How to know when it's the end and how to separate/divorce?

[chinup123]

I think my marriage is over and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that or if that is the right thing to do or even where to start. I really apologise if this is long.

My DH's behaviour just isn't in line with keeping a happy and healthy marriage going and hasn't been for a while. I understand that nobody needs a reason to leave someone but it seems hard to make that decision when 1. I don't think its mutual but hard to say due to communication breakdown 2. There's been no definitive big issue to get me to that point e.g. cheating.

I'm feeling a bit like a boiled frog in that it has been a slow and steady cumulation of things. I also think I'm perimenopausal, and maybe that has reduced my tolerance levels.

However, in summary, married for 6 years, together for 13. No children together but each have our own. We own our home jointly and with a mortgage. I am the higher earner, not by loads, but it always feels more so as he is poor at managing money. He has a temper and doesn't manage his emotions well, small things can quickly blow up into an argument where he can switch into being nasty, personal and aggressive regardless of the origins of the argument.

More recently he did this in front of friends/family at a BBQ when a discussion/debate on politics got out of hand. And other people's response and shock at his behaviour I think has made me evaluate that behaviour which had somewhat become the norm.

My daughter is university age and has started reducing the times she comes home and when she stays here, I'd assumed this was for other reasons until she clarified it was because she doesn't like being around him. Finds his behaviour and coldness towards her difficult.

To the outside world (bar the recent BBQ incident) he presents as a lovely friendly person. Sociable, kind, will help out anyone. This is the opposite to what I get, and I find that hard that more and more grating. I can barely get a 'how's your day been?' whilst he has a 20 minute conversation with the next door neighbour. My daughter has the same experience. He can hold a conversation and show an interest in other people but not her.

About 12 months ago we hit pretty rock bottom and I suggested splitting. He made it very clear he would be difficult about this when it came to deciding what to do with the house and selling/splitting this.

We went to couples counselling, we stopped going after 4-5 sessions, I largely decided this as it didn't seem to be getting anywhere. His 'outside' persona was the only one he was offering up in counselling and I didn't feel like he was offering up any honest thoughts and feelings so it seemed pointless.

If we split, it will be me that instigates this, I don't THINK he wants to split but its very difficult to read. His only emotions come out when angry and then after that he's a closed book.

It makes sense for me to be the one to leave the property as I have my daughter who is not home so its 'easier'. He has 2 sons who he has 50/50 care of and 2 dogs which are his responsibility.

I can't afford to rent somewhere and pay half towards the mortgage. Neither of us is in a position to buy the other out to retain the property for ourselves. I could pay the mortgage/get a mortgage on my own, I think he would struggle. He isn't good with money so I'd worry about having any financial ties to the property whilst not living there/looking after the finances as he wouldn't keep on top of this and could wrack up debt linked to me which I can't have happen due to my job. Based on previous reaction he's just going to dig his heels in and refuse to leave or entertain selling.

So I feel very stuck. I don't feel like I can do anything to help improve the situation and I don't feel like I can leave/start again even though I would be willing to.

Does anyone have any advice that has perhaps been through similar, how did you make any sort of break through in terms of moving on, separating and starting that process?

I'm early 40s and I feel like life is just too short to be miserable

Sorry that is long, thank you to anyone that perseveres with reading all that 😅

When you start writing stuff like this and its not getting better that woukd tell me it's the end, yes.

It very much sounds like you've woken up to how difficult and rude he can be. Your DD has already started visiting less often. She obviously noticed it sooner. You need to see a solicitor but I divorced quickly because found out he had cheated and couldn't bare to be married to him after that, and then we sorted out finances afterwards. Exh made life very difficult for me. You could both stay in the same house whilst divorcing. Ask solicitor to start divorce petition asap. Decide if you agree to 50/50 split on equity in house and pension sharing. If yes, it shouldnt be too difficult. If no you will have to fight for your half. He can't refuse to sell if a judge orders the sale of the house. Get 3 valuations when he is not about and use middle one.

Even if you don't immediately file for divorce, a consultation about your rights and options when it comes to the house might lessen your worries about it. You've done all you could to try to improve things and it hasn't worked, so yeah, why be miserable the rest of your life just so he won't have anger you have to be around, which will be temporary since you don't share children.

He sounds somewhat similar to my 1st husband--people person around others and saving all the bad for me. He didn't want to be at marital counseling and would get angry at me for bringing up instances to the counselor, which was ridiculous. How did expect things to be resolved. Anyway, I'm glad we went so that I felt like I'd pulled out all the stops before throwing in the towel. I'm sure you also feel more confident in your decision because you know you at least tried.

