Seeing someone who admitted affairs during a long marriage, should I leave?

[messyhairdontcare25]

A guy I’ve been seeing has admitted he had a few one night stands when he worked away a lot during his 30 year marriage. I need to run right?

Yes, afraid so, unless you’re ok with wondering what he’s doing everytime he’s working late, or out with his friends, or visiting family for the rest of your lives together.

Leopard doesn’t change its spots

Yes, dump.

Well, considering he'll have given you the toned-down version, the answer is yes unless you really, genuinely, don't require absolute fidelity.

You're asking the question so you do care. It's a big disappointment for you, but thank goodness for 'telling you who they are'! And well done for hearing it.

It depends upon the circumstances. I had two short affairs during my 29-year marriage to the father of my children. It was a pretty empty relationship and we stayed together because we had young children and money was tight. Later, it was just due to being in a rut! I have been with my now husband for 18 years, married for 11. I would never cheat on him. He is the love of my life.

That said, I don’t like the sound of your boyfriend’s admission that it was one night stands when he was working away. I’d suggest considering the context though.

It's an interesting one.

My recent bf admitted to one affair in a 27 year marriage. I thought not ideal but people make mistakes.

I was much more shocked to find out that it lasted a year, every time he was out of the country for work, and that he stayed in touch with the affair partner after confessing to his wife ( the way he tells it this did not cause their divorce ). His wife didn't know they stayed in touch.

Multiple one night stands feels like an ongoing decision, in the same way as a year long affair.

It sounds like a lifestyle choice - working away, shags around, wife at home until she catches on and splits with him.

If you want monogamy, he doesn't sound a great choice.

He won’t change, it’s who he is so if you’re ok with this carry on but I couldn’t trust someone like that so it would be a big NO from me.

Hes telling you who he is. Believe him. Run

You’ll always wonder what he’s up to when he’s working away. Plus it’s just not a good look is it?

The other thing to consider, as others have mentioned, is - is this less a confession and more a setting of expectations?

So later he can say "you knew who I was" or similar BS?

Only you will know if his behaviours suggest one or the other.

He’s testing you to see what you tolerate. If you stay it’s the green light for him to do this to you. It’s up to you whether this is the life you want but he couldn’t be clearer.

up to you. As long as you are ok with him doing the same to you, then stay. If it bothers you, then dump him. But rest assured he will cheat if you stay. They always do.

Good grief, raise your bar of expectations! Fidelity is the very least you should expect in a relationship. If he can't even manage that, he'll not bother with the rest of it. Dump him and work on your self-esteem. Better to be single than be with a cheater.

I agree with this.

There’s no other reason why he would tell you otherwise. What’s the benefit to him?

What advice would you give to a female friend who had an affair while married and was now looking to date someone?

Absolutely run. He is revolting.

Yeah and then he said the love etc died years ago and that she could have been doing the same …who knows? What the ?

But if she hadn't found out would he be telling you?

Yes

Could have but probably wasn't.

She was probably under the impression they had a monogamous relationship.

I wonder if he ever said "oh hey, I'm shagging around, you can too if you like".

yes he is not a trustworthy partner

Depends who he is with now … there is no such thing as ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ it depends on so many factors.. sorry MN massive ..

Good question

on Mumsnet the advice would be that what you did in the past doesn’t define you, any partner should accept it, and your husband probably deserved it anyway.

So what he’s telling you is that if he falls out of love with you, he won’t tell you that your marriage is in trouble or arrange for counselling. He’ll just cheat on you until something ends the marriage? What a charmer.

Maybe if he was ashamed of what he’d done, then you could work around it. But it all sounds very casual and dropped into the conversation. Does he even seem sorry or regretful?