Why has seeing an old friend left me feeling so unsettled?

[Bufftailed]

Saw a friend after a 20 year gap and the whole thing was weirdly unnerving. 1 other was there but they were fine. Said ‘friend’ spent whole time on about ‘bad’ stuff I did as a teen, had I told my family about it & loads of statements about what I am like, my taste etc, eg asserting I am same. I challenged one thing, but waa a bit blindsided.

I had a tricky youth (family stuff) and was off the rails for a couple of years but totally turned it round and have done amazing stuff as adult. Said friend stayed in home town.

It’s weirdly shaken me up. We all agreed to meet again but really not keen.

Any thoughts…why would they do this.

Maybe jealous of how your life turned out. Block them or just say you think it's best you don't meet again as it didn't go well last time, if they ever try to meet up again.

Some people get stuck in the past.

You’ve moved on and this relationship doesn't appear to be giving you anything positive, can el the next meet up and quietly back away.

Jealous and determined to bring you down.
Do not agree to meet again.
You have nothing whatsoever in common.

Two things. (1) That’s how they remember you, which will obviously not be the same way you remember yourself and (2) they’re either too tactless not to keep saying so and/or have a reason to want to remind you of that time in your life.

I moved back to my home country in 2019 and re-encountered someone I knew in my late teens from doing drugs in a particular local club, who is now at a very high level in university admin. I made a small private joke (as in, no one else was there) about my memories of us both the last time I’d seen him (off our faces on the dance floor) , and he was so obviously uncomfortable with being remembered that way I stopped, changed the subject and never referred to it again. Your old friend either doesn’t have that tact, or is actively pursuing making you uneasy for some reason.

I doubt it was meant maliciously but perhaps that was a wonky way of her trying to share/remember the times you spent together and the crazy youthful things you got up to? We all change and grow but perhaps she was trying to find some shared experiences to reminisce over? I have a friend who found god and flat blank refuses to talk about anything we used to do, which is a real shame as we had some memorable moments that made us both laugh well into our 20's. I find it sad when adults get so po-faced they forget what they used to get up to, as we are all human. I get not wanting it broadcast to work or kids, but she wasn't doing that. Maybe you have unresolved tensions about how you behaved and it is being triggered by her clear acceptance of how you both behaved?

I think an old friend had this with me although she wasn't hostile or angry about it.

We started out on the same level. Few / no qualifications. Working class broken family. Council house home. Pretty bleak life outlook.

I worked my way up as an adult. Mature student. Post grad qualifications. Professional job. Worked all over the world. Own home. Only 1 child in comparison to her 5.

We met up again (coincidentally) when I was at the peak of my career whereas she was working as a housekeeper in a hotel and was starting to realise she couldn't maintain that work as she got older.

I loved seeing her again. I had no issue with us having different trajectories. She was the same lovely person she'd always been. But I think she felt differently and she ghosted me the year after. Never heard from her again and I've tried to get in touch with no answer.

Remembering having fun was much more the tone of the other friend which was nice and funny

The one I am talking about was pointing out things I had done, not shared experiences. And repeatedly saying ‘but you are like z’ rather than, are you still like that..out of curiosity. It was off

Ime teens who are experiencing tricky times and could be described as off the rails are often focused on their own issues and aren’t always aware how they come across to others.

i taught for twenty years and many teens who have relatively stable upbringings with no problems are very aware of those who are off the rails and will go to a lot of effort to not get involved - not least because their parents encourage them to work hard and keep their head down,

I’m glad that you turned it around and I’m sorry you had a tricky time. Unfortunately others won’t have seen what was behind the behaviour and may well consider that rather than a response to problems it was a more fundamental part of your personality.

It might not be malicious.

They're just remembering how you were as a teen. Obviously you've grown and matured and the years have passed and you've acomplisged new things. But they've not seen any of that.

All their memories of you are centered around your teenage years and they're probably reminiscing and laughing about 'the good old days' and the daft shit you both used to get up to.

Without context they might not know that its quite jarring for you to think back to that time, what they probably look back on as normal teenage shenanigans might be difficult for you to think about.

I think people who like to point out others failings are hiding something and projecting outwards instead. If you see her again just give her a withering look and point out that you have changed and it is a shame she clearly has not.

It does sound a bit as though you are seeing "what you had done" through adult eyes and judging yourself. Maybe if you were more comfortable with how that was your past, you've moved on etc you would have been able to brush it off?

I was also from a troubled home and seemed to attract people in similar situations for a few years. We all know we were just dealing with all the crap at home and venting and acting out. People on the periphery saw wild crass teens who were on a downhill trajectory without ever questioning why, so I am glad for the experience because it has made me much more understanding, as Octavia says, of kids who seem to be wild.

I didn't see any failings being pointed out in OP's post - more she clearly did a couple of wild things this person has remembered and bought up. It is down to the OP that she has seen this as an attack because she personally isn't happy with her past behaviour. A bit of reflection and "oh god I was such a dick" goes a long way sometimes.

My 'wild behaviour ' as a teen was a reaction to my unhappy home life. I'm not ashamed of it, but anyone who insists on revisiting someone else's painful memories for their own entertainment is probably not worth hanging out with.

Shes quite liking reminding you of your past. Is there any reason you can think that she is wanting to be like that?

@Bufftailed some people are completely stuck in the past

It’s really strange when you meet people in their 40s and 50s and they can only remember what you did when you were teenagers but I have seen it.

That’s not an excuse. I just wonder if she’s completely in that mode of Arrested Development and just assume that you are as well. - that got auto capitalised because the system is assuming I mean the TV show or the band lol

So compared to others I have seen where we might just have a brief laugh and move on, it feels like levelling for her, alongside lots of comments about what I am like, despite not having seen me for two decades. I just found it a bit odd to stay v fixed in past. She commented on my voice at one point and said a lot about how cities were too much for her.

I think reminiscing about the past is fine when seeing an old friend but them insisting you're the same person when they know nothing about you and you have completely changed your life around I'd be pissed off to as thats a massive achievement and takes a lot of work and she's completely minimising it.