Regretting our split after his support during my injury

[Em1988x]

Abit of brief backstory: together since 15/17 for 22 years, married 6, 1 ds 1 dd. Quite an up and down relationship, staying out drinking, gambling, etc etc drifted apart, I thought I fell out of love but in hindsight thinking right now I was too focused on a crush I had on someone at work. So yeah, not perfect either. We split but remained living together, I started seeing someone and he didn’t know, found out, all blew up and we tried to make a go of us again but within few weeks I decided no, we needed a trial separation. We never did get back together because I gave him a chance to turn up to a date night and he didn’t so I threw the towel in. 2 months apart and he met someone knew and he’s now been with her 13 months. Again up and down relationship by the sounds of it, lots of drinking between the two and fights. Occasionally I have gotten a call to get him from a night out and take him home or had him in tears saying he misses us and family. But that was about 5 months ago and nothing has been said since then. Fast forward to now, recently broke my leg, quite a traumatic experience as happened whilst I was on holiday with kids. He had to fly over and get them 2 days later and I followed home with nurse 3 days later. He’s been really going out his way to help and i appreciate it all so much and it has made me realise what such a great guy underneath it all. And maybe i should have tried harder to make it work. I have so many regrets and hurt of how I treated him but also how he treated me. But in the end, I was so cold and horrible and I hate that. I don’t know whether it’s because he’s been there in my hour of need, or whether the love I thought had gone is still there. I wish we both tried harder and it didn’t get us to this place now 😔 I’m sat here in tears just wanting him to come back and I know it’s wrong because he’s moved on and I would never tell him that because it’s not fair on him or put him in that position. I just feel so sad and wanted to vent and not sure what I’m really asking for here.

Sounds like in a way, what you have now with him being a bit supportive here and you both still caring a bit and doing the parenting together, is maybe better than what you used to have? If you got back with him all the drinking and rows and ups and downs would come back.

Sounds tough having a broken leg it's no wonder you want to be cared for. Hope it heals quickly and that you feel better.

Look - a relationship where you drink and argue isn’t healthy or positive. Right now you’re vulnerable, he’s taken care of you but is with someone else. Of course you want him back, that’s the way our brains work. But if you got back together it would be nice for a few months then you’d be back carping at each other.
You split up for a reason…

It sounds like you’ve been feeling very vulnerable and he has been a huge support which is great and as the mother of his children he should treat you this way too. I think just feel your feelings right now and see where you’re at in another few months or so before making any declarations and if the feelings are still there then you’ll know. Hope you’re better soon!

Yeah it sounds like a toxic relationship. The underlying love and care will still be there after that many years but I agree it sounds that it works better now

He had a wake up call realisation of what his life would look like if he had to look after the kids full time. He is showing appreciation because he is relived he doesn’t have to parent solo. He is only being this way to make sure you keep looking after the kids 24/7. Don’t be deceived, it’s all selfish reasons he is helping.

If he's repeating his past negative behaviors in his new relationship - drinking and rowing- he hasn't learnt much. It's great that he's stepped up in this emergency situation, but he's still not great partner material.

In your shoes, I'd continue coparenting amicably but not get romantically involved with him again. Wishing you a smooth recovery.

Thank you all. Yeah we do seem to get along better since being apart (now some time has passed) I guess I miss the ‘family’ life and now we were as a family, but yeah as a couple, not so good

You can still be a family, just a different type of family.

You will always be connected by your children and can now work to create a friendly, supportive co-parenting relationship which will probably be better for both of you rather than going back to a couples relationship.

I remember your username and had a quick look back at your past threads. I think you're really minimising how toxic your relationship was with him.

There was emotional and verbal abuse, there was violence, there was addiction, gambling, binge-drinking, drug-use, he cheated on you with prostitutes.

You tried to make it work for a lot longer than you should have, if anything.

So he can be decent sometimes. That doesn't outweigh the horrendous way he is capable of treating you.

It doesn't mean your split was the wrong thing.

It must be hard dealing with an injury and ill-health, and I hope you're on the mend - but this man does not make your life better as a partner.

Remember the pain he's put you through.

I take back what I said above—I had no idea of the extent of how toxic the relationship was. You’ve done the hard part of leaving him, don’t go back there especially when things seem to be more healthy as they are and with children involved.

You’d be letting your kids down hugely to get back with him considering the history of your relationship as outlined in previous threads. Positive coparenting is the best outcome you could hope for here. Don’t romanticise what was a fucking awful, toxic, abusive and high drama relationship. For your kids sake.

But he isn’t doing anything you wouldn’t if he broke his leg while on holiday with kids. Just because he came and got the kids doesn’t mean to was an amazing partner and you made a mistake, he did what was expected which was nice but doesn’t change anything

Thank you all ♥️ Yes, I seem to have a problem with minimising how bad things are sometimes. It was very toxic and should remind myself of that. Thank you for the kick up the ass!

You can end up with the best of both worlds if you have a decent coparenting relationship with him and go on to meet a lovely new partner who treats you well all the time.