blended families dilemma

[namechangeforthisonelol]

So my best friend is in a long term relationship she has a child from previous relationship and her partner does. They have a joint child and don't live together. Both their children from previous relationship has additional needs. Both high support but different diagnosis. They tried to live together with all three and it was difficult to say the least. She asked him to move out and now it's a difficult situation and she doesn't know what to do. Third child has not got a disability and is living with mum and sees dad usually every other weekend and during the week evenings one week and none the next as he has his other child. Needs are incompatible so makes it hard to mix the kids. This works for now however, her partner's ex is always saying she's not available when it's her time to have their child. He will plan to take him back to her and she's just saying she out and turns her phone off. He ends up having his son extra days/nights almost weekly and now my friend is upset because her son sees his dad even less. Any advice I can pass on?

Total shitshow. No notes.

Absolutely ridiculous state of affairs and I feel sorry for the children in the midst of all this chaos.

Poor children.

Well he can’t drop the child off if the mum isn’t home. If he’s prepared to put up with such a ridiculous scenario happening regularly it won’t change and there’s nothing your friend can do. She’s made a series of stupid decisions, unfortunately it’s not just her suffering the consequences but her children.

My (extremely helpful) advice would be to get a time machine and use it to go back to avoid meeting him, so that both of the supposed adults in this situation can avoid putting their children in this ludicrous situation.

My advice to you would be not to try living together again.
Are you and your boyfriend both working?

Your partner should try and get full custody of his son. This way the child would have some stability in his life.

I don’t think there’s any perfect solution here - maybe as the kids get older it will be a bit easier to have them in the same space.

Sadly this is a pretty common scenario in families with more than one child with additional needs, as often kids are triggered by each other. Our kids are both autistic but relatively low need (in mainstream school, one has a 1 to 1, the other has various accommodations) - even with that lower level of need we’ve had periods where we discussed having to live apart, and we have to build in a lot of time away from each other.

There’s an American influencer who has had to live apart from her husband for the past 10 years or so, they took one son each and only saw each other when the kids were in school/childcare, but are now gradually managing to reintroduce the kids to each other and raise them together - I can’t remember her name but they’re talking about the process as “Project Brotherhood”, I don’t know whether there may be any useful advice there.

I would give the father the same advice every mother gets when she comes on here asking about a lackluster co-parent who doesn’t show up for their parenting time. He can’t make the other parent actually care for the child.

He needs to make a plan for having his older child more often given that the mother is unreliable. He is simply going to have to figure out a way to parent both of his children simultaneously. He chose to have two and he needs to come up with a solution.

Does he need to think about how his home is organized? Can he leverage the school schedule to help him balance the needs of his two children? Does he need to try to find the money to hire help? (I know that can be impossible)

The mother of the youngest in this scenario should be expecting him to do his job and figure it out. Of course, he may refuse and she will be in the same position, dealing with being the default parent and having to figure out a solution. For now though, I would push it back to him to solve.

The third child has no additional needs, is that right?

I can't see why the dad can't have both his kids at the same time, mum manages a child with additional needs and the baby/toddler, so presumably dad can too.

The step kids might be incompatible but their shared child is a sibling to both and both kids should build a relationship with him, even if dad finds it hard at first.

Oh wow. So interesting thanks. We did this. My partner moved out with my middle son who was very disruptive but much better one on one with his dad. Obviously it’s not a cheap way to live but if it’s an option, it’s a good one.

What were they thinking having another child? The poor kids, suffering because adults can’t control themselves and make better choices.

I’m a single parent, with a long term partner. We do not live together and we will not until my kid’s are grown and moved out. Because he is my choice, not their choice. He is wonderful, my kids are teens now so they hand out and we do fun things and he stays over very occasionally when they are here (a few times a year) but we keep our sleepovers for when they are with their dad or grandparents. Why would I need him involved so much in my kid’s lives? They didn’t choose him, this is their home and their space and they shouldn’t have a new man in it.

Your friend and this guy both made really selfish choices.

I agree it probably wasn't the best idea but I think they both just wanted a shot at being a family and thought they could make it work. The child is here now though so that can't be undone I'm just trying to think practically how they can make it work for the kids. Her partner won't be able to have his son full time as apparently when he's tried to apply for contact they say the schedule now works as it's shared so he does Monday to Friday she does that weekend then she will do a weekend and he does Monday to Friday. However, he is actually doing more as she often decides to go out and not answer the phone. I think my friend is finding it hard as their joint child is upset that they don't get to see dad as much or when he's expecting to come over he can't as he wil have his other child home when it wasn't meant to be his day. I have said to my friend if it were me I'd leave him and just do it alone as she pretty much is anyway. Yes both work both do part time and rent in social housing and she receives DLA but the dad doesn't get anything and pays maintenance. He can't afford extra help or care. They have separate finances and she pays for their son herself so I really do think she should leave.

Why isn’t she dropping their joint child at his even when he has his son? He needs to be spending time with and making an effort with both his kids, since they chose to go and have another one.

And he needs to be paying maintenance to your friend then. He can call CMS and dispute the maintenance he pays to his first child’s mother since he does most of the care, she should be paying him maintenance. He can also make a rival child benefit claim and show them all the evidence that he has the child more. Once he gets the CB, he can claim other child related benefits as well as he will be able to prove he is the main caregiver to UC.

It might be sucky but if that other mother isn’t actually having her son when she should then she isn’t the main caregiver and shouldn’t get the benefits or the child maintenance. He needs to start doing what is best for him and his children.

I'm not 100% sure but I assumed it was because after dad would finish work it would be their child's bed time as he's a pre schooler and he only has a one bed flat so can't have over nights with both due to care needs. She mentioned dad stays on the sofa can't afford private rent and both are housed through social so can't both have a room each for said child. I think the other mum relies solely on benefits and child maintenance so if he did do that she would have no income and it would be quite hard for their son.

I think my friend is asking for advice on more practical things she can do that's in her control because dad is quite tied up in a difficult situation and she can't really control any aspects of that.

personally I have said I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship but she thinks there will be a way to work it out.