Is there hope for my marriage?

[HopingForHelp2]

I have went back and forth daily for almost 2 years now on my decision to stay in or end my marriage.
My husband developed an emotional relationship with a female work colleague which spanned over a year and half of one-to-one lunches, taxis (after work nights out), and walks outside of work, thousands of text messages and an inappropriate comment on her body.
He was cold and distant towards me for a long time then I eventually brought things up to him. He said it was just a friendship. I eventually asked to see the texts which he was furious about and that’s where it all started.
Months of counselling later and he finally agreed that the words / behaviours from him were inappropriate.
In that time we unexpectedly fell pregnant. He was unhappy from the beginning and pushed me away, made me feel unwanted, made me feel badly about my body and myself, and has created a trauma in me around pregnancy, my body, and my worth. He also told me whilst I was pregnant that he had fallen out of love with me - he said it wasn’t just during pregnancy, that he’d felt that way before.
Fast forward to when baby was born and he has slowly became more and more like the husband I previously knew and needed. He’s thoughtful, affectionate, takes things on board - albeit sometimes after initial defensiveness, and ultimately I can see that he cares and loves me, and wants this marriage.
But my big things are:

1. I hold a lot of hurt and trauma around both (what I class as) the emotional affair, and essentially being neglected during pregnancy.
2. He’s still in contact with this female work colleague outwith a professional context. Texts are still daily and they travel to and from the office every week together (meet at train station, get same train, sit at desks next to each other, lunch (albeit it’s now never one-to-one with her as far as I’m told), and train home).

He’s been clear from the start of this that he is not willing to give up the friendship - that he won’t have it dictated to him who he can and cannot be friends with - and that I will not get access to his phone again. I understand that his resistance against ending the friendship is because he believes I could then turn round the next day and say ‘I don’t like so and so now, so you can’t be friends anymore’, however I think that is a very childish way to look at things. Of course that’s not my reasoning behind the ask. I’m not a controlling person. What the ask is, is to remove the one person that has been a part of the hurt and damage to our marriage, and the person who you have held more than a friendship with - even if you have drawn it back now to what would have originally been appropriate. I fear that if he does miraculously agree to only have a professional relationship with this woman that what will be left is resentment towards me, rather than true understanding that it is the right thing for our marriage. And I guess, that he actually wants to do it because he knows it means saving our marriage.

Thoughts??

I have done everything I possibly could to mend and keep my marriage (and my daughter’s family together) but I’m out of ideas. I don’t want to share my daughter - when I signed up for marriage and a child, I signed up to have her full time and the alternative is something I can’t seem to comprehend / accept.

I want my marriage to work - but realistically, is there hope? Would I be able to work through the hurt and trauma if I wasn’t so emotionally vulnerable just now?

He's having his cake and eating it. You need to leave. They are having a blatant emotional affair.

I don't see how you can have the marriage you want as he is still continuing in a relationship with this woman. There are three of you in the marriage and he is not prepared to give her up.

get rid of him he is untrustworthy and a horrible person, Poor you and your baby op...

He won’t give up this woman for the sake of his wife and kids and marriage - that’s more than an office friendship, it’s an emotional affair ongoing.

If he had feelings for her he shouldn’t have a couple of years ago and for as long as 18 months then I really doubt those just go away and are switched off now he’s trying to make it work with you.

He also seems to be gaslighting you - he says it’s all in your head now and your fault you can’t trust him with this woman and you’re controlling his friendships and policing his social life without acknowledging that he broke the trust in the first place and had the original affair.

Honestly, if you’ve been in two minds for two years, it’s time to leave. I was terrified of becoming a single mother and having to coparent and share my children when my ex left us but it’s honestly been fine and mine were very little when he left (days old in the case of my youngest)

This sounds familar, have you posted about this before?

Sadly he's making it very clear that he has no respect for you or your marriage. If he did, he would have cut all contact with her. I'm sorry.

