Child care of teens after divorce

[Why804]

Hi everyone. I know every seperation is different but looking for some advice. Currently going through a divorce. Already live separately.
Neither of us are currently working due to some disabilities and health issues. So both have a lot of free time . We have two teenagers.
The teenagers have stayed with me permanently. I cannot get ex to commit to any kind of a routine or structure of seeing the children. He does see them but he doesnt have them on his own and I dont know why. No overnights. No shared care. Me doing 100% of everything.
The kids go back to school in a couple of weeks. He hasn't offered to do any school runs. I do all of them . I cook tea every night . All lifts etc. They are with me all the time.
Just because im not working at the moment surely doesn't mean he feels he never has to actually do anything? There is no parenting happening from him. Just the odd visit , text, phone call here and there. I just dont understand it. He says he wants to be involved but isnt doing any of the day to day stuff. He didn't when we were together which caused alot of resentment to build in me . And now its still happening. Hes generous financially and would come here and "babysit" if I asked him to. But thats it. Im finding it all very strange and the resentment is building again but I want to remain amicable and its difficult with teens as they are often busy etc themselves

Have you tried actually having a direct conversation and asking why he feels he can avoid parenting his own children.

What does he say when you ask him about it? Tell him he needs to do the school runs on xyz days and lay it out for him when he needs to have them. How old are the dc? I take it they can’t get themselves to school?

Yes ive messaged him about it countless times ,he either doesnt reply or skirts around it.
Being apart is just highlighting how much of the day to day practical parenting he didnt do but I was hopeful he would step up after the split. Ive given him a few months to get settled now in his own place. Daughter has been twice for a couple of ours , son hasn't been at all.

Can the teens not get to school on a bus?
Can they not be dropped off at his house for next week?

No buses due to where we live. School 4 miles away. Both myself and ex live close by to each other. I do school runs morning and afternoon every single day.
There is nothing of the Children's at his house. No possessions and nothing set up for them. No where to sleep or store anything. And no offer of this.
As times going on the kids are obviously hurt by this and are saying they dont want to anyway which isnt helping the situation

I can't force him and I dont want to. The kids dont really want to and I dont want to go through courts because of their ages.
But.....why does that mean I get absolutely no help and hes basically living like a single bachelor with no children??

Unfortunately, if he was a shit father when you were together, he's very likely to continue to be. It's sad for your children and horrible to see them hurt. But they have one decent and loving parent so I guess you just have to focus on that. He will never have the relationship with them that you do!

Sounds like he’s acting exactly as he did when you were married.
Why did you expect him to change?
Clearly he’s as involved as he wants to be, stop nagging.

Unfortunately, yes. If he won’t step up there’s nothing you can do. Ultimately the dc will realise he is a useless shit. My ex is the same. He then moved to America when dd was 4 and now she is 23 they have no relationship at all.

Then maybe it is time to be blunt.

ex, can you decide whether you are doing the school drop offs or pick ups and let me know by x. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

ex, can you ensure you are set up to have the children for your contact for x date and email me by x if you have difficulty meeting that deadline.

We separated and then divorced when the DC were mid-teens they are now early 20s/late teen and he has never had them overnight, taken them on holiday or even had them to his house. I just picked up everything and he walked off back to a single life. Contact with DC was sporadic - now early 20s DC has cut all contact and late teen DC is close to doing the same. It’s been a few years and I still feel so angry that he could just turn his back on them. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, it’s hard not to let the frustration be overwhelming at times.

You were unreasonable to think that he’d have a personality transplant and step up.

The more you push, the less likely he is to change. You’re an ex and he won’t want to do anything to make your life easier (have free time and meet someone else which is the biggest fear of many deadbeats)

A court wouldn’t force him to have the kids. A court order would list the times that you’d make the kids available for contact but there’s no repercussions if he does nothing. He could say he wants to see the kids on their birthday and at Christmas and a court would say fine.

Legally a court would allow a teen to choose how much contact they had with each parent. If your kids said that they wanted zero contact with their dad, they would say that was fine.

Blunt drop them off with an overnight bag give him warning if need be and just say I will pick them up tomorrow at 10 am

sadly , some parents often can’t be arsed and don’t do anything with/for their children