Mixed feelings after my estranged mother's death, has anyone experienced this?

[Zawwy]

I've been no contact with my Mum for a few years. She died recently and it's hard to know how to feel about it and what to say to people. I've told some friends and they've been sympathetic, which makes me feel like a fraud. But I do feel affected by it, just not in a straightforward way.

Has anyone been through similar? It would help to hear other people's advice.

Have you tried the stately homes thread, I’m sure a lot of people in there have similar experiences.

and you aren’t a fraud btw. Some of us didn’t get the parents we needed it doesn’t make this stage any easier for you.

Agree with OneNewEagle
Some of us didn't get the parents we needed. And grief is complicated.even more so because of this.

I got some brilliant advice when I was in a similar situation. I have no idea how to link it but I am utterly indebted to the amazing advice I got.

The name of the post was "any advice please!!!" But I have no idea how to link it

Sorry to hear @Zawwy . I have been estranged from my own mum for over a decade and often get asked ‘but how will you feel when she dies?’

I always explain that I don’t expect to feel sorrow or regret, because I had already grieved for the mother I never had and processed the loss when I made the big decision to no longer have her in my life. As you know, estrangement is never a flippant ‘decision’ - it’s very complex, and I imagine that complexity will continue long after she dies (which won’t be that far away because she’s very elderly now). I also expect to feel some relief when she goes.

But the truth is, I don’t know how I will feel - and similarly, you don’t know how you truly feel now you are in this position. There’s a lot of expectation and convention around death - and that’s probably what you have an awareness of - but it’s different when you had a complicated relationship with your own mum.

I’m sorry, no real advice here! But just to say I recognise what a strange time you must be going through right now.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. It's complicated by the fact that my adult children were in contact with my Mum. They are grieving her in a more straightforward way. I think they are surprised that I'm affected at all, which feels like criticism. They've also been remembered in her will, where as I have not, which reminds me of past feelings of rejection.

I knew she would not leave anything to me, but likely would to my children, it still hurts though. And then I feel self critical about it all - like I'm greedy wanting her money, but I did want her love and attention I guess. It's hard that she was able to give it to other people but not me.

I can never voice this in real life but I feel relieved. There were several points each year, anniversaries if you will, where her toxic behaviour would escalate and I’d find the build up to these dates incredibly stressful because I never knew what she was going to do to engineer an argument between me and other relatives, or what she was telling people (usually something made up where she was the victim and I had wronged her). 3 of these dates have passed since she died without incident. I thought I would feel sad when she died, maybe regret the last few years of no contact (on my part at least), or grieve the relationship that could have been. I don’t though. I just feel relieved.

Her actual death wasn’t without drama however, and due to this I had to be involved from a legal sense and I’ve certainly appreciated support from friends around this situation who were aware of the complicated history. It’s only a handful of friends who know though. I think if it had been a mundane died in her bed asleep death I might not even have mentioned it to anyone.

I am 23 years estranged from my father. He's 90.

He was a very selfish and destructive man.

It was incredibly hard to walk away but I realised I had to break the chain of dysfunction. I had kids, I couldnt have them around him, and I wasn't giving them the best of me because I was constantly dealing with the turmoil and trouble he caused.

I literally felt physical pain for a year after I broke the chain, to the point I got various tests done to make sure I didn't have cancer.

In that time, though, I very thoroughly and extensively mourned the relationship, the past, the father I wanted but didnt get, the charming and fun sides of him that I sometimes saw, the horrible harm he had visited on everyone whoever loved him.

After a few years, I realised that I hardly ever thought of him anymore.

But it's a bit of an odd grief, more like grief for a zombie who occasionally pops up in your life. We had some brief contact when my sister died a few years ago, he wanted to reconcile, for me to visit. I thought about it for 5 seconds, and the answer was such a resounding NO WAY that I felt at peace with it and put it to one side after a few hours.

I don't know how I'll feel when he dies. Maybe relief that I can put the zombie to rest? Maybe it'll be mixed with a distant affection and compassion for his fuckedupness.

I'm not expecting any surprise feelings, but as PPs said, you wont know until the moment comes.

Yes, I was estranged from my father for over twenty years (with brief contact at times). He died from liver cancer and I did not go and see him in hospital. I couldn't bear to as I had just lost my mother to stomach cancer. He was a heroin addict and pretty abusive so people understood why I went no contact but it still upset me greatly that he died. Part of it was grief, part guilt, part wanting him to have been a better father.

