Help with my relationship - if anyone even can?!

[Thumper123]

Hello :)

Long time follower and haven’t posted in a long long long time. I’m in a real pickle with my relationship and I need some advice from people who have been here.

For back story I have been with my partner 14 years. We have two children DD2 and DS 7. I will do my best to be concise and accurate.

my partner has always been stuck in his ways, quite hard to please and prefers things his way. His family joked about it and it was clear from when I first got with him. However, when we first got together there was a fondness to him, clear spark and almost endearing element to this part of his personality.

Skip forward to 14 years and this part of his personality has become a bit worse. I’m pretty good at being patient and just agreeing but as I’ve got older I stand my ground much more now and I’m way more opinionated then I used to be. My main issue is that he is much more grumpy than he used to be. He talks down to me infront of my son, when he’s in one of those moods, telling me to shut up, go away and will happily argue infront of the kids but I absolutely can’t stand it and do my best to avoid this. On the occasions I have snapped I beat myself up so much after and feel like I’ve failed my kids.

Tonight he was annoyed at the dinner I made and the way I folded my son’s shirts as they weren’t neat enough. He told me to go away a few times so I went out for a run and have essentially told him I can’t do this anymore and need a break to see if this will help him realise the impact of his actions and hopefully we don’t have to break our family up, as I’m pretty done. I’ve suggested therapy, going out to really talk but he won’t do any of it.

He’s kicked off saying that I am just tired and hungry and I’ve made this into a bigger issue than it needs to be (gaslighting?) and will no doubt try and be normal tomorrow, but I think I want to seperate. Where do I go from here? Does it get easier sharing your kids as I don’t know how I will cope? Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks ☺️

hello, I found myself in the same situation. I have begun the process of separation after sitting on this fence forever x

How did you start it? Have you sought legal advice? I am not married and we own a home together. X

Sorry I also should have said I’m so sorry to hear that and you are incredibly brave. I’ve honestly never been so heartbroken and scared in my life. 😢

I am a single mum to an almost 7 year old and a 2 year old and I coparent with their dad. It’s a bit confusing for the eldest at first but honestly they’re fine - they get two summer holidays and two homes and two Christmases etc and I am so so much happier now. I also get little child free breaks which helped me gain back some of my identity which I lost in my crappy relationship and raising babies and toddlers for 6 years!

Staying and being miserable will always have a bigger impact on kids than people consider when they stay together for the kids - they never really see a happy mum, a fulfilled mum, a mum modelling healthy boundaries and relationships etc.

Now me and my kids have little house together, our sanctuary and it’s blissful - everything on our terms, how we like it and with no grumpy man stomping around blaming his bad mood on everyone else!

Did you have huge amounts saved when you left? The sad thing is I have moments when I don’t want it then I have moments like tonight when I know deep down I can’t stay. 😢

Did you have to go through court or do you co parent well with their dad? X

If he'd agreed to couples therapy that might've helped, but since he's refused, you can't stay and be abused. There's a big difference, as you know, between constructive arguments and plain verbal abuse, which only serves to eat away at any love you once had for him.

I'd certainly go through the courts to get custody payments and custody schedules handled legally and fairly. If he's hard to deal with once custody arrangements come into play, you can cross that bridge when you have to come to it with possible forced mediation.

My kids were much older than yours when my first marriage ended, but I'm certainly glad I made that decision. Nice to be able to start anew and build a better life. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Do little things to pamper yourself while having to handle the tough tasks.

Yes, I went to see a lawyer for an initial conversation. Told him one very surreal afternoon (there is never a right time). He hasn’t taken it well but deep down I knew I had to take the plunge. Was a nagging, constant knowing over many months/possibly years. Doesn’t mean I haven’t been sad too. Hard to not confuse connection with attachment. I didn’t want to live with regrets of always wondering what if. Give it a good shot but if things don’t improve, be brave.

