Apologies for the very long read.
I’m 36F and have had a complicated relationship with my DM since I was 11–12. As an adult, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her emotionally abusive behaviour. I don’t want to cut contact; I want to make peace, but I don’t know how.
She was one of three children, raised in what looked from the outside like a nice family in the 60s/70s. Her own mother was, by all accounts, emotionally neglectful and seemed to have no ability to show love. I suspect my GM was autistic, and I think some family difficulties may stem from this. I’m ND, as is my brother, and I suspect my DM may also have some undiagnosed autistic traits.
My DF suddenly died when I was 15. He and my DM were happily married, and his death obviously destroyed us all. My DM has sometimes acknowledged that she wasn’t a perfect parent during that period, attributing some behaviour to grief. But the toxic behaviour started years before his death and continued long after the acute grief, and 20 years later it is still happening.
My sister loves and respects my mother completely. My brother hates her because of the same behaviour that has damaged me.
I’ve lived abroad since I was a teenager, partly to escape the grief but largely to escape this relationship. We now only spend around 9–15 days together per year: I visit 1–2 times and stay 5–7 days; she visits roughly once a year for around 4 days. Because visits involve living under the same roof, the intensity can be high.
There are 25 years of examples, but the main patterns are:
- No physical affection pretty much at all, and very little verbal affection. I’ve probably heard “I love you” fewer than 10 times in 25 years.
- She constantly criticises and badmouths me and my brother (and others) to others, portraying us as rude, stupid, manipulative or out of control.
- She tries to turn people against each other—siblings, spouses, in-laws, friends—and seems to do this in other relationships too, enjoying the control element in it.
- She has very little emotional control and, when angry, says extremely cruel things, including “no one will ever love you”, “you’re a manipulating b**”, “you’re mentally ill/should be locked up”, “you’re out of control”, and comments blaming my parenting for my ND child’s meltdowns.
- She has told me my 5 year old DS is manipulative and has used my child’s ND traits as insults.
- She once told me my father’s death affected her more because he was her husband and “only your dad”.
- She would call my brother stupid when he struggled with ADD as a teenager.
- She never comforts us when upset or crying; uncomfortable emotions trigger anger in her.
- As adults, she almost never initiates contact nor phone nor message.
- Her relationships with friends, her husband, and other family members are similarly toxic, often involving fallouts, ghosting, blame and a complete lack of accountability.
- She slapped or attempted to slap me in the face during my teens many times. I undoubtedly called her names because I hated her at the time and would fight back or move away when she tried to hit me.
- She has never really complimented us, although she occasionally acknowledges achievements.
- My severe PMDD as a teenager was repeatedly used against me. She portrayed herself as the victim and me as the abuser. She repeatedly left family therapists when they told her that, as the child, I had been the vulnerable party.
My DB and I are actually quite like her: strong personalities, ND, stubborn, humorous and unwilling to tolerate bullying. We fight back rather than people-please. My DSis is not ND and is very much a people pleaser. I think a lot of the conflict with my DB and I comes from the fact that we refuse to accept her behaviour. We give as good as we get, which obviously doesn’t make the relationship healthy, but the dynamic has existed since we were very young teenagers.
She clearly has good qualities also that I don't want completely lost in this: generous, funny, intelligent, will play the helper when needed (airport pick ups, taking you shopping, buying a baby seat for my DS despite him only being in the country a few days every year, etc), cooks lovely meals for everyone, cleans everything beautifully and makes you feel very much at home, even has a room designed just for GC (there's 3 in total with my DS - my DSis has 2) decorated for children and with toys. It's like she is 60-70% this amazing lovely woman and mum and she's downright evil the other 20-30%.
Three years ago, I went completely NC after one particularly vicious rage episode destroyed me when I was already vulnerable. I spent months in heavy therapy and on antidepressants, despite not generally ever suffering from depression. My therapist ultimately viewed it as a PTSD reaction.
Coincidentally, my mother sent me a card saying she missed me around the time I was in full recovery mode. I assumed it was an attempt to reconnect. I stayed semi-distant for another year but eventually rebuilt a fairly stable relationship with her trusting that the NC was enough for her to not make the mistake again. This incident never got spoken about once we re-started contact. For a while everything was okay: monthly contact, one or two visits a year and no major arguments.
Then I visited this July and everything blew up again after 18 months of smooth sailing.
I’m now at the point where I’m simply exhausted. What has changed most is that she is starting to pick on my DS (5yrs). That makes me feel an overwhelming need to protect him, and in those moments I genuinely hate her. My DP witnessed the behaviour during the latest visit and has said he never wants to see her again and isn’t comfortable with her having contact with our DS either.
What do I do?
Letters:
I tried writing letters during my teens and they were ignored. My brother has always refused to do this because he worries anything we write could later be weaponised against us.
Talking:
She is adamantly convinced she has done nothing wrong. Even gentle, well-thought-out criticism triggers an attack. She cannot be vulnerable, appears incapable of apologising, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say “I’m sorry” for anything ever.
NC:
Despite everything, she is my only remaining parent. In the good times, because we are so similar, she can genuinely feel like a very good friend: she’s funny, intelligent, enjoys gossip and can give excellent serious advice. She is also generous financially. After my father died she was left financially very secure and has helped all of us with house deposits, weddings, cars, birthdays and other things. I suspect this is one of the main ways she expresses love, although so much else is missing.
I also don’t want to orphan myself by going NC. My brother has said he would probably never speak to her again if I permanently cut contact, which breaks my heart (despite the above) because I can’t bear the thought of her losing two of her children at once.
Continuing contact:
I could simply restart the cycle: months/year of NC, reconnect when I’m ready, maintain distance, eventually relax because everything seems fine, and then have another huge blow-up. I’m exhausted by this cycle and don’t want my child growing up watching it. He is already beginning to notice differences between his GM and his paternal GPs (who are not themselves any kind of healthy support system either but for completely different reasons).
I want to put my cards on the table, but I don’t want to be attacked for doing so. I’m considering an email.
But how on earth do you communicate honestly with someone who plays the victim, accepts no blame, has been emotionally abusive for decades and genuinely appears to believe none of it happened?
I don’t expect her suddenly to become a different person but I want the toxic behaviour to stop for me, my family and my DB, I also desperately want some accountability. She has become increasingly bitter since my DF died, hates her new marriage, has poor relationships with two of her three children, and seems to believe every conflict with friends/family is entirely their fault. If we say she has hurt us, she calls us dramatic of course.
My therapist of 10 years tells me I will probably never get what I want: I shouldn’t expect an apology, and her behaviour is likely to continue for the rest of her life because it has been entrenched for 60+ years.
But underneath all of this, what my DB and I have wanted our entire lives is simply to feel loved by our DM. She genuinely believes she has been a loving mother. As a damaged child, part of me still desperately hopes that one day she will understand what she has done and learn to love us in the way we need or any child needs for that matter.
I would especially love to hear from anyone who recognises themselves as the mother in this situation—someone who eventually saw the damage they had caused. What made you realise it, and what helped your children get through to you?
Please be kind. There is a lot of PTSD attached to this for me.
Thank you.