Considering separation with two children after counselling and ongoing unhappiness

[OnTheBrink2025]

Feel like my relationship with partner has ended internally.. I’ve been looking at shared ownership and if I can afford to be a “single” parent to my 2 children.

Partner and I had couples counselling beginning of the year, which went well, and we seemed to be doing better, but I’m still not happy.

My partner seems to have contempt towards me. For example today, our tyre had a puncture so we had to get a mobile tyre fitter out. He gave my partner a quote and asked if I had cash downstairs to pay him and he’s reimburse me. I counted out the cash twice, but asked him to double check it for me. He huffed, and rolled his eyes at me.

If I ask him to do something DIY related, he will get exasperated, no matter how I ask, or when I ask it.. I have to really pick a careful time.

If I cry, he says “why are you crying again” or “can we have a conversation without you crying?” I notice that he switches the script if I explain that what he said hurt my feelings, and he will say about my tone. I end up apologising. He often does things again and again which I’ve explained upsets me.

I am not perfect. I am short and snappy, however I’m on maternity leave and have a 4 year old who has is on the spectrum. I also get fed up of continually asking for things to be done, over and over. He also seems to forget everything I tell him, which again hurts because I make a real effort to listen to him.

He’s said before my chat is boring and all I talk about is work, or myself.

He’s never interested in anything I have to say and always seems annoyed at me. I have asked him, if he hates me. Cos that’s how I feel.

He wasn’t at all like this when we first got together and I’m holding on to the hope he will be back to himself. I ask him if he’s depressed and he says “don’t know”. I am at a loss.

I’ve now got to the point where I’ve been looking at shared ownership homes (we have a mortgage together), to see if there are suitable properties out there and if I could afford it.

I would be entitled to child benefit, having looked online so my total income would be around £2650 per month. I’ve calculated bills to roughly be £1800 which leaves me with £850 for saving, sinking funds and general spending.

Does this sound doable? I have 2 children, a baby boy and girl who is about to start school.

I’m scared that I’m starting to actually think like this now, but would like to hear from those who have been in my shoes or currently going through it and how they’ve managed financially and emotionally? Also, how have your children adapted?

Thank you x

Have you factored in Child maintenance or have you
assumed 50:50 childcare? I think you have already decided you are leaving anyway and I can’t blame you as he sounds like a dick

@UpDownAllAround1 I’ve assumed 50:50 so I haven’t factored that in. When I return to work, I will work part time, he works full time.

How can I speak to him about this?

Obviously it's your decision OP, but this doesn't sound like a LTB situation right now. You have two young children and IME it's really, really normal to go through a difficult phase like this when you are both tired and snappy. He wasn't like this when you first get together because you didn't have the stress of two young children. Personally I wouldn't give up on your marriage quite yet. Hang in there and see if things improve.

I was in a relationship exactly like this. We were together almost 5 years and towards the end I felt exactly how you did. He would roll his eyes, hate if I ever spoke about me but we alwsys had to speak about him, if I tried to empathise with him he would say I was trying to turn the conversation around to be about me but, he did nothing around the house, the couple of tbings he did do he did shoddy as he didnt care. i mentally checked out of the relationship and eventually we split and im soooo much happier.

You could potentially have one more very honest conversation—or another period of individual/couples counselling—where the issue isn’t “How do we stop arguing?” but:
“I don’t feel loved or respected in this relationship anymore, and I’m seriously questioning whether I can stay. I need to know whether you genuinely want to work on changing this.”
Then pay attention not just to what he says, but to what he does consistently afterwards.

Have you considered going back to couples counselling and telling him and your counsellor what you’ve told us here?

I was going to echo another poster. With a four year old and a baby, you’re both going to be exhausted and at your worst. Relationships have ups and downs and take a lot of work sometimes.

Only you will know if it’s worth saving and if it can be saved.

I think life's too short to be miserable. To be made miserable by the person who is supposed to have your back.
Are you a team in other ways? Housework, childcare etc?
What went well about the counselling?

Is it possible to resume the couples counselling?

I have asked him, if he hates me. Cos that’s how I feel.

What was his response to this? He needs to understand that contempt is going to wreck your relationship, that you've been looking at what a separation would look like, and unless he is happy to watch that happen you both need to dig in until the baby is school age and see if you can make things more respectful.

I would go back, and work through what is going on for both of you, with the counsellor. It's cheaper than a divorce.