Not yet but I will do when the time comes . She hasn’t been a good mother and has given me huge amounts of distress over the years but I don’t have any other local family who I’m in touch with so when she goes I will feel the loss of connection more than the loss of specifically her if that makes sense .

I’m about one step away from being estranged from my parents. I only continue to make contact out of guilt and obligation. Deep in my soul I look forward to the freedom that will come when they die. I expect I will have some conflicting feelings, who knows.

I went NC with my whole family when I was 21. Mt father was a violent, abusive alcoholic and I had to leave for my own safety.
13 years after I left, curiosity got the better of me one night and I did a search on my family. I never expected to find that my father had died 7 years before at the age of 50. I was shell shocked for days after. So many different emotions, and yes, grief. Even though he did terrible things to me, there were times when he was a great Dad, and that was who I wished he could have been, all the time.
But the worst bit was trying to explain how I was feeling to my DP, his family and my friends when he had died so many years before. A lot of them didn’t know I had been no contact, or the reasons why, so it was traumatic trying to explain why I hadn’t known.
The trauma of finding out about his death coupled with explaining my past made for one of the most difficult periods of my life. The flip side was, I reconnected with my family a week after I found out and I have a fabulous relationship with them now.
In the past few years, I have lost very close friends and it’s hit me in different ways for each of them. That made me realise grief and loss is not straightforward or easily defined. So, I’ve learnt to just lean in to my feelings and accept them for what they are rather than try and force myself to act or behave in a way that others might expect. And that’s ok.

I was estranged from my mother who died a couple of years ago, it was my half brother who I finally got in contact with whom was also estranged from her who told me she had terminal cancer. She had never bother to reach out all during all of those years. When he told me she had died I felt nothing, but I grieved the answers I felt I deserved after all those years. I felt sad that she didnt want to be my mother and meet my kids and I was left feeling empty.
I did have a cry, I was living abroad at the time and didnt know where the funeral was held or even where shes buried.
But its all over now and thats a relief.

How do you feel op? What emotions came up, as it is so personal to each person. No two lives are the same.

Take extra care of yourself, consider counselling, and if you have close friends then tell them how you are feeling. Ultimately, you did not choose any of this, you were the child in this situation looking to the adults to care for you. The fact they couldn't/wouldn't is the saddest part of this.

My dad died after 20 years of no contact, it brought a lot of stuff up for me and like you I felt a fraud if anyone offered condolences but now I feel free, he can't hurt me anymore and its shut that door on that chapter, be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve for the parent they should have been

I am in contact with both my parents but absolutely minimally. Mum lives in France and moved overseas 30 years ago so it’s very easy to be low contact. I gave up traipsing out to visit her with no reciprocation seven years ago and haven’t seen her since, we speak around once a month and it’s pleasant enough. I spent ages thinking will I regret this but then I realised she won’t be thinking anything along those lines so why am I. I agree with whoever said I’ve already done endless grieving and therapy when she dies I expect it to be a non event.

My Father is more straight forward as in the relationship has always been superficial and quite cool and I made peace with that decades ago.

My main worry is I will be expected to travel to France for a funeral ceremony and I will not want to I know that.

Mine isn’t dead yet but I think often about how I’ll actually feel when the time comes. I think that I wouldn’t be bothered as I haven’t seen her for nearly 20 years however I think it will hit me harder than I realise and I’ll be mourning the mum I wish I had.

Oh boy, I remember it well. I had the physical symptoms of grief like I could feel a heavy weight on my chest but honestly, sometimes I just got the giggles about it. That he was actually dead and completely unable to say nasty stuff. It was brilliant. Like my inner child was bubbling over.

THEN I was angry that he had died and I would definitely never have one last ridiculous attempt at getting him to behave like a dad.

Then it’s just a big sad at the waste of a life, his life was shit because of his personality. Like small and dull before you even get to how much hate he had in him. And I can see now as an older adult what an asset, or tragedy, your character can be, and that when you hit 40/50/60 you have good things to look back on with joy and he just had nothing in that place. He’d built nothing.

Now, it’s peace really. Hes not suffering anywhere, I know that in my bones, and if he is somewhere beyond and a healed version of himself, he'd be cheering me on.