Definitely stay in the house until the housing issue is legally handled, but do try to create your own private quarters while in the house. That way at least you can have personal space when he's difficult to be around. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thanks I’ve re read what I have written a few times as putting it down like that helps. To be honest the version I have written is somewhat softened round the edges.

i have given everything, tried everything. I’ve sacrificed so much. I’m not a quitter and it still feels like I’m quitting. I wouldn’t have got married if I thought it would have panned out this way.

I’ve had a conversation with him this evening about the house and what would happen if we split. And he’s denied all knowledge about being difficult when we’ve discussed this before.

maybe he is also resigned to it. I think I will need to seek legal advice regardless. It’s going to be very tough anyway, he won’t make it pleasant to cohabit whilst things get sorted

No advice but sounds miserable. Good luck to you.

This sounds really hard OP. It reads like you are completely done to be honest. It’s just finding a solution now.

I think you have every reason to seek a divorce, your daughter's reluctance to visit because of him would be top of my list. You don't need his permission and it doesn't matter if he wants to split or not. Either one of you has the right to end the relationship if you are unhappy.

I would grit your teeth and stay in the property until it's sold, then you can go your separate ways. It's not going to be easy sharing the home for possibly months while this is going on, but you must keep focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Lean on your friends and family and get through it - it will be worth it in the end.

I feel done. I’m not upset or even angry. After yet another cycle of an out of proportion argument/temper tantrum and the sulking and cold shoulder that can last for days after. I’m just spent, I’m just numb.

I can feel my own mental health declining when I’m usually pretty resilient. I haven’t cried when I’ve thought about splitting, it’s something that I’ve been weighing up for sometime that im almost at peace with it.

my daughter’s position on it is a huge factor, i knew she wouldn’t see eye to eye with him but she’s done with his selfishness.

The only thing my mind still creeps back to, and maybe it’s almost like grieving what i know i will lose. Is I do still love him. Very much. We actually even had a lovely holiday this summer. There are nice moments. But the bad far out weighs and then ultimately taints them.

I just know I can’t carry on living like this.

My conversation with him tonight has at least given me some hope we can deal with the house amicably.

how the house is in no fit state to sell at a price we’d want is a completely different story and problem 🙄

I think you need to balance it being awkward and difficult for a few months against you feeling this way for the rest of your life. I’m currently in the middle of that process and it is really difficult but at least I have the faith it will be better in the not so far away future

It’s over between you and he because of the abuse he metes out. That is also why your dd rarely if at all return home. Hes abusing you and in turn your fighter. Such men hate women too, ALL of them. Now your friends are seeing what he’s like behind closed doors towards you: the man is a walking red flag.

You are and have been in an abusive relationship with him. This is primarily why couples counselling did not work and was infact a waste of time. Abuse is not a relationship issue, it’s about power and control and he wants absolute over you here. The silent treatment to you is an example of emotional abuse and you’ve been the boiled frog. He’s ramped up the power and control against you over time.

i very much doubt he will remain amicable once he fully gets wind of your plan to leave him. He will remain just as abusive and volatile once you have separated from him too. For your sake and your DDs start planning a new life away from him. Women’s Aid are also worth contacting here too.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?. It’s not your fault he is abusive towards you and you did not make him
that way either. Think more about what you will
gain rather than lost here: peace of mind and living in an abuse free home. He will no longer wield power and control over you.

I could have written this myself. Lots of things you mention resonate with me. My soon to be ex, has 2 sides and you never know which one you will get. But to the outside world he is this great bloke that's always willing to help. Indoors, when things don't go his way, he behaves like a grown man having a complete tantrum and becomes verbally abusive.

Finally, I have reached the point that I'm ready to leave and am starting divorce proceedings. You have to be ready for this and you'll know when you are. It doesn't matter how many people tell you to leave, you won't be able to do it until you feel it in your gut that it's done. It's taken me 10 years to reach this point - mostly because of the children. But also because I have spent more than half my life with this man and the thought of it being completely over really hurts.

The first step is getting a free consultation with a family lawyer, just to understand the process. Depending on your financial situation you may wish to proceed with them understanding that it's going to be expensive for you and him. I have found an online alternative that was recommended to me and provide a brilliant service at a fixed rate fee.

And then, I think it's getting through it a step at a time. I'm right at the start of this process, wishing I'd done it so much sooner. But I can now visualise what it will be like on the other side and I'm excited about that.

Good luck and feel free to PM me

I would just do the next right thing. If that is to gather some more information, by seeing a solicitor, then that's the next thing to do. You'll then have more of a picture on which to base the next decision. I don't doubt that he will make a divorce difficult, he certainly doesn't sound like he will make it easy, but that is no reason to stay. A difficult divorce is absolutely preferable to spending the rest of your life with someone like this, ask me how I know.

Your daughter has told you very plainly what the situation is, and if it were me I would listen to her, even if you can't quite hear your own thoughts clearly. Tell her you've heard her, appreciate her honesty and have taken it on board.

