Young Man Looking for Mum's Wise Advice on Relationship Breakdown

[advicepleasemums1]

My (24M) girlfriend (23F) of 7 years said she wanted to end things a month ago. We met in school, and had been long distance for most of our relationship. She just had a really stressful final year of dental school and required a lot of effort and support from me. I gave her unending love and care, but it was only really me putting anything into the relationship, always me visiting her, and we didn't have any time for quality us time. She finished and things were great between us. She chose to do her training scheme in a city nearby to me and we were preparing future plans knowing we would finally not be long distance, both living exciting adult lives, and experiencing the real world for the first time. Over this year, I hadn't been myself. I finished university and moved back home. Living with my parents and being in a weird transition phase meant that I lost me. I made her everything to me and hadn’t put my life first.

She went away travelling for 2 months to celebrate the freedom of finishing her degree. She was then going to come home for her graduation, we would spend that time together, and then go to Greece for 10 days. She was away travelling with friends that don’t know me or us together, they aren’t a part of our shared life. A week before she was coming home I texted about being unhappy in my own life and was looking for reassurance from her. Things had been distant whilst she was travelling, but I presumed it was that she was busy and I wanted her to have that freedom. The conversation went badly and she wouldn't give me any reassurance. We ended up having an argument. I thought we moved on from it and things were normal, then the day before she was coming home for her graduation she said she wanted to end things. She flew home the next day and saw me and then said she still wanted me to come to her graduation. I went and had a great time with her friends and family. Her guard quickly dropped and it was like we were us again. She asked if I still wanted to go to Greece and we went together. We had an incredible time for 10 days, she told me she loved me all the time, called me her best friend, was extremely affectionate. It was more like a honeymoon than 2 people breaking up. There is no loss of love, friendship, attraction, or care. The end got difficult and we had a couple of arguments because I was upset that we were throwing this away. We had a really emotional goodbye and agreed to go no contact. She was extremely upset saying goodbye. We talked about things working out in the future but she says she needs time.

Her reasons for breaking up were that she was away travelling but not enjoying herself because she felt a ‘heaviness’ that wouldn’t go away. She has so much stress going on in her own life about moving cities and starting work. I am so tied up in her stress and her old dental school life. We didn’t have time for fun together. She felt the same last summer when she went away for 2 months and we worked things through. But, she feels trapped because she feels like she can’t leave the relationship as I convinced her to stay. We had one breakup up before (I broke up with her a few years a go) for very similar reasons (I was living by myself in a new city with new people etc.), but I realised that she was not the heaviness in my life and that my independent free life was better when I had her. I came back to her and we worked things through. She said that she thought she was over the last breakup, but this summer those feelings came back. I really didn't let her go, was very immature, and didn't give her the space and respect she deserved in the last breakup. I have apologised and been accountable for that. I know I was so wrong. She said to me 'how come you get to do something that I don't'. I had time just focusing on myself (didn’t date for 7 months) when we were broken up before. She got into a rebound relationship that only ended when we came back into each other’s lives. She has never had time just as an adult by herself. I realise that when I made her my everything this year I became an emotional obligation to her and neglected my own independent life. She was feeling out of control and tied down by her own life and I became associated with all of that. She was not sure of the breakup and felt very conflicted.

At the end of our trip I completely let go, accepted the breakup, gave her love and respect for the 10 years we have known each other, told her I was so proud of her, and so grateful for what we have shared. I said I would respect her space and not reach out to her. She called me after 10 days in a complete mess and saying that all the heaviness in her life had become heavier and now she didn’t have the person that helped her lift that heaviness. She said she just needed to hear my voice to calm her down. I stayed cool, calm, and collected. I was there for her, I said I understand that the dynamic couldn’t continue, and that I’m putting all my time into the parts of my life that I had neglected. I didn't fight the breakup at all. I am now moving out into London, I found an amazing apartment in an area of London that we both love, I have a new job, I’m seeing my friends, and I’m getting back into my interests. I’m becoming me again and she was able to see this. There is still so much love, care, and friendship between us. But, the relationship dynamic became suffocating. I love this girl so much and I hope that we can be adults with independent lives in the world who can build something fulfilling for both of us in the future. There is no anger or resentment between us, only love.

It feels like the story isn’t over, but we are no contact and she has not changed her mind. We completely cut off all online connection to each other. She has just come back to the UK (2 days ago) to start her new job and move into the city that she chose because of me. She knows nobody in that city. I move into London and start my new life next week. I’m terrified of what comes next.

