How can I not lose my shit with husband - snoring, weight and spending?

[OldMaidenTypeofShoes]

My husband is generally a brilliant partner and dad to our young kids - never misses a bedtime, we spend loads of quality time together as a family, helpful and handy around the house - I'm very lucky.

However I'm dealing with simmering anger towards him over a few issues.
I'm looking for advice on how to raise these without screaming at him as I'm fully aware I bottle things up for months then explode...

First is his weight and health - he's slowly put on weight during our relationship and was at his heaviest after our second was born - probably because I was eating alot whilst pregnant and he joined me - however I made a huge effort to get back to a healthy pre baby weight and he's still classed as obese. It's got to the point where we can't share a bedroom as his weight makes him snore so loudly that I can't sleep so we've been in separate rooms for a year. This obviously affects intimacy.

I'm also dreading going on holiday as I know I won't be able to sleep in the same room as him and will spend the week exhausted. He won't try anything to stop the snoring.

I've tried discussing it with him along the lines of his improving his health for the sake of the kids and he will make changes for a while but then lose 4lbs and treat himself to a maccies and that's the end of that. He does exercise regularly but eats far too much and calls other people fat who are definitely not as big as him.

I love him no matter what size he is but can't deny I would fancy him alot more if he was slimmer and less greedy.

Second huge issue is money - I'm a high earner on a regular salary and he set up a business a couple of years ago which is successful but it involves reinvesting money into new projects so he hasn't paid himself a proper wage for 18 months while it gets going. It will be very lucrative cash wise in 6 months but tight in the meantime. I was happy to pay more than him towards household bills to support the family but probably didn't realise I'd be doing it quite so long as i have been.

I've covered the majority of the household expenses (mortgage, bills, food, kids clothes and activities and 2 summer holidays) using my salary, bonuses and a small inheritance. I also made sure I could cover my own maternity leaves too but I'm left with very little at the end of all this.

I chose a small gift for a big birthday from him on the basis that we just didn't have the money to spare and paid for my own party. I rarely buy new clothes, get the kids clothes from vinted and a big part of me getting back to pre baby size was that I couldnt afford to buy all new clothes that fit.

However, his business is going well and he is becoming well known in our local area. He quite frankly swans around thinking he owns the place (lol) - he's been on 2 holidays with friends in the past year, buys new clothes and trainers without telling me and doesn't seem to be careful with money.

From the outside it probably looks like we're a wealthy family and he's a great provider but it feels like it's me paying for everything.

How do I bring all this up calmly?

What I really want to do is scream at him to get his shit together, stop being a greedy pig, look into ways to stop snoring for the sake of our marriage and stop acting like Billy Big Balls when your wife is paying for everything... but I imagine there's a more sensitive way?!

Why does it need to be sensitive? He isnt stupid. He knows what he is doing.

kindly @OldMaidenTypeofShoes, i would be anything but sensitive if i was married to a real life homer simpson, i would have packed his bags long ago and frankly, what you feel like screaming at him is glowing praise. i’m nauseous and at my wits end on your behalf, however if i was you, i would be looking in the mirror asking myself what the actual fuck has went so wrong with my sense of self that i’m in a marriage with him, let alone thinking about intimacy and repairing the relationship.
i really hope you don’t waste any more of your life attached to this lipoma man and demonstrate self respect to your kids in the process, i can almost guarantee you will be filled with bitter regrets in your old age if you don’t. best wishes

You most certainly are not very lucky and he is not a brilliant partner or Dad. He is living the high life, doing exactly what he wants, no responsibilities while you are making all the sacrifices, paying the majority of the bills. While you are scrimping, not buying yourself new clothes, clothing your children via Vinted he is splashing out on brand new clothes and living a life which suits him, at your expense.
He is selfish and disrespectful and is not the caring husband or Dad you think he is. Do a list of your income v expenditure with who pays what clearly displayed. Make it clear it is no longer acceptable that he has a comfortable lifestyle while you and your children carry the burden. This will not improve as finances get better unless he is challenged. He will only become more selfish and entitled. You need to deal with this now before it escalates.
The last thing you need to be, is sensitive. You have spent long enough supporting him, no doubt encouraging him and massaging his ego. Time for truth and some cold hard facts.
His comments on peoples weight are not a nice trait. He lacks self awareness and is cocky and arrogant.

