How can I politely refuse to reconnect with a difficult former acquaintance?

[Hayles2]

There was a guy I was an acquaintance with at a social group. I tried so many times to help him as group members had reported him to me but he became even more demanding and pestering me every day.

The final straw was 8 months ago he twisted around to my friend of 20 years telling her I had been saying bad things about her when in fact it was him. I knew the things she said was what he told me and I used to tell him not to talk about her like that. I phoned and confronted him with her there and he was a coward and denied it. He quickly blocked me on Facebook Messenger and I blocked him on all other platforms.

She messaged last night saying life is too short and he wants to be friends again. I have no idea why she continued to speak to him after he tried to destroy our friendship.

I think she is being unreasonable expecting me to be friends with him again. He has been untrustworthy, used to tell me everyone’s business so must tell mine business to others and he thought triangulation with my friend was acceptable.

I have not missed his harassment the last 8 months and won’t gain anything being ‘friends’ again with him as he would just bombard me again and has no respect. How can I politely tell her no thanks and explain how toxic he is?

Can't you just tell her that he made a lot of trouble between you in the past and you don't want any connection to him anymore?

In trying to get my head around context.

But you're a grown up 🙁do as you please

just point out that you only have so much time yourself and you get to choose who you spend it with.

Just tell her life is too short for you to be surrounded by his drama....

“No thank you” end of conversation.

You can just say that he's not the kind of person you get on with, you've nothing against him but you don't have the desire to be friends.

This,did she believe his lies then?

Just tell her you don’t invite trouble makers back into your life. The end.

"I just think the relationships run its course, i've moved on from it and have no desire to revisit it"

If she's really your friend can you not just tell her what you've written above?

What do you mean people "reported" him to you? Reported issues with his behaviour?

It’s really not kind when people try to make out you’re unreasonable for not hanging out with people who have shown themselves to be mean. It’s a nasty trick that she has played by painting you as unreasonable. I’d be careful about what you are sharing with her.

He was pestering women in the group for dating purposes so I had a word with him. He knew I had a partner and he used to work with my partner. I don’t think it was appropriate for him to have been pestering me so much,m.

She can be friends with him if she likes, but you've every right to explain why you don't want to. Or not explain at all just say no. It's more trouble than it's worth.
I'd be asking her if she remembers what he was like before?

Life is too short to not remember that leopards don’t change their spots.

He sounds awful. This guy pesters women and has actively made trouble for you and women you know in the past. Of course, you don't want him back in your life and I wonder why your friend is willing to let him back in.

As for being "friends again": friends do not behave the way he has so he was never your friend. Whether life is short or long, the fact that he is toxic and a troublemaker is good enough reason not to have him in your life. You're not obliged to explain - you can just say no; but if you want to explain just tell her he's burnt his bridges with you, he mistreats women, you have realised that he was in fact never your friend and you have no interest in seeing him again.

I had this years ago with a good friend who carried on socialising with dodgy ex. In the end I had to distance myself from her as she just didn’t understand that he was manipulating her to get information about my then circumstances and as id had to effectively go in to hiding (diff job, diff area etc) it was just too risky.
She eventually stopped socialising with the ex once he started similar behavior with her (she was no longer useful).
The irony is that it was years later when she was herself in an abusive relationship that she finally understood the issue and we were able to talk about it.
I don’t think there was any malice on her part, just very naive and genuinely couldn’t understand how someone could appear like great person whilst being a manipulative abuser.
she herself was one of the kindest most caring souls I’ve known so it was a hard thing to do but I had to stay safe.

Why be even polite about refusing to engage with this horrible man again? Life’s too short to be bothered with a liar and a creep who pesters women and stirs up trouble. Just say that - why even bother to sugar coat it?