Sending lots of love

It's a sad truth that relationships made very young don't necessarily make it because both of you are changing so fast.

I promise you will look back on this and be glad that it happened although that's hard to believe now 💙💙💙

What do you want out of posting here?

You've been through a big time of changes together but I think you have to accept she wants to move on from you.

Rather than being scared, look at London as a new start - as you say, a new life. Start it with time for yourself, don't rush into anything relationships-wise, but the important thing is to look forward, not back. You have your whole life ahead of you.

She has moved on. You need to move on with your life now too.

You are both very different to the 16 and 17 year olds when you first met. You have both grown and matured, this often happens when a relationship starts when, essentially, you are children.
I know it feels like your heart is broken at the moment, most people have been through it. But you will, in time, come to terms with this break up; eventually, you will look back on this relationship with fondness, as you get older and experience more of life.
Sending you lots of best wishes for this difficult journey.

Like the line in a famous song, we don't always get what we want but we get what we need.
You had the benefit of a period of reflection and growth to recognise that you depended too much on this relationship to the detriment of your sense of self. Use your new found knowledge and emotional resilience to move forward in your life. Your plans for your next steps are exactly what you need. Don't think about what ifs or 'what might come next' with this young woman, you both want and need different things. Let yourselves move on independently but with fond memories of what you once had.
Keep moving forward. I wish you well

I think you may have developed a kind of intertwined emotional life that isn't very helpful. I certainly don't think it is right that you are her emotional support to the extent it seems you are.

I would take this no contact complete break seriously. If she does contact you again because she is low and 'needs' you to calm her, then by all means be kind in the way you say it, but I'd suggest she seek therapy for her low moods and say that you can't continue to offer that level of support for her

Moving into adult life post university is really hard and will likely feel somewhat scary, but you can do things to make it easier.

Give yourself plenty of time to adjust to your work. Starting a new job is hard and can take a good 6 months or more to feel settled. Make sure you are building relationships at work ( general ones, not romantic) if you can.

Don't leave your social life to chance. You can look online for things near where you are that you would enjoy doing. It doesn't matter if it is open water swimming, a 5 aside football group or meeting to play dungeons and dragons but I'd try to get at least one or two regular " meet in person" events into your week regularly.

At the grand old age of 61, I can tell you something. It is perfectly possible to live a happy and fulfilling life without a romantic relationship, but it is not possible to do this without other types of relationships where you feel connected and as though you have found a "tribe".

This isn't to say you won't have a fantastic romantic relationship in the future (even in the near future) of course. Just that it would be wise for now to put your energies into building a broader base of different types of relationship first.

Personally, I wouldn't re- contact your old girlfriend or get back together with her, even if she contacts you to ask. It doesn't feel like a healthy relationship to me. Maybe you have been putting your life on hold for her emotionally, maybe you have just grown differently. You can change a lot between your teens and mid twenties. It certainly sounds like she has a lot going on emotionally that you will not be able to be the answer to, even if you wanted to be.

This is all excellent advice

I think you sound like an amazingly emotionally mature young lad.

And congrats on the London move. Hope you love it there. Wish I could stay there, I bloody love London!

I only have your side so it’s difficult to know what’s what but it sounds like she just doesn’t want to be tied down. It’s weird to want to totally cut someone off one mintute and invite them on holiday the next.

Is it possible she just sees you as a friend and wants to hold on to you because of your long term friendship but doesn’t want a relationship and can see that you do so she cuts you off completely?

That would explain her behaviour.

But it could also be there is an element of her being non commital and not wanting to feel tied to someone. Especially if she travels a lot and may want to …enjoy being single. Which is understandable.

Or it could be that she…needs someone to lean on about her needs but isn’t predisposed to being a shoulder for them in return. And sometimes that is selfish. Or sometimes it’s just being logical about how much you have to give. Or, being careful as the other person is taking too much.

I think the best thing to do is to decide for yourself that it is over and block her back.
Is it possible in the future you may find one another again? Sure, people do live a very long time after all.

But for now you have a new adventure to focus on. A new home and new people to meet.

Put a pin in it, block her. Choose you.

Compassion?

It's more than friendship because our time together in Greece was incredibly romantic and I know it's not about seeing other people. I think her life is just a mess and I was able to be there to lift that burden, but when I needed her to lift some for me and not always be the strong one it felt like added pressure to everything she is already dealing with. I really appreciate your advice. I love her so much and want us to both be able to move forwards in the healthiest way possible. I know that the path to me being happy on my own and the path to a healthy reconciliation requires the same thing of me now. I'm trying to turn this into a good thing and really work on becoming myself and building a life I am proud of. I'm just scared of losing her forever.

