Separated husband has changed, but I have met someone new

[Gertyverty]

Late last year, I separated from my husband of 5 years (no children together). We had a good marriage in most areas, but constant arguments over poor communication, in the main this was his passive-aggressiveness, defensiveness and lack of motivation which wore me down. He also stopped taking care of himself, which stifled my attraction. I finally snapped and said he needed to get help, then when he didn’t, I left.

Since then, he has genuinely worked on himself and got help. He communicates better, takes care of his health, and shows more self-awareness (though he still slips into old passive-aggressive habits occasionally). Because he is improving, my anger has faded. I also recognise my own role in choosing him and ignoring these traits initially. He is clear that he wants to reconcile, and I know he still loves me.

However, during our separation, I met someone new by chance. This new relationship seems to be the opposite: he is emotionally mature, self-aware, and a good communicator. Initially this was a mutual attraction as we got on like an house on fire. He says he was happily single and I had no intention of getting into another relationship this quickly. We both developed feelings because we seem compatible in terms of energy and outlook on life. It feels calm and refreshing, no rollercoaster of emotions and his actions match his words. But it is very early, and we haven't faced many real life hardships yet.

I am fine being alone (I was chronically single by choice before meeting my husband), so I'm not staying with anyone out of fear of loneliness.

My H’s growth is forcing a tough choice. Is there too much water under the bridge to go back, or is this new relationship giving me hope for a different future? Starting again with someone new is always a risk and a leap of faith.

Ultimately, I don't know whether to close the door on our shared history, or return to the marriage we already spent years investing in?

Has anyone navigated a similar crossroads?

To be perfectly frank, I wouldn't go back. It didn't work the first time. I'd be pleased he's working on himself, but too little too late. I'm not saying the new man will be the be all and end all, but I think reconciliation with the ex is a step backwards.

Maybe you weren’t the right partner for your ex husband. He wasn’t able to change when he was with you but once you were separated he found the motivation and drive to change. I wouldn’t go back.

I wouldnt go back. People don't really change unless they have had years of therapy.

Never go back.

He’s already slipping back into his old ways, and you’re fine without him. whether or not it works with the new guy, I wouldn’t go back.

It’s good you helped him find the motivation to change but if he comes back, he will likely slip back into old ways. Let him start a new relationship based on the new him and you enjoy this lovely sounding man or just being single again.

Never go back. You've seen up close what he's like in a relationship with you and it wasn't very good. Leave it in the past.

Why are you still in your ex’s orbit enough to see how much he has changed? It doesn’t sound like a clean split which is unfair on the new man youve met.

That said, while you seem intrigued by your ex’s new lifestyle and personality, it’s very unlikely to be permanent and therefore I wouldn’t go back to him!

Don’t go back.

But, not because of the new guy. He’s not relevant. Be very careful with the new guy. Give it a good long time before committing or organising around him.

You never go back

You’re better off without each other and should both keep moving on.

NEVER GO BACK

I agree with above.
Don't go back.
He hasn't changed really, he has temporarily covered the cracks.
Real change is very difficult.
I think you need to move forward not backwards.

DON’T GO BACK. move forward

Going back is usually a mistake - not necessarily always - but, unless I’m reading it wrong, your post doesn’t particularly suggest that you want to go back but rather that you feel you owe it to your husband to try because he’s made the changes you wanted to see. You don’t owe it to your husband to try again. You have no shared children and it sounds like the marriage went wrong pretty quickly really.

The problem is this new guy. He may be influencing your decision but as you say you don’t know what will happen with him. But then I’m sure you didn’t think you would be separated from your husband after 5 years so there is no certainty here down any path.

If you take the new guy out of the equation, how do you feel about trying again with your husband? If you would be comfortable in a situation where you end up with neither guy, and it sounds like you would, there’s your answer.

You've been intimate with the new guy? Does your husband know? I doubt he'll want you back if he does.
You can't go back.

@MotherofGoddess to answer questions, we still have not divorced and we have financial ties that we have to sort out so we still have some contact. He usually uses this contact to try to reconnect with me.

It sounds odd, but my new partner is aware to some extent and understands and is supportive. I try not to talk to him about details as it’s unfair, he knows the situation and he’s aware my H wants me back and that I might feel conflicted at times, and says this is normal to feel this way sometimes, and he trusts me to make my own decisions. He left a much longer relationship some years ago that had a long shared history and he found that difficult although he knew it was the right thing to do. DP doesn’t seem to feel threatened as he is a secure person, and he doesn’t try to influence me. I do assume this might be spurring him on to show up as the best version of himself, as it seems to pull us closer.

@Dery I have thought about this, and I suspect I would go back and try again out of obligation, because it does feel pressure that he feels I owe it to him. I don’t think my heart would be in it though and I would prefer to be single. That helps put it into perspective to be honest. Thank you

Don't go back.

But it does make me think marriage vows need changing. I say this as a divorced woman - because many of us don't actually ascribe to "as long as we both shall live" - we tend to mean, "as long as we're happier together than apart" - which is fine. I think it would actually take some of the stress and angst out of divorce. And be more honest.

For me, that's the question that needs answering. And from the sounds of it for you it's the latter. So, onwards! Be happy.

Don't mistake shared history for a future. When you were together you tried to get him to help himself and he wouldn't. A constant cycle of decline in behaviour and break up doesn't help anybody.

You can’t know whether your ex has truly changed: most likely he will continue, after a time, to behave as he did before.

You don’t know your new boyfriend well enough yet to tell, but you think the signs are good.

If you've slept with the new guy I don't think your husband will be so eager to reconcile.

I would say your marriage would slip back in to its old ways if you were to go back.