You deserve more

He won't give her up. He's told you. He has prioritised her. It's up to you whether you continue the relationship now. I've been through something similar myself so I hope this doesn't sound brutal but I personally could not continue being in a situation like this. He is horrible to you and you will end up worn into the ground being second best.

You’re not his priority. Separate as it’s not a marriage.

@HopingForHelp2 there is no relationship worth staying for. You don’t trust him (totally justified) and he has hurt, degraded, and massively betrayed you. He’s not sorry, he’s not doing all he can to rectify the situation, instead he’s dictating what you should accept and making the insecurities he created your fault. He doesn’t respect you and clearly doesn’t have enough love for you to even consider staying with him.

His treatment of you has been abhorrent and why you’ve stayed this long is something you need to address with a therapist. He’s clearly eroded your sense of self worth so much that you can’t see how toxic this situation is. Don’t stay and let your daughter grow up thinking this is a normal way for a partner to treat the person they’re supposed to love.

It’s time to move on, deep down you know that but I understand that’s scary.

You won’t have to share your baby in the early days. 50/50 or even overnight access is usually only recommended for children over 2. A baby needs their primary caretaker as much as possible so don’t let that be the reason you keep this thoughtless reckless man in your life.

He should be bending over backwards to reassure you of his intentions. Saying you can’t see his phone and that he’ll continue spending one on one time and contacting this woman outside of/on the way to work is massively disrespectful and shows he’s not sorry and doesn’t give a shit what this situation has done to you.

Plenty of us manage fine as single mums. Once you get over the sadness of your child staying away the first couple of times you may actually come to appreciate the time they’re with their dad. As a mum of 3 who had them 6 days a week, that one evening I had to myself was actually bliss! But short term, you can’t continue like this, it will destroy your mental health and self esteem. Please even if it’s only for a break, ask him to leave while you figure out what you need to build a happy life for yourself. It sure doesn’t sound like it’s him.

Sorry op but he’s not even trying to win you back over.
My husband had a sort of emotional affair with a work colleague, once I found out and made him move out he did all of the things I needed him to do. He cut contact and applied and eventually got a new job, showing me who was more important to him. Even with this it took me a long long time to trust him again.
Your husband isn’t doing anything to fix how he has hurt you, because he enjoys both of you, it’s making him feel great.
I know you already know this but he’s a real piece of work for making you hate yourself while pregnant, so sorry op but you deserve better.

Why do you write about the emotional affair in the past tense when it is very much continuing?

In the words of Diana, there are 3 people in your marriage.

His heart is not in it. You could make it work if you're willing to accept that:

• He's practically there, but his heart is elsewhere
• He doesn't seem to have a whole lot of respect for you
• He doesn't feel bad for what he's done and is doing, so isn't taking any accountability for crossing boundaries and hurting you
• He could up and leave you at any point - because, as mentioned, his heart isn't it in, and he's already shown you that he'll distance himself, be cold, lie and deceive you if needs be
• He prioritises this other woman over you
• Instead of feeling bad and allowing you to set boundaries in order to rebuild trust, he's the one angry with you, telling YOU that he won't be "dictated"

Is this all okay with you?

You say you can see that he wants this marriage.

His actions say otherwise. If he wanted this marriage, he would immediately have been willing to cut contact with this woman and remain out of contact.

I also think the refusal to give you access to his phone is not okay. I don't think you have the right to ask for it, or to expect that he shares it, but if he were wanting to be open and transparent with you, he would be volunteering it.

So sorry OP but he is just feeding you crumbs. You deserve so much more. He has checked out and is going through the motions in your relationship. He is still emotionally and probably sexually active with the other woman. Get your ducks in a row and leave him. Life can be so much better than this x

He’s got a family and a part time girlfriend for fun. It will eat you ip, leave him And make sure he has 50:50 so you angry time to live your life. Don’t be surprised when they make their relationship official once you’ve split up!

How do you know that it hasn't gone further? His reluctance to cut her off would have me running for the hills

God he's carrying on in full sight isn't he ... I wouldn't be surprised if it was a full on affair, not just an emotional one.

