How to stop feeling disgusted by a past relationship

[ForOpalLemur]

I was seeing a guy few months back, and I've been really struggling with coming to terms that this person was weird and the things he did to me and in general, were really really weird.

i just dont know how to stop my brain reminding me about the things he said, did and acted!!!! It’s driving me crazy and i hate feeling repulsed and disgusted it ruins my whole mood.

Ive dated/ seen other guys in the past and have the occasional ‘ewww cant believe i did that to myself’ but this is on a whole different level. Every time i think about it, i feel somewhat violated that i let those things happen.

What was so weird

If it's been a few months you probably need some professional help. Intrusive thoughs, PTSD? You need a paid person to help you out.

Soz i rlly dont know how to work this forum hahah:

His mannerisms were just very annoying like i mean clingy annoying.

he would infantilise me all the time. From the way he complimented me, spoke to me, when we would have sex. He also had some pretty weird and perverted kinks that he would unknowingly do, despite me saying no. One of them was CNC (consensual non consent) and I explicitly said i didnt want to do that. However i noticed that even me saying no didnt stop him treating me as rough and as harsh as possible to get off on. A lot of it was very degrading and its really upsetting me that i just ‘submitted’ and didnt stand up for myself.

when we would go to bed he would have the habit of just climbing on top of me as ‘cuddling’ and i hated it. Asked him so many times to stop and i said i liked sleeping facing away from him and he would just act all offended like i had committed a crime.

he always demanded PDA which i was uncomfortable with and he would always say “that just means you hate me”.

when we planned things he could never understand that i cant just drop everything and go with him. He would always be like “when i did this i planed it in a day its not that hard” but i have responsibilities and i kept saying that i cant just get up and go. He couldnt ever see things from my point of view.

when i was breaking things off from him, he accused me of sleeping with other guys and i said “out of respect for myself i will not answer that question” and he would go on and on about how i have been slutting myself.

the things is, fir some reason i was just so confused as for what i wanted when i was in this ‘relationship’. There were some things i could tolerate and some things i couldn’t. And i feel very infuriated at him and at myself that i didnt wake up and realise it all sooner lmao.

Sorry i did a follow up post bc i havent used this sight before so u can read what ive said on there :)

Its been like a couple weeks to a month since i broke things off. If it doesnt get better then i will seek help, was just wondering if other people had gone through something similar or had any advice on it.

I think you need to go to a Rape Crisis Centre and talk about the sexual assaults and violations of trust..

You also need to get therapy to explorebthe emotional and psychological fallout.

You forgive yourself for whatever you're blaming yourself for, stop blaming yourself, continue congratulating yourself for leaving something that was weird and take comfort in knowing that you've learned from this mistake that you will not repeat. You can also help someone else should they ever find themselves in a similar situation.

I have referred to it as a 'mistake' in the event no SA occurred but, if you think it did, then others have given you some good advice and know that SA is definitely not your fault under any circumstances.

I had never heard of consensual non consent before a young woman I know at work confessed about someone she knew who was harassing her and was into it.

It's basically rape fantasy. Did you consent to going along with that? I don't see how you can. I would recommend you speak to Rape Crisis as pp suggested.

I think he's abused you and you're reacting that was because you're trying to process what's happened to you.

sexual assualt did unfortunately happen as i was not consenting to things he was doing to me. I have seen the advice of going to some crisis centres and getting professional help but i honestly dont have much time to spare for this and i dont know when i will. At this point in time ive got a lot of important things happening for me that cant be ruined by that man and his behaviour.

Definitely. Im not depressed, anxious or have any other responses to this other than feeling really angry and disgusted. I dont wake up in the night with terrors or something and im not thinking about it constantly, just when im doing anything/ distracting myself where i randomly remember it

I think your conscious and subconscious minds are fighting. Your conscious mind is in denial. Your subconscious mind has correctly identified him as a danger to you.

Hence the intrusive thoughts.

