How to handle a new partner pulling back during a difficult week

[Matchalover]

My new partner of 6 months is going through a rough time and last week has said he is an emotional write off and had a really tough few days. His house with his ex wife is being sold this week so he has been moving things out and I think he is having to deal with reality now.

We would usually talk daily, say goodnight every night, send selfies etc. All of this has stopped since a few days ago he admitted he was basically having an emotional breakdown and the only texts I've had are short replies to my messages. We were meant to see each other last week and when I texted to confirm he cancelled as was busy moving. The other night I asked how he was and just asked are we okay as I was feeling anxious. He apologised and said we were fine and just that he was having a hard time. He then found our first photo together and sent that with heart emojis. I know this isn't about me but it's making me anxious about him ending things. He's also on social media constantly but doesn't seem to have energy for me.

We are meant to see each other this week if he gets everything sorted. What's the best approach to deal with this? Just give him complete space and see what happens?

i would follow his cues. I mean this gently, but this isn’t about you - it’s about him. He’s clearly dealing with a lot and he has said he thinks you two are fine. I understand you’re anxious but you’re transferring that to him.

Just give him space. He'll just need time to process whats happening. Send him a text saying you hope he's OK. You know its a difficult time and you're there if he needs support. Sounds like your relationship is fine he's just dealing with a lot

I would give him space. I went through similar with DP a few months after we met. His divorce was getting finalised (they had been separated for years) and he was dealing with the emotions that brought up. He finds it difficult to talk about emotions so deals with it by putting up the brick wall. I think a lot of men do this. Particularly when it comes to things like divorce.

I also found this pretty anxiety inducing at the time! But he worked through it, came back when he was ready, and we have been great ever since. I think he appreciated me not pushing him and giving him the time he needs. He is actually now much better at talking about things, I think partly because I didn’t force him to.

Just let him be, check in occasionally, and folllow his lead. If he is going to do a slow fade on you and end things then it’s going to happen whatever you do. Projecting your anxiety onto him isn’t going to prevent that

Thanks all really trying to keep the anxiety to myself, just worried he won't reach out once things settle down but agree that me pushing him will probably make that more likely

How long has she been an ex wife for?

He needs space. Give it to him.

He’s asked for space, give him space. I had a version of this in my last relationship - dealing with lots of heavy divorce stuff, asking for a bit of time to just be in my own head and process things, and my (female) partner checking in anxiously at frequent intervals. It made a difficult situation more difficult.

He needs space, even if he didn’t want to save his marriage, it’s still difficult and he’s probably physically tired too. Theres probably a lot to process and having someone being anxious isn’t going to help. Put it this way your relationship may work out it may not but not giving him space will not improve the chances of it succeeding.

I think the anxiety inducing thing is that I offered space and to take a break before things got so heavy and he said no then has kept trying to commit to plans he can't keep but I can obviously see he needs space and just didn't communicate that

Give him space. I speak from experience - I met my DP when he was mid divorce and he went through a similar run of emotions.

Back off - just send him one message to let him know you’re thinking of him but don’t ask any questions of how he is etc. Nothing about how it’s making you feel etc. He needs time to process everything that’s going on without feeling external pressure to be the person you want him to be. He probably can’t be the person you need him to be right now either so he will likely just shut down if pushed

There's a chance he won't.

I think you need to accept that this is something you have no control over. You need to step back and either wait for him to get past this difficult time and come back to you or step back and assess whether him closing himself off to you when things get tough works for you.

Anxiety in these situations is rarely helpful (and i speak as an anxious person). There are no guarantees ever but, as you have said, you are more likely to lose him if you push for his attention at this difficult time. It’s hard but try to trust the process. Now is a time for you to get very busy and interested in other things. Drop him supportive messages intermittently (maybe every couple of days or so) but otherwise take your focus off him for a while.

You're only with him 6 months. If I were you I would consider walking away. He doesn't sound ready for a relationship and surely 6 months in you should be having the time of your life!

Is he really worth all this stress after just six months?

I am in the exact same situation as you, and it is really making me uncomfortable. We have been dating for three months, but a lot has happened in that time. we’ve spent so much quality time together doing house date sleep over, traveling, and meeting his friends and family. I’ve actually told him more about myself than I did my ex-husband of 20 years, so I don't think the length of time you've been together is what matters.
I can totally feel your pain. My boyfriend is having an extremely tough time at both work and a personal level. It all kicked in last week; he managed to communicate up until the weekend, but now he is totally shut off. I really feel for him as what he is going through is a lot but I am also in pain.
I sent him a message saying that I won't keep chasing him or asking how his day is going, and just to let me know when he's okay to talk. I guess I'll just wait... but it is killing me.

I'd give him lots of space, as in no contact. Is his divorce final?

He's in the headspace of dealing with the aftermath of his marriage ending and I don't think that mindset is compatible with starting a new relationship. He has a lot of business to deal with, and a lot of that is emotional fallout. There's no space for you right now, much less to center you.

If he gets in touch, ask him where his head is really at. Being a rebound may work, may not, but it is not a really healthy spot for you to be in.

This is my point of view as wel.
I have a friend in this exact scenario. I have the same reservations here.

Since you'd been mostly the one initiating messages which he briefly responded to, change it up and let him be the one to initiate first. I don't think you should've asked him over text if you two are okay. I believe serious discussion should only be done in person.

I know you'll feel anxious when wanting to continue a relationship you've been enjoying, but always strive to have a fulfilling life outside of dating so that you'll be more resilient if a break up happens. Regularly meeting up with friends and having hobbies/interests to keep you occupied when getting together with a bf isn't happening for a while, such as instances presently happening is the best way to stay mentally strong and happy.

It's okay to be put on the back burner with a partner like this temporarily, if it's not a time they choose not to need your presence and support. But do have standards that if this period becomes too lengthy, and if this keeps regularly happening, that a partner shouldn't be treating you like a yo-yo they can ignore and then reel back when the mood strikes.

You don't say how long he's been divorced. You might be the rebound relationship. Normally, if a person has been married a long time, their usually not mentally ready to enter into a longterm serious relationship right away. If he now distances himself for too long a period and stops putting in effort, he might've realized he's been fooling himself that he's ready for a LTR.

Maybe not and this will be one time thing. As said, keep yourself busy with fun things for now and have a wait-and-see attitude. Tell yourself you're strong enough to handle whatever the outcome. Good self-talk is always a good practice. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

So he found the energy to text when he wanted to come round late on the other night. We enjoyed ourselves and he was being affectionate, telling me he loves me and apologising for the radio silence. We made plans for tonight and he's flaked again with me having to text and it's making me a complete anxious mess. I'm feeling that it's just stringing me along when it's convenient and he wants sex rather than the situation he's in. Very confusing when he's lovely and telling me he loves me in person but I feel like he doesn't want to be with me the rest of the time. Probably ruined it now anyway after sending an anxious text.

This 'relationship' is not doing you any favours. I'd seriously consider whether to continue.

Why are you an anxious mess and sending a text which I'm assuming is another message of, "Are we okay?" Speaks of your low self-worth and acting like a quivering violet instead of a strong woman who should be pissed off and never again allowing being treated like an insignificant yo-yo.

Standing up to him on how you're worth better treatment will be useless as he just doesn't care enough. Time to take the garbage out. And, no, people don't bring garbage back into the house so wash your hands and be done.

Take notice of what he does, not what he says. He messages when he wants something from you. When you want something from him he gives a few crumbs (to shut you up) then goes back to doing what he wants.