Please help me set clear boundaries with my ex visiting

[Cardboardsie]

I need some help to set up some boundaries please.
I have agreed for my ex to visit me as he did reach out and said that he wasn’t well, and if he could come for a visit. This probably sounds very stupid but we broke up over 7 years ago and managed to remain friends after some time of non contact. During that time he has helped me several times without ever asking for anything in return.

My problem is that I have mental heath issues and a real problem with boundaries and that I often end up doing things that I regret because I feel bad to say no. It’s been a consistent problem for me. He knows about this as I was even worse when we were together.

Nothing romantic ever happened between us since our breakup, but I feel nervous about the visit somehow. He’s been a good friend to me and I want to return the kindness that he has shown me, because I don’t think that he has many people in his life, but he was also a dick back then.

I’d like to set up some boundaries to protect myself from any hurt, and also to avoid any confusion for him because I am adamant that nothing will ever happen between us again. I’ve told him this already and he has agreed but I am not sure if I believe him.

Meet in public place in the day time , make it a cafe so no alcohol to cloud judgement

and have an appointment to go to afterwards ( meet a friend first debrief )

Meet somewhere local and public. Don't take him back to your house. Spend the day with him and then say your goodbyes at the end of the visit.

I’m sorry that I didn’t make this clear. He is going to stay with me 2 nights as he will be flying over (I’m in Ireland and he’s in the uk).
I don’t think I can tell him to stay in a hotel when he’s helped me before and had me stay over at his in the spare room. Unless I suggest him staying with my parents who are only a few mins away.

Why did you break up?

Could you let him stay in your house and you go to your parents for these 2 nights?

It is ok when he suggests something to say ' I need time to think about this'.
It's more important to think about yourself than be a people pleaser.

Presumably you stayed at his only because you needed a bed for the night, not to spend time with him?

Agree with @QuietlyWonderful that you should just stay at your parents but I gather he wants to visit you because he's not feeling well?

Could you offer him a phone call instead? Checking in every day for a couple days?

@itsnotalwaysthateasy is not wrong though, it really depends on why he wants to come.

Yes I could definitely stay with my parents.

Yeah, he wants to visit for the company I think. I did ask if he was sick because my overthinking brain immediately jumped to the worst case scenario but he said that he wasn’t, just down and wanted a break. It’s impossible to know what’s going on with him because he so guarded and never talked about his feelings which is why I am surprised and a bit worried that he even said this much.

When I crashed with him a few years back it was because I had been in a terrible fight with my then partner who had physically attacked me (I was still living in the UK then). I didn’t want to tell my parents so reached out to ex who picked me up half way and put me up. I knew he wouldn’t give me a lecture or tell anyone. So I feel that I should really be accommodating when he needs someone. Im probably massively overthinking all of this again

Did he try anything back then? Back then you pretty much had nowhere to go and it was kind of him to put you up in his spare.

But even so, you have every right to tell him it's not a good time because you're unwell yourself right now, but you'd be up for a Zoom call or whatever. After all, he is physically safe unlike you back then, so it's not that urgent for him to "get out". Or if you let him visit, you could give both your ex and parents heads-up that you'll be off to your parents by 7.

Boundaries are rules you set for yourself that save you all that overthinking as long as you stick to them.