Resentment

[Frances1305]

For most of my married live- 40 yrs- I’ve resented the life I’ve lead. I blame my husband for leading us down the path we followed and I’ve been unhappy for the whole of that time. We had no social life and never went out without our children - he wouldn’t get anyone to baby sit. We were very tied to the business we ran. When we retired 11 yrs ago I hoped things would change, more breaks and holidays for longer than 10 days. It hadn’t happened and I’ve realised I fell out of love many years ago. In fact, I don’t really like my husband any more. Things are even harder now as our youngest daughter has a baby and she’s gone back to work. Both sets of grandparents help but we have her one day more. My husband delights in babysitting and jumps at the chance often saying how lovely it is that our daughter and son in law can have a break. The breaks that we never had, in fact, our first night out was when the children were 8 and 5.
Im starting to feel really depressed about the whole situation. When I told him a few months ago that I resented the fact he and I never went out all he said was sorry. When I comment on others he asks why I can’t be contented with what I have or just because others go out and socialise or have frequent holidays that doesn’t mean they’re happy.
i don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life.

Totally irrelevant questions from that first poster.

Youve told your husband how you feel, he's pushed it back on to you and to shut you down as he's happy. Tell him again how you feel and let him know that things have to change.

Why do you need to rely on your husband for a social life and holidays?

Resentment is like drinking your own poison so stop that

How about you send a strong message to your husband that you are close to the door?

However be warned he is highly unlikely to change now

Imo just make an exit plan then go and start living your life

I think it is really important that both spouses can pursue their separate interests as well as doing the together part and this is especially important in retirement. If you have spent 40 years doing the together part and not pursuing what you want to, no wonder you are not content.

What would happen if you did go and do your own thing? I am not necessarily talking holidays here.

You are not tied to the grandchildren every week. If he wants to be that is fine, but that doesn't stop you taking trips of your own.

Pretty much what @GOODCAT said.
He has built his life round this tight knit little family unit and he's now extended that to grandchildren. No thought for what you may have wanted then or want now.
So what do you want now?
No rush, think long and hard. Then act to make it happen for you. Maybe just a day out by yourself or maybe a little one bedroom flat just for you.
Never too late to do what you want instead of him

If I am honest, with most of my friends it is the grannies who insist on the grand child care and babysitting. Most husbands are the ones who want easy retirements and holidays.
I have loads of friends and an active social life with my female mates. Many of my friends are the school gate Mums that I met 30 odd years ago. We socialise with and without husbands. We support the two friends who have been widowed. I never expected my husband to provide a social life for me. I knew I had to be the one who made friends.
You can leave any time you want OP but remember the grass can look greener until you try it. You don’t love your husband anymore so you can leave. However, if you have never made an effort with friends it can be much harder as you get older. The only female friend who left her husband is still bitter seven years later that he coupled up again within two years. She is lonely and she has no one to do amazing holidays with. She has found the whole freedom thing very hard in her sixties and going into her seventies.
Do what you want but think carefully about what you really want.

Is he an introvert and you are an extrovert? As others have said, in this phase of life you have choices, just socialise without him
and enjoy family time with him?
Did you not feel able to give a point of view at the beginning of your marriage about socialising and whether to run your business? I suppose I’m kindly saying that unless he was abusive you may want to reflect on your responsibility in terms of how your life worked out. Could you have made different choices many years ago to enable change or compromise?

Why have you put up with this for so long?
Don't put up with it any longer.
Decide on the life you want to live and live it.

My mum used to moan that she couldn’t go anywhere because Dad didn’t want to. She hated it when her bluff was called. She had no ideas what she wanted to do or would make excuses.

You have gone along with it. Why? You don’t need babysitters now to go out with friends or go out to make friends.

Anyway. No point looking back or blaming your current sadness on someone else. Resentment only hurts you. Now you’ve articulated what you’re sad about can you do something about it? He won’t change as he’s happy so you need to do things for you. How old are you? Some volunteer work? New hobby? What do you enjoy doing? Yoga? Book club? Cookery class? Local ramblers?

You have much to be thankful for. A steady and secure life and a close family. It hasn’t been a wasted life. Sorry you’re feeling down. Now go and do something about it.

It does sound like you’ve been a bit of a passenger in your own life, OP. Why have you let your husband call all the shots? Why didn’t you make your own social life and/or pursue some interests independently of him? In any case, now is the time to start doing some of the things that interest you and that you enjoy.

It's no good having a go at him for the past.

You've gone along with his preferences all these years - and unless you're afraid of him and had to - part of the responsibility for the life you've led is yours.

Good news is, it's never too late to change things up. So he doesn't want to socialise or go away, it doesn't mean you can't. You're not joined at the hip.

Strike out on your own, join groups, go on a trip.

Why can’t you go out or on holidays? Is it because of finances or because your husband doesn’t want to?

If the latter, start making plans of your own. Do what you can to make new friends, via new hobbies or groups, and start having a social life of your own.

That said, I understand the desire to do this stuff with your husband. Do you know why he isn’t interested? Have you talked to him about it? If you make the plans will he come along or will he just refuse?

Why don't you think about planning a trip for yourself? It would give you time away from your husband and might help you understand what you want from the rest of your life. If you are not confident to travel on your own there are lots of singles travel sites on Facebook and there are plenty for different age groups.