Low libido and wanting advice on feeling more feminine and open

[VividHare]

Hi, I'm 26 years old. I have a stressful job. As long as I can remember, I've never had a high libido. It always felt shameful or sinful to me. Right now, I have no desire at all. I can't find a boyfriend, and I want to get married and become a mother, but something is holding me back. What do you think I can do to feel more feminine, sexy, compassionate, and gentle?

Therapy? Did you have an oppressive religious upbringing?

no,noo On the contrary, I grew up extremely free. But I don't even consider myself worthy of sexuality, and I don't know why. Not even holding a man's hand, for example. As for marriage, I especially don't consider myself worthy of it.

Some of the trashiest pieces of shit have kids. You are more than worthy.

Get some therapy and find out what your particular issue is, but as a woman you will definitely find a man, the challenge is filtering out the arseholes. You got this.

Are you physically healthy. Don't have a hormone imbalance? Do you really believe it's psychological? It might be that you need to have blood tests and if they are okay some therapy. IME girls are usually curious from 18 - 25

I was going to ask if you were asexual but not feeling worthy to hold a man's hand?

Have you seen men lately? 😂

You're only 26. You have lots of time to get into a relationship and have children.

First! Get yourself to therapy and work out where this self-loathing(?) / feeling of unworthiness is coming from. Dating feeling like this is only likely to lead you into terrible relationships.

But I don't even consider myself worthy of sexuality, and I don't know why. Not even holding a man's hand, for example. As for marriage, I especially don't consider myself worthy of it

Wow. You need a good, wise friend or therapy because you seem to have very low self-esteem.

I grew up extremely free

What does that mean, exactly?

People are understandably questioning your religious background or culture. You talk like you're from a culture where women are expected to be submissive or 'gentle', as you say. Almost no-one who is an atheist or agnostic who's been raised in that environment would use the word 'sinful' to refer to sex or libido, unless it's in a humorous way.

Explore and find yourself. Keep asking people out until it feels okay and if they say yes, then learn to enjoy going out. Sitting at home alone does not help.

I don't love myself. My father abandoned us and never loved us; he constantly humiliated us in front of other people. There are 150 men where I work, but I can't feel any sexual desire towards any of them.

I have cortisol and insulin resistance, and PCOS. Believe me, I've never been able to like sex, I've always been afraid of it, I think of it as a sin. I feel like God will punish me if I do it.

You're very kind, thank you. I hope everything goes well!

What church are/were you with that taught you God punishes? It doesn't really join up with being raised extremely free. Being humiliated by your father isn't being raised extremely free.

I'm wondering where this idea has come from if you didn't grow up in a religious family.

Therapy would be a good idea. Not to make you feel attracted to men, but to get to the root of why you have such low self esteem. Once you deal with that, things should become clearer.

Maybe you don’t even like men op. Maybe you like women.

It’s ok to not feel any sexual desire at all (or to feel it towards women rather than men as PP said). If that is the case, you don’t need to ‘fix’ anything (although if you don’t have any sexual desire, marriage and children will be much more tricky).

But it does sound as though there might be something else going on here re ideas you have absorbed during your upbringing.

I think in this day and age, relationships in the workplace are less common - people are trained pretty heavily to avoid conversations that might appear to be sexual harassment.

I would suggest trying to make some/mpre male friends first - given your history you may be the kind of person who develops a sexual interest in someone with whom you have already formed an emotional connection. Not a thunderbolts and eyes meeting on an escalator kind of girl! A deeper level of trust is often necessary for a women to want some physical/romantic contact with a man and that’s ok. It doesn’t make you weird or dysfunctional simply because you haven’t met someone you fancy yet. It makes you discerning.

Do you have female friends in steady hetero relationships? Have you taken the time to ask friends what is good and bad in the relationship and to observe how the man treats your friend? It’s important you set yourself some standards.

My father abandoned us, treated us terribly, cheated on my mother many times, and never loved us. Now I can never trust a man; what if he cheats on me, what if he goes to someone else? I would be devastated. I guess that's what I'm afraid of. No, I don't like women.

This is exactly why therapy would be a good idea. Not because you need to be 'fixed' but because you have had a difficult experience during your childhood, which is still affecting you now.

There are decent men out there. Most men are not like your dad. It's about building your own self esteem, which will then give you a much better chance of having a healthy relationship, and being able to spot any red flags.