Your ex is abusive and he was abusing you. I know that may be difficult for you to see or even understand. Please seek some therapy for yourself, to help you work through your emotions. Be thankful that you removed yourself from the relationship, because you recognised that his behaviour wasn't normal.

I'm sorry that happened to you. It is not your fault, you're not to blame and there is no need to feel shame over what he did to you. You are probably processing it and this takes time. Don't question why you didn't do this or that at the time things were happening. No one knows what they'll do when things like this happen. We are often shocked, fearful, in denial or conflicted about what we think is happening. You sound strong but something happened to you and maybe you just need the world to know. We hear you x

Sometimes it'd better to just forget, if you can, if not get help.

Thankyou for your very kind words. I havent really spoken about this at all with my friends family etc. so i definitely feel so much more free and relaxed that i can say the things he did whilst receiving advice from people on this forum. Its definitely going to take some work to forget but i am a strong person and i cant give him the satisfaction that its affecting me

Really sorry to hear that this has happened to you, OP.

I think our emotions exist to give us information, warn and protect us.

Disgust is what tells us not to eat rotten food, for example.

Maybe disgust is there to protect and warn you, to help you steer clear of horrible men like this one? So it the disgust) is a friend not a foe.

Yes definitely u are very right about that. And i am grateful that my body and mind is able to tell me “this wasnt right and its a danger”. But i just dont want it to ‘plague’ me if that makes sense. He absolutely cannot defeat me in that way

Not in the same vein as you describe, but I shake my head at myself at what I once put up with, at least for a time, with some exes. I know my self-worth has never been at an optimum, but I always considered myself an intelligent and strong woman.

Try to forgive yourself for being a human being who sometimes makes mistakes. The good thing is that you did eventually cut him loose, and that you likely would make a far faster exit if you ever encounter a guy with toxicity.

To feel some empowerment and control, write down your must-haves and dealbreakers in moving forward. It used to take me about 4 months to stop thinking of an ex daily, so maybe that'll be the same timeline for you. It is possible to redirect your brain, so try thinking of better stuff when you find yourself mulling about him. Take care.

Have you reported this to the police? I think as a victim of sexual assaults you need some specialist counselling. You are a victim. You are a survivor. You didn’t deserve this - be kind to yourself.

I have to be quite careful with the wording of this, i dont want people to think that i just cant be bothered to report it or that im just exaggerating what has happened.

but considering the circumstances of it, i consented to the initial act of sex (what i thought it was going to be) but i didnt consent to the ‘rape fantasy’ (cnc) he was inflicting on me without my knowledge. Not to mention the constant slapping and other degrading things he made me do. It would be a my word against him scenario and without evidence i think it would be hard to achieve real justice for what has happened. As i mentioned before, im going to be embarking on a really exciting and adventurous chapter of my life. Ill be in a new environment, new support system, new people and i think that will help a lot with the situation im in.

i think right now for me the one thing im prioritising is my own mind and making peace with it and just moving on with my life.

if the time comes where i feel comfortable and at peace to make a formal report on it, im sure i will. But for now i just want to focus on forgetting and putting myself first

Thankyou for this. Its a very complicated process. Half of me doesnt blame me and is so so so angry at him. Other half is like “why couldnt you just say stop and get up?”. Because before that relationship i had really strong views on what i wanted and how id like to be treated so its really shocking and disturbing to me that i was under some sort of “hypnosis” almost and i just stayed.

i think its because at the beginning i registered him as a safe person, someone i can trust and someone i thought couldnt and didnt want to harm me in anyway. And i think thats why i never really stood up for myself.

and its also probably why im having such a all at once response to this mentally where im realising it wasnt okay and i shouldnt have gone through that.

ill definitely try what youve mentioned with writing down the deal breakers and the things i wanted going forward. I also think writing down the specific memories i get from the relationship. If i can catch a pattern of whats bothering me the most, itll make getting help and recovering a lot swifter for me