Ending my marriage while worried about my husband's mental health

[Sugarplum5]

I am wanting to end my marriage due to lack of support and other things, I was unfaithful many years ago and my husband has never gotten over it (he discovered this 5 years ago after one of his friends told him he knew. He still brings it up to this day, he's had panic attacks and anxiety and needs counselling but refuses. There were many reasons to me being unfaithful but I'm not excusing it. I can no longer cope with being with him, I am very unhappy and have been for a long time. The issue is his mental health worries me and is holding me back. I am frightened to death of him committing suicide because of his thoughts and not being able to cope alone. Has anyone else experienced this, I know this isnt my responsibility at all but I have contributed to how he feels. Any advice please, be kind

I appreciate you feel you're to blame and we all know how Mumsnetters feel about cheaters but honestly if he decided to stay with you, he should be over it. Cheating is awful but I would always tell the partner to leave, if you make the conscious decision to stay, it is because you think there is a relationship to salvage and have decided that the cheating is not a dealbreaker for you. This is the decision your husband made so it is one he can live with. If anything, you cheating all that time ago was probably because you wanted an out but didn't know it. It will suck, the constant guilt that he might hurt himself etc but you can always refer him to get help, life is too short and will you ever be happy handcuffed to a grenade for the rest of your life. The mental health of a grown man is not your responsibility, you're not his carer. Just rip of the band-aid OP, I think this has been a long time coming.

I wouldn't leave someone in this state. Obviously your choice but you're asking for opinions, and I saw what happened to some kids when they lost their dad in a similar situation. Maybe try counselling.

Wtf

Yes I have been in a situation where I had similar concerns

I went ahead, but moved very slowly and supported as best I could.

At the end of the day people do get divorced every day and threatening (or even committing) sucicide is in no way a normal/ average/ expected reaction. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health and can’t expect you to tip toe around it forever. He’s the only one that can get help and develop coping methods. And no one will help him anyway unless he helps himself.

I have given him the ultimatum of getting counselling as one last chance that was 6 weeks ago and he still hasnt sorted it. I've told him I am not doing it for him. Even if I hadnt been unfaithful I still think this is how he would be with me choosing to leave. I feel completely trapped

Exactly my thought, he chose to stay and ive supported him so much over the years trying to help and show him how sorry I am but I have had enough now. Aside from that he is very unsupportive around the home and with the children, I do everything and my own mental health has suffered because of this.

He appears fine until he is triggered by something or if i tell him I am unhappy and want out. Then the anxiety and thoughts start. I cant deal with it and feel trapped

Meaning?