Are we just in a difficult phase or growing apart?

[AtWitsEnd21]

I’m looking for peoples insights or experience. DH and I have been married for 7 years known each other for 11. We have two DC, almost 3&5.

Our early relationship was one built on shared enjoyment of travel and nice things. We had lots of trips away and ate out a lot. DH was flying high in his career and we had plenty of money for such frivolity. We had genuinely great times together.

Fast forward and DH career has stalled as a result of bad managers and bad luck and we are not in position financially to enjoy the good life as we did before. I have reduced my hours because of the extortionate cost of childcare in our area. We of course have our DC which has also (happily) diverted a lot of our income and has obviously massively reduced our ability to go out and have trips away. The end result of this is we cannot enjoy the things we used to.

DC 5 is a terrible sleeper and has woken almost every night since birth. I have given in to him looking for me because of the complete exhaustion that has resulted in bringing him back to his own bed multiple times a night. DC3 is a much better sleeper but wants to sleep in our bed. As it stands DH sleeps with DC3 and I sleep in the spare room and DC5 will come to me during the night.

DH has become very down about his career not having taken off in the way he had hoped or expected. I do feel for him as he did genuinely get the short straw on more than a couple of occasions but this has led him to become incredibly resentful and he quite often mopes around feeling sorry for himself. This has gone on for years now. He is incredibly untidy and messy and I have found myself very resentful of him, the mess he creates and often feel like it is like having another child to tidy up after. I have brought this up several times but nothing changes. The extent of this messiness is extreme, think trail of destruction follows him.

We are essentially like house mates at this point. He sleeps in one room, I in another. We are very very rarely intimate maybe once a year. After DC go to bed we sit on the couch and scroll or watch tv for an hour. Then retire to our seperate rooms. I’m quite happy in my own room. There is no real affection between us.

Im not sure if this is just a phase as a result of life’s pressures/babies/lack of sleep or are we in deeper trouble. Has anyone had experience of this? Did you come out the other side?

Do you still have respect for each other? Or contempt? I think that's an important variable

I’ve been where you are. With a 3 and 5-year-old you are very much still in the trenches, especially with the sleep issues, which we also experienced. We definitely found that the lack of time, money and energy to do things together was a big factor and as our kids got older and we got more of that back we were able to reconnect. But it did take time and therapy, individual for each of us and couples therapy together. We went through three couples therapists before finding the one that made the difference.

When my kids were younger, my younger daughter had sleep issues from day one. I tried to keep a routine where I laid beside her and sang 3 kiddie songs before going to my bed, but yeah, she often woke screaming a time or two after. I didn't give in to her sleeping in my bed, but would go to her bed for some soothing.

You decided on your best way to deal with sleep issues, but it doesn't mean things can't evolve. Perhaps come up with a reward system if they each stay in their own beds for the night. Maybe they get a sticker to put on a calendar, and when they get a count of 7 stickers, you go out for ice cream. Or they can pick a small prize out of a trinket bowl you've filled and keep high on a shelf. Just ideas you'll know how to tweak according to your kids ages and what they'll respond to.

For you and your husband, you could ask for a weekly night where no TVs and no cell phone scrolling will be the rule for after the kids go to bed. You could do something like listen to music, rub each others feet or backs while you talk about things to learn more about one another, like who their favorite teacher was and why. Who their best friend was in childhood. The present each were the most excited to receive during childhood or teen years, etc.

It'd be helpful to know how he is messy. Does he leave dirty clothes on the floor. Doesn't throw food wrappers away? Which chores does he do? Do you each have designated chores or do those flip flop between you two? Maybe more details will give us an idea on how to advise in that area.

I have brought this up several times but nothing changes

Tell him you’ve been thinking about leaving him and he needs to come to couples therapy with you. It might just wake him up.

It's over. Plan to increase your hours.

Don't let the horrible slog of young dc and sleepless nights drag you down. That will get better. Maybe the Sleep/young dc threads will have advice?

Soubds like DH lack of purpose/career disappointment is really affecting him and also you.

What are his realistic job prospects, retraining options, career moves?

To answer some questions.

How messy? DH gets out of shower having dropped his clothes on the floor, steps over them, drops wet towel on floor or bed and gets dressed.. Later in the day will go for a run, will leave sweaty clothes also on the floor. Will come down and make coffee leaving milk out sugar spilled on counter and coffee out. Etc etc. his office has weeks old coffee cups and cans of Coke left out. His sole contribution to the cleaning is unloading the dishwasher. He doesn’t clean at all, he doesn’t do washing. He cooks maybe once a week.

His job prospects are poor in a saturated tech market. This is one thing I do feel sorry for him about. He was on a great trajectory and when very stringent DEI policies were brought in he was no longer a good fit for promotion. This is not conjecture, he was told on at least theee occasions although he was the managers choice, he just couldn’t be promoted. He left and is now in an industry he hates. This experience has fundamentally changed his personality in ways I couldn’t have anticipated.

I take on board trying to tackle the sleep issues. I just have reached a point of total exhaustion which makes sleep the priority. I’m hoping when DC start school they will be tired enough to sleep through.

In the evenings I now enjoy the quiet time to read and be on my own after being touched and talked at and entertaining two DC. I don’t necessarily want to interact with him all that much.

I am going back FT as we can no longer afford for me to be PT also

Stop doing his laundry.

Tell him that anything he leaves on the floor will go into a separate bin to fester.

This. I dealt with this very quickly many years ago. I chucked everything I found on the floor into his wardrobe. Nothing got washed. The lesson was learned quickly.

I've been where you are. Get couples therapy now. Mine had an affair and it's made everything much harder.

Ok three things to address here:

1. The sleep issues. They won't just magically fix themselves when they start school. If you want your bed back, some intimacy and sleep with your hubby you need to start making changes now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

What is causing your eldest to wake? Nightmares, separation anxiety, needing a wee, a drink etc etc you need to try and move to a point where they are able to self settle and feel secure. Everyone wakes during the night, learning how to settle back is an important skill. Projector lights, dream catcher, drink, reward chart.....it wont happen quick but start as you mean to go on.

1. You undoubtedly have a man child. Leaving his wet clothes, towels etc just plain lazy. Of course people pick up the slack in a relationship and help each other but lazy builds resentment. You need to address this with him.

1. If you want to improve things you both need to be on the same page....is he? Set aside some time at home when you can, we love playing board games/jigsaws/ps5 what do you like doing?

He needs to pull his weight around the house. You deserve better.

He sounds depressed. He needs individual counselling. I'd put his dirty/wet clothes in a corner somewhere and he can deal with it.