Where do I start planning separation with three children?

[ThePlumPoet]

I’m a mum of three and I’m at the point where I think I need to leave my husband, but I honestly don’t know where to start.
A while ago, my husband had an affair with his boss. We decided to stay together, but if I’m being completely honest, I have never truly forgiven him. I’ve carried the hurt quietly for years. He has continued on with life as though nothing happened, while I struggle with the betrayal on a daily basis.
I still love him in the sense that he is the father of my children and someone I have shared a huge part of my life with, but I’m no longer in love with him. I feel like I have stayed in this marriage for the sake of the kids, and I’m now realising that I can’t continue living in a loveless marriage just because I’m scared of what comes next.
I have recently gone back to university to finish my degree, and I don’t feel supported by him. In fact, sometimes I feel like he deliberately interrupts or distracts me when I’m trying to study. In front of other people, he talks about how much “slack” he is picking up around the house and with the kids so that I can study, but that honestly isn’t how things feel from my perspective.
I want to clarify that I do not feel physically unsafe and I am not worried that he will physically hurt me or the children. However, there have been emotional behaviours in the past that have made things very difficult. During arguments, he can turn things around so that I end up feeling like everything is my fault. He is very good at taking things I have said, twisting the meaning or using my own words against me. I often walk away from conversations questioning myself and wondering whether I really am the one in the wrong.
That is one of the reasons I find the idea of leaving so overwhelming. I worry that if I tell him I want to separate, I will somehow end up being convinced that I am the problem or that I am doing something terrible to our family.
The biggest practical issue is that I don’t have anywhere to go.
I’m not originally from this country, so my family are all back in my home country. I have his family nearby and a small group of friends, but I don’t have a support network I could realistically move in with. I also know he won’t willingly leave the marital home, and I don’t want to leave without my children. They shouldn’t have to suddenly lose their home and everything familiar because their parents’ marriage has broken down.
I feel completely stuck.
For anyone who has been through separation with children, particularly when you didn’t have family nearby, what did you actually do first?
Did you get legal advice before telling your partner you wanted to separate? How did you work out housing, finances and arrangements for the children? Is it possible to separate while initially remaining under the same roof?
I’m not looking for judgement about staying after the affair or being told simply to “leave.” Emotionally, I think I know what I want. I just don’t know how to make it possible practically, particularly when I have three children and very little family support here.
I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation and can share what steps they took first.

I did this. But I was only able to because I focussed on work and earning so the financial side worked. And then it only really became possible when there was an inheritance. Also he had another affair so was keen to set up with her and had an incentive to move on.
Sorry. It’s extremely hard. Are you earning now? What equity do you have? How old are the DC? His earnings? All practical questions as you will need all your resources and a lot of strength to do this.

To add. I lived in our house separately from him for years. And also waited until DC were late teens. Maybe step one is this. Tell him it’s over for you and separate within your home. I slept on a sofa for five years…

How long have you left of your degree? Is it full-time or is part-time/online?

Personally I'd get legal advice on the quiet and look at what support is available to you as a sole parent before you consider telling him. You already know he twists things and turns it round on you. Knowledge is your friend here.

And yes, you can separate while in the home. If eligible, I think you could start a UC claim as a single parent while still sharing a house. (You would need to sleep separately and not cook/laundry for each other etc).

Solicitors generally advise not to leave the marital home until the divorce/ financial settlement is settled.

I did this.

First I researched benefits I would be entitled to so I had an idea of income alongside my earnings. I also worked out the value of our home and likely maintenance he would need to pay. Getting that free half hour of solicitors advice is useful it should give you a realistic idea of what to expect financially.

However we sold the family home and split the equity so we were both able to buy somewhere individually. It was hard but I survived and things are much easier now.

Many people do stay in the same house until it is affordable to split.

Houses, homes, they are hard to leave. But is it worth your future happiness? You’ll create a new home and where you are will be your kids home. Bricks and mortar are not everything.

Good luck.

If you are in a place where you need to get your university degree. I would keep saying, yes it's my fault,...to everything. Be very flippant about it.
You are wonder woman though. Get the degree and fly!

I split with XH three years ago.i started sleeping on the couch when I was absolutely sure that the marriage was over.

He is still living in our basement now and won’t talk about finances. (We are both British but not living in the UK so I understand about not having family around to support!)

it’s not ideal but it’s also not horrific. We have worked out a weekly schedule and our paths barely cross. We communicate about the DC via text or phone call if/when needed.

I have a new DP and this is going very well. We managed to sync our child free times, and it had helped that I have had somewhere to go to escape hanging around the family home when XH has his time with them.

arm yourself with information, throw yourself into your studies and use this time to prepare your next steps.

good luck!

Finish your degree, get a full time job and then leave. Is he likely to want co-parenting ? He may want to do 50% of child care

Realistically the family home will have to be sold, but children adapt so easily. Many women say they can’t leave due to that reason, but my children didn’t bat an eyelid when we moved into a rental. You will be entitled to universal credit, so should hopefully be ok financially. I guess the answer is to separate and live under the same roof until the house is sold, then you’ll need to decide what to do housing wise depending on equity etc. When do you finish uni? Not earning isn’t ideal, but hopefully will help long term.

People should not advise OP to get a better job, earn more, before splitting up. My friend did this and had to give her exH more in the divorce.
Do not advise on finances unless you know details of their current and predicted earning capacities, how much her DH earns now, how much she does, what assets they have, who does more breadwinning to date.

If the DH earns well and she does not, it is in her interests to maintain the status quo during the divorce, divide the assets and maintenance accordingly and then only increase her earnings subsequently. Presumably she earns less as she is studying. If she has a greater earning capacity than him, then it is not in her current interests to implement that now either.
Best wait until finances are sorted.

Did your friend have to give more foe Child Maintenance Support though? Salary is largely irrelevant on divorce as split is asset based

Salary is relevant to child maintenance and high salary can lead to spousal maintenance