Future MIL: how to be useful at wedding dress shopping and not put my foot in it

[Limehawkmoth]

I’ve been invited to join future DIL and her mum for a day of wedding dress shopping.

I’ve known her for 10 years, relationship is fine, but because she and my DS don’t live near I don’t know her really well. Never been shopping with her for anything, but do tell her when she is looking nice or has a particualrly nice outfit on. Never met mum before !

I’ve always been overweight (size 22 currently) and not confident dressed shopping. Didn’t even wedding dress shop for myself or have a proper wedding gown 40 years ago. I have not the faintest idea of how this day will go. I’ve never clothes shopped with anyone, not even my mum when I was a lot younger. I dress conservatively, no real style, and have always bought based on plus size availability

I have no idea what to expect! No real idea why I’m invited , though very touched to have been asked.

She’s sent me links to shops were going to but has also said what her budget is. Gowns in these shops are £1000s more. I’m really concnered she is going to find something she loves and blast her budget !

she and DS live in rented, still trying to save for house. Both graduates and in good jobs. I’m gifting them max I can re HMRC limits on gifting (£8k) to go towards house deposit and/or wedding . I can’t afford to contribute anything more to wedding gown for her if she is short. I don’t believe for an instance that’s why I’m invited, but I’ll feel internalised pressure to help make up budget if she falls in love with a dress beyond her budget!

given I’ve not met mum before either, I have no idea how this is going to go…I’m not sure whether she wants me to be honest or I nod away and agree with everything she and her mum say! Should I offer to pay for our lunch or dinner (we,re having both together) ..or even offer to buy her an accessory as a gift on the day? What’s the protocol here?

any advice for what I should do, not do, to ensure that this day goes well for her? And I don’t end up putting my foot in it!

My advice: be friendly and interested but keep your own counsel and just tell her she looks beautiful.

The fact you're considering it so carefully suggests you'll be just brilliant.

Be supportive and upbeat and let her take the lead and maybe offer an opinion only if asked?

Have a great time 😘😘😘

For a start, are you always this anxious? You seem to think you’re not really wanted, and should be ‘buying’ acceptance by buying lunch or contributing to the wedding dress budget. Calm down about it all, assume you’re invited because you future DIL wants you there, enjoy meeting your future DIL’s mother, and watching someone else try on special clothes.

This is sounding like a bit of a poisoned chalice. One option is you could say I would love for this all to be a surprise when I see you on the day, and I have every confidence you will look beautiful no matter what, so why don’t I treat you both to lunch but I’ll leave the dress choosing to you and your mother

Too late. I said yes and am travelling 200 miles for it! It was a while ago, and now with it being imminent and thinking about it, im realising I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing…

and yes, to other poster, I have full on post menopausal anxiety …completely daft and stupid levels of it! 🤦🏼‍♀️😳🤣

OK, but flip it. You live hundreds of miles away. It wouldn’t have been a snub not to invite you. Therefore your future DIL genuinely wants you there. You don’t have to do anything other than be there and be basically pleasant and upbeat. Offering to buy lunch would be nice, but unless you’re planning to sit there with a face like thunder complaining about your lumbago and saying alternately ‘I’m bored’ and ‘Your bottom looks enormous in that, Chloe’, I don’t think you need to think in terms of ‘avoiding putting your foot in it’. Enjoy it!

I would be prepared that there may be mother of the bride / groom outfits in some of these shops too, based on what you have said about yourself -
' I dress conservatively, no real style, and have always bought based on plus size availability '

200 miles is a long way to go, are you doing it all in a day or are you staying over somewhere. how are you travelling ? are you driving or taking a train.

Don’t comment on her weight at all
Positive feedback on the dresses you like
But be careful with comments on ones you don’t like “It’s beautiful but I preferred the other style” rather than “this one doesn’t suit you”, best to say nothing apart from “you look beautiful” though unless directly asked!
Don’t criticise her choice once she has made a final decision
You don’t need to offer money, I’m sure she doesn’t expect that

I imagine that your future dil saw this as a great opportunity for the two Mums to meet before the wedding, which it is! I don’t think there will be anything behind it other than this, and wanting to involve you in the preparations. Enjoy it for what it is, op, and have a lovely time. I’m sure you’ll be diplomatic/complimentary where appropriate - just go with the flow! You could offer to pay for one of the meals, but don’t overthink it, you’re definitely wanted there, or you wouldn’t have been asked!

You sound lovely. Ask her questions! What style are you thinking? What shapes do you like? Etc Be excited and happy for her and say thanks for including me. It’ll be lovely! There’s lots of sitting about while bride gets squashed into each dress so you can chat to her mum a bit!

I did the same, dil to be invited me so i travelled 300 miles to join her and her mum who i had met briefly before. It was a lovely day, i too was nervous but seeing dil try on some beautiful gowns broke the ice. I oohed and ahhed at appropriate moments, agreed some were just not right but we all cried when she found the one. The veil she fell in love with was more than she anticipated so i offered to pay half which was gratefully accepted, her mum bought the dress. We also had appointments to try mob and groom dresses but both were shocked at the prices so we treated it as fun dressing up and vowed to go elsewhere nearer the time for something a bit less spendy.
it will be a lovely experience, dil to be obviously likes you and wants you included so try to relax and enjoy the girly moments…. Take tissues 🥹

DDs future MIls came with us, and it was fine your Dd will try on dresses you will say oh thats lovely or I prefer the other 1 that suited you better, etc. She wants to include you in the experience she wants you to meet her mum. You will have a beautiful day.

OP, I used to work in Bridal - What to expect, A private room with sofas, big mirrors etc, perhaps a glass of bubbly.

Tips, Don't be negative, even if you don't like it, say nothing, just smile and nod.
Don't be pushy if you love one gown but the bride does not.

Take advice from the consultant, she will know her stock really well and have a good idea of what will suit the body shape and personality (this is important, if the bride feels pushed to buy a dress too far out of her comfort zone she won't enjoy her wedding day)

Always remember that whatever the bride chooses, SHE will be the one wearing it, not her mum, you, or her bridesmaids, I have spent some awful consultations where I have had to step in because the entourage, for so many reasons, have basically bullied the poor bride.

Sit back, enjoy your fizz and feel honoured she invited you. Have a lovely day.

How lovely to be asked! Just enjoy the day.

I meant to say perhaps her mum/parents will contribute to her dress, don't worry about the budget and definitely don't mention it.

Sorry i keep getting distracted, offer to pay for lunch if you like, I don't think you need to buy her anything, just relax.

@Limehawkmoth If you have never watched it try and watch Say Yes to the Dress. Some episodes are on YouTube.

These days Wedding dress shopping should be lovely so enjoy it. All you have to do is smile, ohh and aah, say she looks beautiful etc. Have a lovely time.

I’m staying with a relative night before and night of the day. Train.
I’m certainly not planning on looking at any dresses for myself- easiest way to get depressed 🥴. I will buy on line - I am trying to loose some weight before then and am making some progress, I’ll leave worrying about my clothes till nearer the time !

Good tip- tissues…glad you had a lovely day and like me a bit nervous meeting mum of bride….im introverted so doesn’t help!

I’ve heard of that…never watched…Will do some homework then 🤣