I think we have to be honest with ourselves that sometimes love isn’t enough.

And I’m not saying that relationships can’t have the odd complication here or there but if they are more complication than relationship…

For the most part, the right relationships are as easy as breathing. They aren’t battle fields. They aren’t uphill struggles. They aren’t unequal ground where one party is always doing more or supporting without it being reciprocated.

I’m sorry op but she just doesn’t sound right for you. And sure, it could be a case of right person wrong time but, it also might not be.

I know it can be hard to see your life without someone who has been a big part of it for so long, especially since childhood. But I think you need to find a way to do this. Becuase it seems like you guys don’t work together. Not anymore.

Sometimes life sends you tests and they keep testing you until you figure them out. I don’t think the test is to work out how to keep her. I think it’s to work out that you shouldn’t. At least, for now.

couldn’t have said it any better - excellent advice here

what a lucky young lady to have had you so close and supportive during those years. I have a daughter at Uni who would give her right arm to meet a lovely young man like you . You have restored my faith!

Look, you got together as children, and you’ve both changed. Stick to being no contact. Focus on building your own new life.

But she hadn't rescinded the breakup for the trip to Greece, so she was actually playacting in a role that no longer exists. I think it was incredibly cruel of her to ask you on a trip after a breakup where romance was a part of it, knowing she'd be sending mixed signals and sparking hope in you.

And then, when you say you were there for her but when you needed her, she couldn't provide the same.

I think when you gain some distance and time away from her, that your rose-colored glasses might fade to more realistic views. You're so used to being in each other's lives, it's hard to imagine life without her, but I believe when you build a fulfilling life without her, that idea will evolve to simply be a first-love memory of both good times and bad, but that your fate lies elsewhere.

Do consider that it won't be fair to any future partner that you stay in contact with someone you were in a LTR with. I know I wouldn't have dated who became my future husband if I'd learned he stayed in contact with an ex.

Good luck in your new life.

Lots of great wisdom above and particularly this with bells on:

"I think when you gain some distance and time away from her, that your rose-colored glasses might fade to more realistic views. You're so used to being in each other's lives, it's hard to imagine life without her, but I believe when you build a fulfilling life without her, that idea will evolve to simply be a first-love memory of both good times and bad, but that your fate lies elsewhere."

You got together so young (aged 16/17). Some first loves stay the course but most don't and there are good reasons for that. People grow and change so much.

And this is actually the third time you have split up - previously: first you and then her - you have both previously felt pulled away from each other. You've found your way back to each other but in many ways it sounds like the last year since she finished with you for the first time has been as much about habit and what feels comfortable and easy as anything.

You've both clipped your wings for each other and now is a time for you both to soar and take advantage of being young and free - your 20s are an excellent time for exactly that.

It is not impossible that in due course you will find your way back to each other. I am friends with a couple who got together very young, as you did, split up after about some years, were part for about 5 years, and then got back together in their mid/late 20s (though of course when they split up, they didn't know that was what would happen; it was not planned).

Of course, this feels very difficult. You have loved each other and been deeply committed. It's very painful to walk away from that. But most adults have lived through romantic disappointments and at least one broken heart (often more). The pain does pass. The person you loved and couldn't imagine living without - they become a part of your history for which you can be grateful, that you can reflect on and smile about - but they don't stop you moving forward.

You sound like a great guy with loads going for you. Life in London is calling - new job, new friends, new opportunities. You've got this.

Keep it no contact. Dont allow her to breadcrumb you using you for dupport and teasing with possibility of reconciliation. You have an amazing life opportunity in London, throw yourself into it. Go for drinks with colleagues, join a gym, explore everything the city has to ffer. As your life becomes more full she will be less signifcant. First love is amazing but it hurts like hell when it ends. Look back on it with fondness but forward to your new life with anticipation.

Alawys remember you should be someone's priority not their fallback. Good luck

I think you need to assume you have lost her forever. It's the only way you will be able to move on. It's time for you both to move onto new lives. It should be incredibly exciting- new jobs, new cities, new opportunities, new friends. It's horrible when you have a break up, especially after such a long time but set each other free now, and don't do what I did at your age and waste good years moping around after an ex who did breadcrumb me ( maybe not intentionally but because he felt sorry for me and liked the attention) but I look on it now as a complete waste. You won't be 24 again, either of you.