Difficult mother

[ToxicRelative]

Feels sad to be writing this, but I guess the time has come where it's apparent how toxic my mother can be and I wanted to offload.

She can be thoughtful, but she is also thoughtless and quick with her mouth.
She can be spiteful and rude.
She comments on people's weight, looks down on people, criticises peoples career choices and living arrangements.

I have been having therapy a long time and I've had to undo a lot of the prejudices that she imposed on me growing up (ie things like having a low opinion of people from council housing, that women were considered a harlot is they dared to divorce and date or remarry etc)
I am assuming this comes from her own upbringing, but it doesn't make it okay.

She is quite difficult to be around.
When it comes to things like choosing her a Mum Birthday card, I'll be in the card shop and they say things like "you're amazing and kind.." and I just scoff and put the card back, because frankly, she isn't.

The latest thing that's tipped me over the edge is that she has always had a poor opinion of the man I am seeing.
Now, don't get me wrong we have had our ups and downs, but I love him and he is a decent person with good values.
When I said about brining him along to a family social thing, she was extremely rude about him; just spiteful, hateful little comments.
So I have said I won't be going to the family thing now either.

I don't live with my partner, so there have been many times since dating him that I've seen my mother without my partner present, but this is a bit more of a special occasion and so I would expect us to attend as a couple.

I was absolutely furious at how she scoffed at him coming along and that she then proceeded to say things that made it clear he wasn't welcome.
For the record, he has done nothing wrong. He has not mistreated me. She just has impossible standards and likes to try and control others.

I genuinely think that she could have narcissistic traits.

I made my feelings clear in a text message. She hasn't responded and I doubt she will apologise; she will likely just use the silent treatment.

I guess I just feel sad that she isn't kind and supportive like my friends mothers are!
But ultimately I feel upset that she's taken such a dislike to my partner too, when he hasn't done anything to deserve that.
It's almost like she can't stand seeing me happy.

I empathise with choosing a card, it’s very difficult to rationalise having ‘Best mum/I love you’ etc when it simply isn’t true.

Solidarity.
So much of what you’ve said resonates, particularly the cards (I only ever pick the simple ‘happy birthday mum’ ones, never with additional platitudes). It sounds like you’ve navigated to clarity on the relationship and your barriers/buffers which protect you. Preserve that.

Re the upcoming event - Would there be a crowd enough that you’re not just with her - such that you and partner could enjoy it? If not, hope you make a positive memory with your partner on that day. (Btw this is exactly the sort of thing my mother would do, and it’s so I’m essentially marginalised to keep her company on her terms to fill in the gaps whilst she speaks to all the cousins and aunties - absolute classic tactic).

Thank you both.

She's done her usual 'brush it under the carpet' and not talk about the fact she upset me with her comments.
What she said about my partner was rude and unnecessary, but she won't apologise because in her mind she's perfectly entitled to say what she wants without consequence.

I'm just angry that she's so unkind to others.

I have a difficult relationship with my family too. Have you reminded her you're not going or is she under the impression you are?

Another offering solidarity too rather than any practical help!
I also have problems choosing suitable ‘plainer’ birthday cards etc! And have a mum with similar ideas (looking down on people who divorce when she and my dad have been married miserably for 50+ years!)
My DM also does not like my b/f - she will literally ignore him! She has form for this as does not like my son’s wife either.
Family gatherings are almost non existent because of her but she thinks she’s perfect!
One early example of her - I would have been in year 6 and my friend told me that her mum was pregnant (she also had a sister in Year 4)
I told my mum when I went home, I remember that this was exciting news - my mum said ‘that’s disgusting!’ I was so confused / shocked I didn’t say anything.

It took me until I was 41 to understand accept and understand just how unpleasant a woman my mother is, including have a lot of therapy (which I’m still in).

Selfish, spiteful, nasty, mean, huge sense of superiority, sociopathic traits etc etc

If she was a random woman I would really, really dislike her and I certainly wouldn’t want her in my life.

I an EXTREMELY low contact with her now and she doesn’t get birthday cards anymore.