Ex threatening to block new partner meeting my child

[Ohifonlylifewaseasy]

My ex and I split 3 years ago, it was a highly toxic and coercive relationship which took me a long time to heal from. He always threatened to “ruin my life” if I ended the relationship and so far he has tried his best.
I have been with a wonderful man for the last 6 months, he’s everything I have ever dreamed of and we’re so happy. He has 2 children as do I.
My children have different fathers and I have a fantastic relationship with my eldests father, we spoke about my eldest meeting my partner and he was fine about it. My youngest father is the one who causes me all the problems and has always said he will never allow another man in my sons life and if I tried to introduce anyone he wouldn’t whatever he could go take my son away from me. I have my youngest 95% of the time so this is now causing issues with my relationship as we barely see each other. My partner is understanding but is also getting tired of us not being able to have a proper relationship because of my exs restrictions.

I have a lot of trauma because of my ex and I still feel controlled to an extent, part of me wants to ignore him and do what I feels best for me and my kids but at the same time I just know it’ll open a can of worms and cause so much grief

How old? I had been NC with my ex for 18 months, but my youngest will be 16 soon. Mature enough to sort out any comms like taking away on holiday, no other need to message.

But even if not old enough, why are you asking permission? I get it as a courtesy but that should only be with someone you have a respectful relationship with., Just say nothing, its your life

You are going to have to go through the inevitable shitstorm unfortunately.

Do what you want. No judge is going to give him custody of your child when he only sees them 5% of the time. He is just bullying you and trying to control from afar. If he starts threatening you, log everything, take screenshots, record calls etc. inform the police if it gets too much.

I had this to a degree and when it came to it he soon backed off when he realised it wouldn’t get him anywhere and he didn’t want to pay legal bills when he could spend that money getting pissed up every weekend with his mates instead.

Indeed, just ignore him and let him do his worth. It’ll probably be worth it to go through the legal system (if he really bothers), so you can at least get something official in place and can then deal with the ex in a hands off basis.

Stop letting your ex control your life. It’s nothing to do with him whether your partner meets the children.

I’m confused. Do you think you aren’t allowed to introduce your partner to your child because your ex says so? Or do you mean you are scared of what they might do in retaliation? What do you think they might do?

They have no chance whatsoever of becoming the resident parent as a result.

You should live your life doing what is best for you and your DC. Stop allowing ex to control you.

Ignore him OP. He can't decide when you introduce a new partner to your kids, and there's no way a dad who is happy to see his kid 5% of the time will get full custody.

What can he actually do about it op? Precisely nothing. You must know that he isn’t actually going to do anything to get custody, and even if he did, no judge is going to grant him it. So just ignore him and carry on dating your new guy.

why are you even considering what your ex wants when he's so vile towards you? it's non of his business. you do you.

Youve only been together 6 months why the rush to introduce them

your ex sounds like a dick but 6 months is a very short amount of time to have had a relationship before introducing your child, especially if you already haven’t had much time together and it would be a second potential step parent for your eldest child.

It probably is better for your children just to have the stability of you, their fathers and no one else so I can see where your ex is coming from, even if it does mean you have to sacrifice having a boyfriend for a few years.

Agree with @SpottyPyjama. Don't let your ex control you. BUT 6 months is far too soon. Give it another year.

Put the ex on an information diet. He can't react to what he doesn't know.

Apply for a child arrangement order to formalise the care arrangement so that if he goes through with the threat you can get your child back.

Keep any evidence of his threats and general bad behaviour, Ideally in writing, otherwise grey rock as needed. If it feels dangerous then contact the police for advice.

Otherwise ignore.

What can of worms, what’s the worst he can do?

I’d wait until you were dating for a year or so, but in reality there is nothing your ex can do if you want to introduce your child to 500 new men (I am not suggesting this is a good idea!). What you do during your time with your DS is your business, provided it’s not harmful or illegal and your ex cannot stop you - you are not under his control and you don’t have to seek permission.

Agreed entirely. It’s too soon to introduce them anyway I think. You’re still in the honeymoon period.

My youngest father is the one who causes me all the problems and has always said he will never allow another man in my sons life and if I tried to introduce anyone he wouldn’t whatever he could go take my son away from me

Do you have this in writing? If not it might be worth switching to a parenting app for communication and refusing all
other methods due to his coercive control. Anything reportable, report.

But also, I do think 6 months is far too early to be introducing a new man. Especially when you have come out of an abusive relationship and are therefore more likely to find yourself in one again.

How old was your oldest when he met your ex?

I think 6 months is too early to introduce a new partner to a child. It's really early days. I'd wait until a year +. It sounds like your kids have already been through enough upheaval. That being said, your ex can't do fuckall about it. Id documentation every threat, and if he wants to take it to court, have it written and have screen shots printed. Also,it might be worth communicating via a parenting app. They are good evidence in custody cases.

Why does your ex know anything about your relationship anyway? Don’t give him information. But it is fuck all to do with him anyway. If he hardly ever sees his son, it’s not like he is going to want more in reality. But 6 months is a little early.

If he works away during the week mon to fri, he cannot possibly have the child more so his threats of ‘going for custody’ are just an empty threat.

If he facetime you during his contact do not answer. Phone back when you are available. You do not need to be available to him whenever he calls. keep a record of how often he facetimes you too during contact. Do it retrospectively. This is clear evidence of controlling behaviour.

What happened with the holiday in the end? Did he drive the child there?

Go back to cms and have his wages garnished because he isnt paying. This is also an example of abuse. Add to your records every month he hasnt paid and those he hasnt paid on the agreed date.

I don't understand why you're limiting time with your partner just because your ex says so. I completely believe he's a vindictive, belligerent twat but (a) how will he know how often you see your partner; and (b) what will he actually do?

I'm a family law solicitor. Do whatever you want. The father's position is wholly unreasonable and he would not find any support in court.

Psychologists’ and Court’s rule of thumb is 6-9 months before introducing a new partner and 12-18 months before living together.

I agree, use an app for communications so he can’t delete messages and give him as little information about your life as possible.

I don’t agree with your ex in that he is obviously abusive, however, introducing them to a boyfriend after 6 months is inappropriate and not a child first approach.

I can understand that if you have your DC 95% of the time you feel like you "need" to introduce them to your new boyfriend, so you can see your new boyfriend more, albeit as a family unit.

Too soon. Far too soon.

My partner is understanding but is also getting tired of us not being able to have a proper relationship because of my exs restrictions.

He's with a woman with two children, who she has 95% of the time. The relationship you can have, that's proper, at the moment, is one that centers your DC. Not him.

Yes, 100%.

It's too soon, 6 months is nothing, you are in the early stages of a relationship. Plus, any decent, healthy partner of yours shouldn't get 'tired' in whatever shape that takes. He sounds a little... off too. Sorry. He should be supportive, not 'tired' because he chose to date a woman with children. That kind of thinking should be a warning.

As for your ex, record everything. Every threat. Everything, then ignore him and stop allowing him to control you.