Thanks for the kind and honest responses. After a bit of an emotional tiff last night and some honest exchanges today I’ve told him how unhappy I am and that I need some space (not the first time I’ve said this but it feels different). I’ve asked to postpone the sale of our renovation that has just been done and told him that it’s normal to the kids at home, but that I’m taking a step back. I need to get my ducks in a row and just get through the rest of the summer holidays as I have the kids every day and sit on this for a moment I think. I’m hoping the atmosphere at home won’t be unbearable x

No but my parents really supported me and pitched in which was very lucky. They helped get me sorted and to move back to my home town

I just let it all go (it was his affair and he left me) and focused on the kids and we get on fine. I won’t let my kids think we don’t get on because I love them too much to confuse them and upset them that much and I don’t want them dragged through court proceedings. Luckily his guilt made him amenable and we have both been accommodating but that approach takes two - I would highly recommend empowering yourself by rising above pettiness though, it’s given me so much strength to be free from jealousy and resentment and hatred

Tricky thing here is he doesn’t want this to end and he thinks I’m being dramatic. He’s saying that this is just life with kids getting stressful, all couples argue etc (very much down playing it all).

He tried to be completely normal with me last night and I didn’t allow it. This morning we are being civil; l’ve made him a coffee etc but I don’t know where to go from here.

I know I want to build my savings up, which is more then doable, before I make any concrete decisions. However, I am aware that this can’t continue as I know this cycle too well now. It will be best behaviour for a few months, until it isn’t again 🤷‍♀️

So he still won't acknowledge or start to address his own behaviours?
Still deflecting the focus to you - You're overtired, you're dramatic etc?
No acceptance that he's over critical and inflexible and his words hurt you?

Don't listen to it.

As PP said, if he'd been willing to try and change the dynamics making you unhappy it would be worth trying, but it sounds like he is as he's perfectly happy telling you to go away and stomping around in a mard, having everything done the way he likes it.

It won't change if he won't engage in reflecting on his own behaviour and you being a real person with feelings. Sounds like currently sees you as a supporting cast member in his life story, to be directed and told how they're feeling in this scene.

Fuck that. Stay strong.

“he was annoyed at the dinner I made and the way I folded my son’s shirts”

I’d tell him to make his own dinner, and ask whether he was volunteering to fold the laundry. It is a very big thing to separate, OP, especially with two young DC, and only you can know whether it’s worth trying to make an effort, or whether you’re done. You know your DC will be devastated if you gi your separate ways. You say, “I know this cycle too well now. It will be best behaviour for a few months, until it isn’t again” - what would your DH say if you were to challenge him with this? If you tell him that you’re fed up with this cycle and that something has to change, would he be amenable or would he think you were being unreasonable? One of many many ways I knew my marriage was done was when I said to ex-DH that I couldn’t put up with things as they were and something had to change, and he said, “Well you just have to put up with it. You’re my wife.” What I’m saying is: is your DH open to discussion or change, or does he just think it’s his way or the highway? It’s really not Ok for him to tell you to shut up and go away, especially if he does it in front of the DC. He needs to know that a) you’re serious about leaving and b) there has to be some serious discussion and willingness to make changes for the benefit of your family. If he’s not prepared to do this, then it’s the end.

Prioritise the children not your own feelings, you knew what he was like when you chose to have two children with him. Nothing you have said suggests that separation would be better for the children, even if it might (only might) be for you.

I agree with everything you said. I certainly am. I can’t literally pack my bags and go as I have nowhere to go and I don’t think shipping the kids to a hotel would help anyone right now, but I’m not letting this return to the “relationship” he wants and I’m just sitting on what I’ve said to him, whilst keeping my cool. Xx

This is exactly where we are at. I’m maintaining my distance and the ball is firmly in his court to try and repair this. I’m focusing on the kids and finishing the summer on a high. X

The kids have been my priority since day one, hence why I’m probably still here. I completely see your point, however we wasn’t this bad and their wasn’t the level of unkindness that has developed as he’s got older. X