I think my marriage is over and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that or if that is the right thing to do or even where to start. I really apologise if this is long.
My DH's behaviour just isn't in line with keeping a happy and healthy marriage going and hasn't been for a while. I understand that nobody needs a reason to leave someone but it seems hard to make that decision when 1. I don't think its mutual but hard to say due to communication breakdown 2. There's been no definitive big issue to get me to that point e.g. cheating.
I'm feeling a bit like a boiled frog in that it has been a slow and steady cumulation of things. I also think I'm perimenopausal, and maybe that has reduced my tolerance levels.
However, in summary, married for 6 years, together for 13. No children together but each have our own. We own our home jointly and with a mortgage. I am the higher earner, not by loads, but it always feels more so as he is poor at managing money. He has a temper and doesn't manage his emotions well, small things can quickly blow up into an argument where he can switch into being nasty, personal and aggressive regardless of the origins of the argument.
More recently he did this in front of friends/family at a BBQ when a discussion/debate on politics got out of hand. And other people's response and shock at his behaviour I think has made me evaluate that behaviour which had somewhat become the norm.
My daughter is university age and has started reducing the times she comes home and when she stays here, I'd assumed this was for other reasons until she clarified it was because she doesn't like being around him. Finds his behaviour and coldness towards her difficult.
To the outside world (bar the recent BBQ incident) he presents as a lovely friendly person. Sociable, kind, will help out anyone. This is the opposite to what I get, and I find that hard that more and more grating. I can barely get a 'how's your day been?' whilst he has a 20 minute conversation with the next door neighbour. My daughter has the same experience. He can hold a conversation and show an interest in other people but not her.
About 12 months ago we hit pretty rock bottom and I suggested splitting. He made it very clear he would be difficult about this when it came to deciding what to do with the house and selling/splitting this.
We went to couples counselling, we stopped going after 4-5 sessions, I largely decided this as it didn't seem to be getting anywhere. His 'outside' persona was the only one he was offering up in counselling and I didn't feel like he was offering up any honest thoughts and feelings so it seemed pointless.
If we split, it will be me that instigates this, I don't THINK he wants to split but its very difficult to read. His only emotions come out when angry and then after that he's a closed book.
It makes sense for me to be the one to leave the property as I have my daughter who is not home so its 'easier'. He has 2 sons who he has 50/50 care of and 2 dogs which are his responsibility.
I can't afford to rent somewhere and pay half towards the mortgage. Neither of us is in a position to buy the other out to retain the property for ourselves. I could pay the mortgage/get a mortgage on my own, I think he would struggle. He isn't good with money so I'd worry about having any financial ties to the property whilst not living there/looking after the finances as he wouldn't keep on top of this and could wrack up debt linked to me which I can't have happen due to my job. Based on previous reaction he's just going to dig his heels in and refuse to leave or entertain selling.
So I feel very stuck. I don't feel like I can do anything to help improve the situation and I don't feel like I can leave/start again even though I would be willing to.
Does anyone have any advice that has perhaps been through similar, how did you make any sort of break through in terms of moving on, separating and starting that process?
I'm early 40s and I feel like life is just too short to be miserable