You can't live like this OP, he sounds horrible.

His behaviour is awful and you need to leave him. He is not prioritising you or your relationship by openly 'not being dictated to' about his blatant emotional (at best) affair. This is not a marriage, this is the badge without the experience.

He’s been clear from the start of this that he is not willing to give up the friendship - that he won’t have it dictated to him who he can and cannot be friends with - and that I will not get access to his phone again.

So he won't stop seeing the affair partner, but he also refuses to be be completely transparent and open about their ongoing communication? He won't offer you any manner of reassurance, you're just supposed to trust him on this matter that he's proven to be incredibly untrustworthy about? Why on earth does he think you'll accept that? (Blunt answer: he doesn't have even basic respect for you.)

I understand that his resistance against ending the friendship is because he believes I could then turn round the next day and say ‘I don’t like so and so now, so you can’t be friends anymore’, however I think that is a very childish way to look at things.

He doesn't believe that at all. You've never tried to prevent any of his appropriate friendships, right, just this inappropriate one? But he can't very well say, "I care about continuing my friendship with this particular woman more than I care about protecting my marriage and helping my wife to heal from my behaviour, even though I promised to forsake all others" can he? So he lies (again).

He doesn't seem to care about you or your marriage in the same way that you do. Cheaters are motivated by loss. If you want to rebuild your marriage (and crucially, to force him back into having some respect for you) then you need to ask him to leave. If he realises you're serious he may (still) choose her, or he may choose you. You might then realise you don't want him, though - spouses often end marriages a couple of years after the other partner cheats.

If you let things limp on like this your marriage will never recover. Do you think he'd want much contact with your daughter if you divorced? He doesn't sound like much of a family man.

He needs a massive wake up call. You need to demand some respect, you don't deserve to be treated like a comfy pair of slippers that'll never walk off while he's out having fun with someone else. Have you told anyone in real life about this? You need some support and a boost to your self confidence. Would you consider having individual counselling?

He has explicitly told you that he will not give up the “friendship”. He knows he has hurt you and disrespected you and he has told you that your feelings are less important to him than this other woman. That’s not what sorry looks like. That’s also not what love and respect look like.
It simply doesn’t matter that you have tried everything to fix your marriage because you didn’t break it and you cannot do this on your own. He is a coward who wants the marriage to end but wants to be able to say that you were the one to end it. And so he will continue to behave like this.

I had a very similar situation when I was pregnant, but it was someone he went to the gym with.

I spoke to both and them and they both maintained that nothing had happened physically and they were just friends.

He also told me that he wouldn’t stop talking to her as there was nothing going on.

Fast forward to 4 months post partum and it turned out that they had been seeing each other the entire time. He would get out of bed at 5am to go to hers before work and he would leave me every day at witching hour to go the ‘gym’ when really he was with her.

I’m not saying your situation is exactly the same, but I would be very cautious. If he wanted to be with you he would be doing everything he possibly could to save the marriage, just like you have been doing. If hes not willing to do that then I think you need to ask yourself if that is the kind of relationship that you want for yourself.

I really feel for you, but you need to put yourself first. This isn’t your problem to fix. It’s his.

Well he's told you where he stands so it looks like you have 2 choices - stay and put up with his behaviour, or leave. Personally, I would be leaving. But at the end of the day, only you can decide what you're prepared to put up with.

I think it’s clear that you want to keep your marriage.

the best thing for you to do is to focus on yourself. Don’t think about him and the OW. There will always be other women for guys like this.

You will have to manage your own hurt. He will not care. But it will be your own choice too, that you choose to keep your marriage. So you will have to be responsible for your choice.

tbh, it’s really hard to say. I thought I couldn’t live with the affairs or him thinking about the AP without telling me. But now we are facing divorce, I still love him, despite everything happened, I don’t want to divorce. Did I make the wise choice? I don’t know.

I miss our family dearly and often think what if I never knew?!!

Please don’t tolerate this absolute bs! Get shut of the cheating bastard & work on loving yourself again!