How can I support a relative trapped in an abusive relationship?

[MummyB95]

Advice needed on family members domestic abuse situation.

hoping that someone can give some advice on this really awful situation.

i have a family member who is very close to me who is dealing with severe domestic abuse.

shes an adult who has older children who arnt involved in this situation. Her partner of about 4 years who isn’t the father of her children is severely absuive.

there has been more occasions than I can count she’s turned up bruised all over her body, black eyes busted lips. The most recent time she confided in me she said he attacked her in the street and was punching her I. The head while she was o. The floor and a member of the public intervened luckily.

they have been continuously on and off for this whole time period but she always gets lured back into it with him. It’s honestly like he brainwashes her. I’m really starting to worry that he’s going to kill her one day. They don’t live together as her children won’t allow it (they don’t know the extent of the abuse) but they hate him and won’t allow him in the house luckily. But she just keeps going back and won’t press charges even when police have been involved.

she said she’s done this time but it’s literally been 2 weeks and I can already sense she’s going to go back. What can I do. I feel helpless and feel like I’m literally letting her just get to the point she’ll be killed one day.

Be careful what you say to her in texts/over the phone.
whenever you see her face to face tell her you are there for her always and don’t pass judgement.
do her immediate family know?
Ask her what she would say if her child was with a man like this?

As frustrating as it is, you cannot force her to leave him. All you can do is offer support, a place to stay, a listening ear. Try and persuade her to speak to Women's Aid if you can. Offer to keep any evidence, photographs of injuries etc in case of criminal charges in the future. Has she had to seek medical treatment with the GP or hospital? That is also evidence. If you can, keep a log of dates and times that you have seen her with injuries.

Could you suggest that she has some counselling? Talking everything through with a professional might help her come to a place where she feels ready to leave him for good.

My sister was in a relationship like this for 7 years, when she was in her 20s. I know my mother was sometimes beside herself with worry. But she was also extremely careful to not alienate my sister and her utter shit abuser.

It led to extremely weird tense situations, like a Christmas where we were all pretending my sister hadn't combed her hair over to cover the bald patch where he'd snatched a huge chunk of her hair out 2 weeks earlier.

My sister did eventually leave, but not before he exerted another savage attack on her.

By then, we'd all distanced ourselves, including my mother. We'd gone through so many rounds of her leaving. We were still there for her to some degree but yes, there was distance to preserve our own sanity.

It's just really sad and incredibly stressful to watch this kind of thing.

All I can suggest is to talk to DV centres for advice.

And keep in contact with your cousin with low level but repeated signaling of your concern. But the frequency of contact should be guided by what you can stand, so it doesn't wreck your own life. You can't change someone, you can't force them to act.

It's such a horrible situation, you feel so helpless, and at times really angry at the victim. But it really is brainwashing, they can't see the wood for the trees in that state, because the abuser is constantly intensely front and centre alternately terrorising and love bombing.