What Do I Do About Splitting Up

[FinallyRainingInSomerset]

I've reached the end of my tether. Married 27 years. Not a perfect relationship but felt like a real soul mate.

I dont work, although have at times. 2 Disabled older children at home.

Husband shuts down with any tough talking.
I have to much going round my head, im not sleeping. Other problems going on with estranged son and SEN issues with another.

So ive made it clear that this is it. Husband has agreed and booked to go to counselling for the shutting down/inability to talk.
I think i need it too.

But what happens now? Do I do nothing while he has this?
Do I arrange marriage counselling?
Do we separate (although we still have to live in the same house)

Im so foggy with everything going on I literally dont know what to do and how to navigate this.
Should I get legal advice at this point?
Do I try and talk to him knowing he cant handle conversations?

Please help!

What tough talking do you want with him? What is it about? What is making you unhappy?

No intimacy. No fun or joy. Being taking for granted. No appreciation. All he does is work , there's mo life anymore. Im 57 and dont want this to be my life.
This hasnt come out of the blue. He knew how ive been feeling for years and yet nothing changes.

I feel so unsupported because any difficult conversations, whether its about him or not, he just freezes.

If hes willing to go to counselling I should give him space shouldn't I, but then I dont know how to be with him in that space.
I dont want him to think the splitting up has been forgotten about

What have you tried to improve intimacy or make time for fun stuff?

How do you envisage life will be better if you are single? What will you be able to do that you cannot do now?

Ive tried talking to him about it. I tried taking the initiative but he said he worries about his performance and he has had (mild) health problems so I stopped so he didn't feel under pressure.
I've suggested days out but he works a lot. We have an older disabled daughter that often takes priority with days out.
Tbh I think if we wdnt out now we'd sit in silence

I doubt very much life would be easier/better but I wouldn't be in a lonely marriage with no support. Mentally I cant do it anymore

You might not be in a lonely marriage but you might be a lonely aging carer of two adults with a disability in reduced circumstances with your own health failing one day. Your DH sounds like he’s been a consistent provider. Don’t underestimate how the grass may not be greener. Your post divorce reality might be harder.

Could you try to build a life within the security you have by going out and taking up interests and hobbies? That way you’d not be so focused on wanting your DH to give you something intangible or that he might not be capable of?

I'm a little confused, do you want to split or do you want to have MGC and continue.
Assuming he's a similar age to you. He's coming to the end of his career, hasn't fulfilled his life's ambitions and is just worn down with the drudge of life.
Could he be feeling the pressure of having to provide financially and then coming to to caring duties (assuming he pulls his weight) - and without taking away the fact that you do most of the caring.
Could he be feeling sad because he hasn't provided what he or you wanted out of life?

Could a short course of anti-depressants help?

Men of that age were brought up to suck it up and provide with no show of weakness. He probably feels saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing.

Does he get time to himself? He may need some time to decompress.

You say if you went out, you'd just sit in silence. Maybe a long time with the two of you in each other's arms just staring at clouds and just 'being' would be a good bonding experience? The words may come to him.

Sounds like he’s in a lonely marriage too. Working all the time and not appreciated either. If you worked OP you’d not be as lonely or bored looking to be regaled, woo’ed or entertained.

You say if/when you split you’ll have to stay living together so what actually changes? He may well want to cut his losses, get a new lease of life with someone else and split assets. As may you of course.

after 37 years together i dont think things will improve counselling or not. Put yourself first op. Youve only got one life. Are you able to get a job to start to support yourself?