Ending my marriage while worried about my husband's mental health

[Sugarplum5]

I am wanting to end my marriage due to lack of support and other things, I was unfaithful many years ago and my husband has never gotten over it (he discovered this 5 years ago after one of his friends told him he knew. He still brings it up to this day, he's had panic attacks and anxiety and needs counselling but refuses. There were many reasons to me being unfaithful but I'm not excusing it. I can no longer cope with being with him, I am very unhappy and have been for a long time. The issue is his mental health worries me and is holding me back. I am frightened to death of him committing suicide because of his thoughts and not being able to cope alone. Has anyone else experienced this, I know this isnt my responsibility at all but I have contributed to how he feels. Any advice please, be kind

I appreciate you feel you're to blame and we all know how Mumsnetters feel about cheaters but honestly if he decided to stay with you, he should be over it. Cheating is awful but I would always tell the partner to leave, if you make the conscious decision to stay, it is because you think there is a relationship to salvage and have decided that the cheating is not a dealbreaker for you. This is the decision your husband made so it is one he can live with. If anything, you cheating all that time ago was probably because you wanted an out but didn't know it. It will suck, the constant guilt that he might hurt himself etc but you can always refer him to get help, life is too short and will you ever be happy handcuffed to a grenade for the rest of your life. The mental health of a grown man is not your responsibility, you're not his carer. Just rip of the band-aid OP, I think this has been a long time coming.

I wouldn't leave someone in this state. Obviously your choice but you're asking for opinions, and I saw what happened to some kids when they lost their dad in a similar situation. Maybe try counselling.

Wtf

Yes I have been in a situation where I had similar concerns

I went ahead, but moved very slowly and supported as best I could.

At the end of the day people do get divorced every day and threatening (or even committing) sucicide is in no way a normal/ average/ expected reaction. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health and can’t expect you to tip toe around it forever. He’s the only one that can get help and develop coping methods. And no one will help him anyway unless he helps himself.

I have given him the ultimatum of getting counselling as one last chance that was 6 weeks ago and he still hasnt sorted it. I've told him I am not doing it for him. Even if I hadnt been unfaithful I still think this is how he would be with me choosing to leave. I feel completely trapped

Exactly my thought, he chose to stay and ive supported him so much over the years trying to help and show him how sorry I am but I have had enough now. Aside from that he is very unsupportive around the home and with the children, I do everything and my own mental health has suffered because of this.

He appears fine until he is triggered by something or if i tell him I am unhappy and want out. Then the anxiety and thoughts start. I cant deal with it and feel trapped

Meaning?

You leave. Then he might sort himself out. He's using it to imprison you. Using the guilt card or playing the victim. His MH is his responsibility. This is going to go round in circles forever if one of you doesn't make a move and it looks like that someone is you.

It's a very hard one. I never judge people for cheating because you probably were neglected by him and overwhelmed with his mental health and moods (of my friends who have cheated, this was the case). I'm not saying it's fine just that maybe he should look at why you felt you needed to do that. It sounds like you guys do need to separate, could you do marriage counselling with someone who could also then segue into individual counselling for him and just take the process really slow, like live together separated for a while?

That is exactly why and he never listened to how I felt, still doesn't. No one can judge unless they've been there or know if people's circumstances. I agree, but he is making it so hard, I feel he's on the verge of s breakdown and I just want out

I agree, thats all its ever been going around in circles, I've had enough. Feel like I'm living my life to suit him

The only person who can break this cycle is you. Speak to Women's Aid. Your DH's mental health is not your responsibility and there is nothing you can do to help him.

If he is threatening suicide, call the emergency services. Threats of suicide is a common tactic in coercion: "If you do this I will kill myself and it will be on you."

This is no way to live. Take advice, file for divorce and build a better life for you and your children.

You are.

Look, he knows you are unhappy and want to leave and he’s doing his level best to keep you feeling that way. He doesn’t care about you; he only cares about controlling you. You can take back your power and leave but he isn’t going to like it and he’ll make all sorts of threats about suicide and self harm. Ultimately you can only protect yourself and your children. You can’t protect him, not at the expense of your own mental health and wellbeing.

I don't want to focus on the cheating because whilst it's wrong, sometimes people have complicated reasons why they seek a bit of affection outside of their relationship.

Your husband chose to stay in the marriage. He has also chosen not to get any help with his mental health. If he were to do anything to endanger or end his life, that would also be his choice, as tragic as that would be. There comes a point where you have to give yourself permission to leave. You can't stay out of fear, or feeling sorry for him. I'd go ahead with separating, but take it as gently as possible. Life is short. Don't spend yours being miserable.

I think you should leave him.

Its clear you don't love, admire or even like him. Its awful living like that. Yes, he'll find it really hard to start with but it might actually improve his mental health long term.

You're going to leave eventually or perhaps have another affair because you are so unhappy. Just get it over with.

Honestly, it sounds like it'll be better for him if you end it then.

Potentially if the bad thing he's worried about actually happens, then he can stop being anxious about it and start to move on. No matter what the initial reasons for your affair, you fucked him up by cheating on him rather than ending it back then. Now he's going to be anxious about it happening again or you ending it until you finally do what you should have done all those years ago and leave him.