How can I stay strong after ending a controlling marriage abroad?

[dunky1234]

I posted here a few months ago regarding being in a marriage where my husband is extremely controlling and would often use sexual co-ercive control for nearly 20 years.

We lived in the UAE and I returned with my children to the UK due to the regional current situation.

I ended up giving in and moving back to the UAE with my children as I was effectively homeless and I am very lucky as I started a business and it has really taken off.

It was fine to start with he "appeared" to have changed and now the mask has came off and he is back to his usual self. I have been working from 8am - 12pm every single day only taken a few hours off at the weekend to spend time with my children.

I recently got sick and all my "husband" wanted to do was shout and scream at me as I have been " off with him" Today I have ended our marriage for good.

I am now getting the guilt trip. He has lost everything no income, no family and if course in the UAE its very strict with any debts. I am going to have to cover his bills until he is on his feet along with everything else. He is extremely quick to say that he will go back to the UK and forget about his kids as he has "no option"

Now what my worry is - I will be guilt tripped into staying with him. I do not love him anymore infact I dont even like him but we have been together for 20 years so I will of course feel guilty. I just need some advice on how to stay strong please if anyone can share previous experiences that would be amazing! -

Thank you all x

Be careful, OP. My understanding is that in the UAE fathers have greater rights in respect of their children than mothers do. I think you should say no more about it for now but get some legal advice. Tbh, it might make sense to let him go back to England and then you can see how to play things based on legal advice.

Sorry, not clear:

Are you permanent resident of UAE or British or dual nationality? What is he?

Who is primary care giver?

You are doing well but he is in debt, how?

Do you rely on him for childcare?

Are you renting or homeowners?

Would UAE not take a dim view of you being separate/single mum?

Where are your families? Do you have family support?

You clearly are unhappy.
Bottom line:
Where do you want to live in the here and now?
Can you afford it?
What do your kids need and want?
Is this doable for you?

Let him go. If you have a legal right to be in the UAE and are able to be a single parent, no idea how the law covers you, then if he wants to leave let him. Do you have any support over there? If him leaving screws you over then leave first do a midnight flit and bring the children back to the UK. You can make it work without him you know this. But consulting a lawyer seems like a sensible option right now so you know where you stand.

We can divorce in Dubai as British expats and it can be finalised in 30-45 days which is quicker than the UK.

I am safe, I have a fantastic work opportunity which will keep myself and children financially stable. All bills will be covered and we will be able to enjoy life my real concern is how not to fall back into the trap of changing my mind. I feel like he has a spell over me

Can you file a police report about the sexual abuse- it might be marital rape- and get him locked up so the state is paying for his keep not you and he can’t be around to creep back into your life?

Failing that, I’d get a good therapist who can ensure you don’t fall back into a marriage where you’re being coerced into sex and abused.

This is a very good idea re the therapy. I would never forgive myself if he went to jail and I know that wrong

I can empathise with that, I am in the middle of something similar. I did end up reporting to the police. They took it far more seriously than I had. It was a shock to the system - because you’re right it is like being under a spell- to start to see my marriage for what it really was.