck

he goes to work, comes to our house after work to see the children for a few hours (absolutely his right) and we chit chat for the sake of the kids and then he goes back to his mums

Stop this.

You're in a weird in-between state which suits him but not you. Whatever happens going forwards, you need to establish proper boundaries around this otherwise weak lines drawn will just be stretched, extended and blurred. And it will feel increasingly hard to put boundaries in place because when you havent spoken up before, "Why now?/Why is this your line in the sand?" is harder to answer.

He doesn't get to benefit from your company anymore. You are no longer that person for him.

He doesn't have 'every right' to impose himself on your peace every day. That was a right he forfeited when he betrayed the marriage and the family.

If you feel you would like to reconcile, this is not the way to go about it.

If you don't want to reconcile, this is definitely not the dynamic you want to establish.