And the whole, everyone else thinks he's marvellous? They don't. Some will be fooled by the act, there are people that will admit to you once the split is over that they saw chinks in the armour all along. Don't made decisions based on fear, do what is best for you long term. You don't need this for the rest of your life.

💯

Thank you for the responses. Those that have been through similar or are going through it. Thank you, a lot of what you put resonates.

it’s been a very long weekend of mostly trying to stay out of each others way. On the occasions where we have been able to talk. The positives are that he does at this point seem like he will be more amicable. In that he seems to accept the house will need to be sold

there’s been an awful lot of gaslighting involved to the extent where I find it hard to think straight. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to him but I have tried to articulate where I’m at and why. But when I do, nothing is heard. It’s instantly flipped round back at me.

this used to upset me, it doesn’t now, I can see it for what it is. He doesn’t listen, every time I try and explain my feelings he sees it as an attack and has an answer or something to fight back and argue against. Whilst never taking on board what I’m trying to say. I tried to explain that to him, he said ‘no you listen to me’. I wanted to roll on the floor and laugh it’s so bloody ironic.

So yes I’m done. And I still haven’t shed a tear. Because I’m just so fucking numb.

I have told him so and I’m going to seek legal advice Tuesday. He said to me today that he doesn’t think he can cohabit as it’s too painful. So he’s looking at options. Which tbh would be the ideal for me.

There are so many things I know I will be sad about when the numbness wears off. Like his family, who I love. But he’s told me repeatedly this weekend that the grass isn’t always greener and I’m not appreciating what I’ve got, but I feel pretty confident it will be much greener and I will be ok

Those that have been through this, how did you manage with co-habiting?

I'm dropping DD back off at Uni this weekend, and she's barely been around since this kicked off three weeks ago. It's sad but in some way I will be relieved as I feel like I've been walking a tightrope between her and husband and trying to stop WW3 kicking off.

I've largely set myself up in the bedroom and he's sleeping on the sofa, which is fine and not all together that odd as he'd often just fall asleep on the sofa on an evening and stay there anyway.

I'm quite good at just putting on a face, I can be polite and courteous, even friendly if I need to be. As far as I'm concerned, there is still a house to run and this takes some communication, and civilly is best. But I get blanked or grunted at.

He has expressed he finds the whole thing too hard and wants to move out whether that be temporarily or permanently which I have said is up to him, as I am not in a position to do so. He's been saying that for 2 weeks now, with no progress, so I suspect its just something he keeps throwing out there in the hope I beg him not to.

When there has been any attempt at discussion, he sees it all as being very much my responsibility. I'm the one who has chosen this, I'm the one who is blowing our lives apart, I'm the one who sat boundaries or conditions for change. Rather than attempting to understand what has lead me to that, and that being his behaviour.

He has however sort some help for his issues. He was drinking too much (still is) and is attending support meetings. After our marriage counselling last year it was recommended he seek personal therapy, to address a potential ADHD diagnosis and possible PTSD from childhood trauma. He now has this booked in, despite how I've been gently nudging him to do so for 12 months.

If you want to end the marriage you're going to have to do it all yourself as he is clearly unwilling to engage.

Take legal advice.
Make lists.
Get the house valued and put it on the market.
Hire a skip and get rid of anything that you wouldn't want to take with you into your new home. (This applies to you and your DDs stuff only.)
File for divorce.

Divorce is always a horrible business, but the sooner you make a start, the sooner it will be over.

But he’s told me repeatedly this weekend that the grass isn’t always greener

He obviously doesn't know that the grass is only greener where you water it and he seems to think it's up to you and you alone to tend the lawn.

It's hard but once you're on your own and not having to tiptoe around him you'll feel so much better ❤️

I still can't even cry or get upset. I'm just really bloody numb!

He thinks I'm just being some cold heartless bitch as I'm just carrying on. But I'm just numb and trying to just keep everything going.

Although he doesn't seem overly upset either, he seems more angry that he's not getting his way.

Not to say that you're discussing what went wrong in the marriage or verbally throwing blame at one another, if you happened to, or think of doing so in the near future, try to set a dynamic with him of speaking only of logistics and topics concerning your child as co-parents. If he starts speaking of you two as a couple, explain to him how avoiding those topics would be better to avoid and to stick to the future goal of an amicable parting. Add that not only will that be a nicer environment for you two, but that to make the transition less stressful for your child, that you each remain pleasant and mature.

I can relate to a man finally doing what he's been asked by his wife for so long. That happened with my ex. It's too little, too late, unfortunately, for the marriage. If he gets better, it's nice to wish him well for his own future, which you won't be part of, except for co-parenting. Take care.

Fortunately we don’t share any children. Which does make things easier