Just need someone to chat with

[Autumn94x]

I’m feeling really depressed about my marriage and honestly just need somewhere to talk without being judged.
I don’t think my husband loves me anymore. Whenever something goes wrong in his life, he seems to find a way to blame me for it. When other people hurt or upset him, instead of dealing with them, he often takes his anger out on me.
He also accuses me of being the reason he’s depressed, and I’m starting to feel like I’m carrying the blame for everything that goes wrong in his life.
I’m exhausted, hurt, and really lonely. I’m not necessarily looking for advice right now — I’d just really like to chat with people who understand what it feels like to be in a relationship where you constantly feel blamed and unwanted.
If anyone is around and willing to talk, I’d really appreciate it.

There are lots of us around x

Him blaming you is a lazy way out. He’s an adult and is responsible for himself.

When you say he takes out his anger - what are we meaning here?

When I say he takes his anger out on me, I mean he gets verbally angry with me and goes into a really sulky, moany mood. He’ll bring up some random thing I apparently did that pissed him off a month ago, usually after he’s just been disrespected or upset by his own family.
It feels like he doesn’t have a backbone with anyone else and won’t stand up for himself, but then I become the person he feels he can take all that frustration out on.
I’m honestly sick and tired of it, and I’m quite hurt by it all. I feel like he’s only become like this recently, and I genuinely don’t know what’s gotten into him or why he’s changed so much towards me. It’s upsetting because I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to deserve being treated this way, and I don’t understand why I seem to be the person he takes everything out on.

I am here and have experienced that at times.

It seems like emotional immaturity. Treating spouse like a parent rather than a partner. It’s safe to lash out at mummy, who is meant to love you unconditionally and absorb all of your bad emotions.

It’s confusing, painful and lonely. The loving connection between you gets disrupted when they do this. Does that make sense?

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with or this. His is using you as an emotional punch bag to direct his frustrations, disappointments and failings. He is deflecting away from any autonomy or accountability. What are you getting out of this marriage?

Honestly, it sounds like he needs a wake up.

A conversation where he’s told enough is enough. This isn’t acceptable behaviour, and it stops.

Do you think you want to leave him?

@MsSmartShoes
At this point, it’s honestly quite hard to answer that question. We have young children together and he is a good father to them, so I do benefit from having a supportive father for the children, if that makes sense.
Other than that, we usually have an okay sex life, although he hasn’t come near me in a few weeks, which obviously adds to how disconnected I’m feeling from him.
But if I’m being completely honest, it’s really hard to say what I’m benefiting from this relationship right now. I’m struggling to think beyond the children and the fact that he is a good dad.

It sounds like this is a new thing. I know it’s difficult but please stick up for yourself, every single time. Don’t let this behavior become normal or something you just grin and bear. It’s much harder to unwind the longer it goes on.

We are successfully doing so now, and I wish the first time it happened I’d not tolerated it.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man .

He is not a good dad to his children if you are treated abusively. The silent treatment you are enduring is emotional abuse

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here? This is no relationship model to show them because they could go onto repeat this in their own adult relationships. Teach them the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

If you are in England do contact Womens Aid and get their support too. Also consider seeking legal advice on all aspects of separating from him as knowledge is power.

In the abusers head it’s always someone else’s fault, in this case yours, and never their own. He will continue to blame you for everything that goes wrong in his life and your kids will be further affected by seeing you as their mum being abused.

Do not go to joint counselling with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue and it’s never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

You’re right, I do think it is emotional abuse, and what’s really surprising to me is how he manages to portray himself as the victim in all of this.

He claims that when he tells other people what’s happening between us, they tell him that I’m in the wrong and that they’re on his side. But when I’ve actually spoken to those people myself, they’ve sworn to me that they never said that at all and that, in fact, they were defending me. It’s honestly really messed up, and I don’t understand what is going on in his head for him to perceive things so differently or tell me these things.
Despite all of this, I think it would be incredibly hard for me to leave him. Even though I feel like there’s very little left to fight for in the relationship right now, the thought of actually leaving is still really difficult.

That’s likely because it becomes far more real for you but I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway. Staying with him will just bring you and in turn your kids further down. It’s therefore not either an easier option a good one.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He is not above lying through his teeth either when he says that other people side with him. For that alone you and he need to be apart. He will continue to gaslight and or otherwise use DARVO against you all.

How long have you been married?
Was he like this before you got married?

I had the "other people are on my side" thing with a horrible ex. Turned out either they had actually been being nice about me or hadn't had any such conversation in the first place.

I don't have anything to add, only that I completely understand what you're going through. I feel like my partner could take or leave me most of the time. We have a young child so that is a huge part of why I stay, but the way he treats me just makes me feel sad and alone.

We very rarely have sex (the last time was Christmas) and he almost never initiates it. We bicker constantly about the smallest things and I feel like he dislikes me most of the time.

He calls me most lunchtimes, but I think that's because I'm good at listening and he likes someone to sound off to - he's mostly a lone-worker. When we are together though, he's condescending, stroppy, argumentative and very critical. For example, we were trying to have a family 'board game' night and we were told by him we weren't allowed to throw the die on the table incase it marked it, I got a row for moving my glass on the table and when my child won and got excited, he told her off for 'screaming'. I was starting to get irritated and said 'she's just excited' - I got a big lecture on how my opinion wasn't welcome, how I grumpy I was and he stormed off.

Life is like this constantly, very up and down. He's had an affair in the past and at this point, I really just think he doesn't love me anymore but it's too convenient to leave. I'm sad, lonely and my self esteem is on thr floor. In my experience, this doesn't get any better. We're both stuck in a cycle of defensivnesss and resentment.

It is ok to question his inaccuracies to maintain your own self worth. You need to be brave to do this. But boundaries may help.

Could you have a little break from him? Could you go to stay with your Mum with the DC? When you are not there he won't be able to blame you and he might miss you a lot.

@Autumn94x You're not his whippingboy all of his behaviours are his problem you didn't create them.