You need to acknowledge his behaviour towards you and your family is not that of a caring, loving partner. He is selfish and puts him, his needs, his wants and his ego first every single time. Billy Big Balls needs a short sharp lesson and reality check.

So he’s started bringing in money again but isn’t contributing to bills or the kids and is just spending money on himself?

I agree with the other PPs, nothing to be sensitive about. You tell him that you are fed up of carrying the financial load whilst he just treats himself to holidays and new clothes. Tell him that you are losing respect for him, that he needs to start putting back into the joint account (or taking back the direct debits etc, however you paid your bills previously).

Tell him he needs to sort the snoring. It’s another thing that is incredibly selfish if he won’t make attempts to improve it. If he continues not to address it, wake him up every single time it gets too much.

The weight gain I would leave alone at the moment. Tbh, I would have stopped finding him attractive based on the freeloading and the snoring anyway.

Stop tip toeing around him.

If he's making enough money to go on two holidays with his friends and buy himself clothes and trainers, he's making enough to contribute more to the household bills.

I'd say to him that you need to have a "meeting" to discuss your household finances. Be positive and complimentary about his successful business - obviously it's great that he's doing well but point out that this also means that he can start contributing to the household expenses. You've been supportive so far but now's the time (or very soon) to adjust.

Ask him to see his doctor about the snoring though as it could be a sign of sleep apnea, which carries health risks. If it is sleep apnea, the doctor will encourage him to lose weight and that may motivate him to get healthier and he may need a CPAP machine to help his breathing while he's sleeping.

At least you are not sharing a bed with him. He sounds like a taker.

He needs to lose weight with mounjaro. The mounjaro will immediately help his snoring .

he also needs to stop being a twat. It’s very worrying that he thinks it’s ok to spend on himself - the blokes holidays are ridiculous. Stern words….

I would be seriously unimpressed with him buying himself new clothes and going away on holiday with friends while you are not doing either of those in favour of paying for the basics. Have you told him in no uncertain terms how unfair that is? Did he ignore you and do it anyway? You need a really serious chat about this OP.

The weight thing is tricky - would he be able to afford mounjaro? It's great that you've been able to do it with willpower alone but maybe he needs a bit more help. Hopefully this would sort out the snoring problem too.

if he can afford to jet set around without his wife and kids and buy (presumably) expensive clothes and shoes, he can certainly afford wli.

The biggest issue here is the money. You need to sit down and have a serious look at your finances and if he can afford all that he can afford to contribute to the house.

Billy Big Balls what a knut obnoxious and insensitive tool. Cant believe you dont buy any new clothes for your kids and self! Blimey tell him hes a fat slob and let your anger out. Get him a treadmill at home and make him do daily walking

Having been in your DH's place with the eatting and spending, is he by any way depressed? I have used both those methods to comfort myself rather than deal with my depression, which I am now. DH exploded at me whilst I was trying to get help (which he knew) which set me a lot back. I still havent got out of teh black hole and his explosion just made it worse, so if there is any chance he is depressed, please talk to him kindly and listen.

I think you said it yourself - you bottle things up for months (except it sounds like it's been years) and then explode. I'm similar but don't even get to the exploding bit). There are some things though that people need to be aware of and manage themselves like his weight and snoring which is threatening to turn you right off him.
In terms of waiting for his business to turn lucrative, six months is not long in the scheme of things - it passes in the blink of an eye really. But once it's earning money, if he is still not aware of all your frustrations, he's unlikely to fix it - all you can do if you want to stay together is speak about what's bothering you and set out what you need from him. If he reacts badly/defensively to it, you will end up exploding but definitely try the honest chat first. How do you feel the business is going? .... etc. He's probably been completely oblivious to the range of stuff you've been shelling out for and oblivious to your frustration about it.