Leaving a Narc emotional rollercoaster

[midlifenewlife]

So I posted around a week or so ago about leaving my relationship of 8 years. He has since moved out but lots of stuff still at my house to be collected.

since separating and looking into things I have established he is definitely a narcissist and honeslty i am a bit of a mess.

I am a sensible person, how did I fall for this? How did I let this into my life and for so long?

im scared of starting over again, and what this has done to me.

he has spent the last 8 years turning every argument onto me. Pushing every boundary I put in place, financially, emotionally, sexually and I’ll be honest it’s broken me.

I am currently grey rocking and want to get his stuff out so I can go NC. It’s so hard. We’ve had ‘talks’ and he obviously says all the right things. But actions won’t follow, they never have. After a talk he then sent a really inappropriate message (sexual and about something I have explicitly made clear I don’t like), so I put an end to any conversation and just ignored him he already showed me within 2 days of what was ‘saying all the right things’ his actions will always serve him.

this is so draining and I am really struggling and I am so upset with myself.

Since you have broken up, the best thing to do will be to have a clean break and neither see nor speak to him any more. Block
him on socials.

Tell him he can collect his stuff on X date or Y date and arrange to be out, then block him on your phone.

It doesn’t matter what the definition of his behaviour is or how you fell for it, there is no real reason to dwell on the past except if you think there is anything you can learn that will help you choose a decent person who treats you well next time.

Look to the future and protect yourself from him.

Hire a storage unit, ask a friend to help move all his stuff into it.

send him a text with the details of how to access it and inform him it has been paid for for 1 month and he can collect it any time within that timeframe.

then block on all channels

Tell him he can collect his stuff on X date or Y date and arrange to be out

Having been in the same situation, I disagree with this. There's no knowing what he'll do if you're not there @midlifenewlife , he is not to be trusted. Can you pack his stuff up yourself and have it delivered to him? Or at least have someone with you if he needs to come for it himself. Can you at least move it all to the door so he has no need to come in?

ETA: that's a good idea from @Temporaryname158 .

I agree that it is better to block him on everything. As tempting as it can be to see what they're up to it will do you no good. The less they are in your brain the quicker you will heal. Ask me how I know this!

It took me a long time to unpick everything he'd put me through and become myself again. I found that was necessary - as he had rewritten our life to suit his narrative I had to rewrite it to see it for what it had actually been, not what he manipulated me to thinking it was at the time.

There are those who will say "Forget about him, move on!" - if only that were possible. People who haven't been through such abuse don't understand how it gets under your skin, the spell they put on you. It can happen to any of us @midlifenewlife , very often strong, intelligent women, as that's what they want to be.

Shadows of Control and Elizabeth Shaw Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse are very useful - you will recognise so much of what they say, which will help you see it's not you and not your fault.

So work through what you need to, I found Women's Aid a great help, and of course speaking on here has been very healing; but to concentrate on keeping your head free of him do things for yourself - whether it's changing a room layout, cleaning your windows, spending time with your loved ones who feed your soul, going for a walk in the park, anything that gets you out of your head. It's hard to begin with but you'll get used to filling your life with other stuff and then the calm will start seeping in.

You need to build yourself up to a whole before even considering starting over again. Life is very peaceful after such relationships, embrace that, relish it

I do have him blocked on everything except WhatsApp to communicate about him getting his things.

the plan is to sort them out this week as I am off work. You are right I need to start looking forwards and not dwelling on it. I’d love to just wake in a month when it’s all dealt with and starting to feel a bit better!

I know where he is staying so think I’m just going to drop it all round there. As I don’t want his stuff in the unit in my name! He has form for financial issues, so I don’t want to be tied to anything like that in any way.

Thankyou!

you are right I don’t want him coming here to collect his stuff. I’m going to sort it all out this week and get it all together and either drop it or move it into the garage so it’s not in the house. I have already changed the locks.

I will have a look at the 2 things you suggested I think reading and listening to things that explain it will help me right now to process it. It’s as you say not so simple as just moving on. I have seen my GP and also been to see a counsellor who I am going to see a few times more.

I am ready to start rebuilding me. I don’t want to be looking for anything new relationship wise for some time. I need some time to find myself first.

That's good to hear @midlifenewlife , you're heading in the right direction. It'll take time, you'll have the odd trip up but it'll be just a scrape, no breakages, but you will get there, take all the time you need.

There's always someone here if you have a wobble, need a shoulder or a rant, or just to tell us about your new cushions ❤

Thankyou!

That’s what I need, some hand holding and not feeling so lonely. I do have family and friends IRL but aware I don’t want to bore them to death constantly talking about it

As much as our family and friends are or can be a brilliant support (and what a joy it is to be able to speak to and see them without repercussions!) it's often speaking to people who have been through what basically boils down to the same thing, as they all follow the same Rule Book, that makes all the difference. It's being heard but also understood. And believed, because some of their behaviours can be so bizarre you wouldn't believe it if you hadn't experienced it.

Once you're a bit further down the line you'll probably look back and wonder "Did that really happen? " to many events.

I found at the stage where you are now that writing down what was going through my head very helpful. I also wrote to him, nothing that I would ever send, that's never a good idea, but it just got my feelings out and onto the paper. I sometimes come across scraps when tidying out a drawer and see how far I've come since I wrote it. Worth bearing in mind if you're having a 'moment'

That’s a really good idea RE writing things down, I’m going to do that.

im listening to a book which is helping as its him to a T. And helping the, ‘but what if it was me?’ Reminding me it really wasn’t!

im going to start writing my thoughts down. But also writing to him is a good idea, as I just want to shake him and be like can you really not see it? Wtf!? But as you say really bad idea.

it’s the push/pull behaviour that messes up your mind! I’m ready to get back to being me.

Being able to see the wood now that you're out of the trees @midlifenewlife can be really quite shocking. But it's good to learn that it wasn't you, it was only your inner strength that he was so desperate to crush.

And yes, at wanting him to see it. But he did. Twisting yourself into a pretzel, as they say, in an effort to get him to understand your point of view was food for his twisted soul, he enjoyed seeing your desperate efforts. He knew fine what you meant, and that you were right. He just wanted to watch you struggle with a pointless endeavour.

They really are a weirdly wired bunch of inadequates. We blossom without them in our lives

Thankyou for listening and understanding. It really does help ❤️