Dos and donts for finding a FWB?

[doublestrengthespresso]

in my fifties, been single for a few years, have decided I would like a friends with benefits. I’m currently dating on a few apps, ultimately looking for long term but up for some fun in meantime.

can anyone give me some do’s and donts of finding a FWB? I’ve done this before but it was with someone I already knew. So now just wondering if you approach someone online looking for short term or FWB, how you know they’re not married, are they STD checked (is it ok to ask?), they’re not playing you etc?

Realistically you cannot know for sure they aren’t married. Although tbh, this would apply to someone you went on dates with with the idea of a serious relationship as well.

Yes you can absolutely ask about STD testing. Don’t sleep with anyone who gets arsey about that!

What do you mean by playing you? You just want sex from this person, yes? So what are you worried they’ll be playing you about?

I guess by that I mean, are they who they say they are, are they sleeping with other people etc (which is fine as long as they aren’t saying something different) etc….have been lied to a lot in the past so I’m a bit cautious….

You’ll never know if they’re honest or married or seeing multiple people - and the point about being ‘just’ a fwb is no expectation of exclusivity …..

you can ask fir sti screening but also should insist on condoms due to above

You want a friends with benefits but you're also cautious? Not sure how that one will pan out. Especially with meeting randoms off the internet.

Yep - there's a lot of liars.

I’m conscious that it might not be for me, given that I’m cautious, and my only option is someone I meet online!

there do seem to be a lot of liars unfortunately!

I think it’s always best to meet first for coffee or a drink. Anybody who refuses to do this isn’t legitimate.

Then, I think it’s a question of building a bit of chemistry and seeing where you both want it to go. Establish where you will meet to enjoy your fun and how often. Also establish boundaries such as keeping it purely fwb etc.

Regarding STDs, can obviously use protection but these days it’s easy enough to obtain testing online so could do together to be extra safe.

Good luck in finding such fun!

I'd say you'd have no problem finding someone up for this. But yeah, you'd need to try your best to weed out the non single ones. Which could be a little tricky. Always be open about what you're after and always use condoms.

You should absolutely talk about STD testing and other sexual partners, it’s basic health and safety!

I agree about having a few meet ups before sleeping with them to make sure you get on etc.

It’s also good to make sure you’re on the same page about what FWB looks like to both of you. My friend wanted to go out and do friend activities with her FWBs but the first one she met didn’t want to do any of that, so it wasn’t really a go-er.

You can always ask for an exclusive FWB situationship. It's not uncommon.
I put down looking to date, not looking for anything serious.
Lay it out exactly what you want. I like the friends and lovers aspect, it suits me better.
I like the romance but also the detachment with a phone call through the week to chat and catch up. Nothing heavy,

That’s a perfect setup but can be hard to find.

Finding a fwb when you really want something longer term is potentially dangerous! You need to ensure you don't fall for them or miss out on meeting someone you could actually have a relationship with! Is there an old flame you could hook up with perhaps?

If you are on the apps then find someone that is attractive but who also has a non-datable job, lifestyle or age so you aren't tempted to daydream about having more with them.

Just another thought...

I don't go on the hook up sites. I prefer someone who has a modicum of intelligence and sense of humour, that likes the things I like. No point in spending time with someone if they don't like quirky cafes or artisan restaurants or weekends away in ye olde England. There has to be something in common. So i use the non hook up dating apps.
HTH

If you are currently just looking for something casual, you will never know if it’s exclusive, just enjoy it for what it is and use protection.

If you are looking for a long term arrangement but aren’t interested in marriage or living together, make that clear (you’re looking for a partner / companionship but want to maintain your independence/ own home etc) - this kind of arrangement not uncommon if people have their own properties, children, finances they want to protect and keep separate but want company and regular sex.

That’s exactly what I was thinking - someone who I like but for some reason wouldn’t want a long term relationship with. I’ve had that before and it worked perfectly….just need to try and find it again 😂

Can be harder to find one of those than an actual bf.

This is more for when you’ve started seeing someone to test the waters and see if they make a good fwb -

Look out for the ignoring or pushing boundaries. Especially be wary if they are acting like they are trying to get you to fall for them. For example, they buy you little presents. That might seem like a nice thing, but it isn’t. Or maybe they act lovey dovey. That’s not a fwb.

Also consider - Do they respect your time in general. Show up when they say they will etc…

Are they transparent about who else they are sleeping with, about sexual health and do they care about sexual safety.

Ask them about womens pleasure. Quite often just asking them will tell you all you need to know before you even sleep with them. You don’t pick the one with the bravado by the way, because it’s mostly bullshit. Nor do you pick the one who looks confused when you talk about a women’s pleasure.

Look out for them being annoyed about you not falling for them or compromising your boundaries for them.

Look at how they talk about women in general.

How do they take it when you say no to things to them.

I've been in FWB situations and take flowers and chocolates and treat them to small pressies. They're a friend FFS. I just don't want to live with them. I don't need a house keeper or a maid or a LTR. They can call if they have a bad day at the office and want to rant. There's no attachment. It's about being an adult, grown up! Mature! We both know the crack! This s not teenage stuff. As soon as you feel uncomfortable or it's not right it ends. Simples!

I’ve met lots of liars of all sorts, even height liars! How on earth do they expect to get away with that one? In 5ft 10inch I’m probably gonna sus it pretty quickly if you ain’t 6ft like you said you were!

Anyway lol, you get the sense soon if their lying with general openness about where the live, work, there social media profiles. If their reluctant to let you see these things then they don’t want you to see for a reason.

Yes but you’re not trying to make him fall for you. It’s an already established fwb.

And the friend part seems to be included too which sometimes it isn’t as it’s more of a fuck buddy situation.

But you have to watch out for the ones in the early stages that are pushing boundaries by buying gifts and acting all lovey dovey because they aren’t doing it because they are your friend, they are doing it to make you fall for them. And they will get pissy as fuck when you don’t.

They aren’t looking for genuine fwb, they want you to fall for them and want exclusivity whilst they continue to see other people.

Try the Feeld app.
Never paddle without wellies.