Has anyone experienced a relationship ending because of unresolved childhood trauma?

[Clmtxxx]

I've been seeing a guy for around 8 weeks who I really liked and started falling for. We met at dance, clicked instantly and started dating. We had a very intellectual bond, talked for hours about everything, debated, enjoyed fun dates, laughed a lot, had great sex.

Then suddenly after a sweet weekend together at the spa, relaxing and enjoying each others company, he shares the thought that he isnt sure I can give him what he needs and he has an overwhelming fear in his gut that he will hurt me or let me down and he wants to protect me and the only way is by ending this.

His father was an abusive alcoholic and he grew up in a violent home. He seems greatly affected by this, even at 38 years old. He is currently in the midst of therapy.

My experience of him is caring, protective, loving and affectionate, slightly people pleasy, very much wanting to look after me and he was very understanding, compassionate etc. He was consistent, words and actions matching and very clearly genuinely cared for me and spoke very highly of me (not just physical).

He struggled to end it, it took him a couple of days of over explaining and assuring me that its not that theres anything wrong with me and that he thinks im wonderful and thats basically the problem - I am too good for him and he is terrified he will hurt me and I deserve someone just as good as I am who doesnt have all these issues and trauma. He was so conflicted and I could see it in his messages just how much he tore over this. He cried a lot.

I tried to reassure him, and he accepted how I felt and what I was saying, but he just cannot take the risk of developing deeper feelings and possibly having to experience heartbreak later down the line.

Theres obviously a lot more background and nuance but I cant type it all out.

I am absolutely gutted and shattered because he is probably right, and I just want to be there for him and love him as he should have been.

I am also angry for many reasons, obviously - the cowardly exit, feeling somewhat lead on, disbelief and not really getting why he was pushing something away he desperately wants (connection), making decisions for me about what I can and cant give.

Its just a whole other kind of heartbreak. He doesnt want to lose me but I cannot be his friend I dont think.

I am going to miss him so much. 8 weeks isnt long, but I feel deeply and connect deeply to very few people. He was one of them people.

Has anyone else had this painful no way to fix it relationship before?

Can anyone shed light on the affects of this trauma on adult relationships so I can try to understand?

I dont really know what to do. I am processing so much.

He clearly needs to get the help he needs. He probably right not to get into a relationship. I think you're overreacting. Youve only been sering him a few weeks. You hardly know him.

Step away. This sounds far too complicated and like he. Needs professional help. My first thought was that actually this is laying the grounds for abusive behaviour. I may well be wrong but either way he needs help and support that a relationship will not give him.

It sounds like he is doing the right thing going to therapy but that he hasn’t fully processed or worked through the trauma yet. Ultimately he’s not right for you, right now. It’s a shame that it took him 8 weeks to realise that but there we go. Don’t overthink this. Dust yourself off and move on.

I get it.
I had some awful childhood trauma. Some so bad my brain had blocked them out entirely. But even the ones I had access to were bad enough to terrify me about becoming a father.
I couldn't explain why properly back then. But I was firmly no children. It almost broke the relationship I had then to my now wife. But she fell pregnant (we were a bit drunk and careless) and it felt my world was imploding.
But then I bucked up and faced being a dad.
The birth of our daughter was the best day ever (also highly traumatic with emergency contact section) but I became a dad!
Now my daughter is almost fully grown. She asks me for advice, we share jokes. She tells me when she is scared knowing i will stand between anything and her. We play silly games and laugh a lot. I've done well because I had the perfect example of what not to do. I also had my grandad as a shining example of love and family.
So I just picked him as my role model.
We now have two children and they are everything to me. Sometimes you have to face those fears to realise trauma does make you stronger and if you use it it can make you better.
I wouldnt change a thing from my past. My daughter taught me that to regret is to wish for a different now. And that now may not have her in it so I choose to live without regret or fear of the past.

What made you face your fear rather than run?

This guy is saying he is learning from his mistakes by leaving when his gut tells him to, when actually, he is just running from.....a good woman?

Not to discredit him. But I cant get my head around it and he doesnt seem to be able to either.

He's probably right. Childhood trauma can easily impact you for life, and when it's touching on your relationships it can be incredibly disruptive. But if he's that aware of it, he really should be getting therapy.

For what it's worth, I've been with someone like that who didn't end it early, and also didn't try to deal with it at all. It was probably the worst decision I ever made. He's probably done you a favour.

Yes I have I’ve experience of this. I could probably say all of my relationships have ended as a result of my low self esteem (choosing abusive or unstable partners) or my own limitations with intimacy even with people who were more suitable and stable. I can only add it is a lonely place to be. Hope you meet someone else

I once read a wise thing that said you can’t fall in love with or date someone’s potential, only the person in front of you now

Believe him. He knows himself and what he’s capable of. It’s easy to offer an amazing 8 week experience, but I doubt you saw his true self. At least he was honest enough to admit it. I hope he’ll get the help he needs. As for you - enjoy the lovely memories of time spent together, and count your blessings that it ended.

Please listen to him, he's being honest, living with someone with unresolved issues isn't fun, you can't fix them, even if you give your last bit of energy, and you will. Until they go through the work needed to live and deal with their past. All your efforts and backwards bending can be seen in same light as previous abusers, you will take full force of their pain and fear. It sounds like a test of your love and you can push through, but none of this will happen until therapy work, works. 8 weeks and he knows hes fighting to hold it together, listen to him. Your not magically going to sort him, you can placate, change, and exhaust yourself, probably love them, but resent the fact your caring and not getting anything back, which he is telling you he isn't capable of yet.
Big hugs goodbye, and leave door open for future rekindling after lots of therapy and emotional work.
Hurt people, hurt people it's a sad fact, not always meant, but it happens.

You need to accept his decision. It doesn't matter that you feel he was perfect, he has decided this relationship was not right for him.

Yes I have had a man end the relationship due to his childhood trauma. And in all honesty, looking back it really, really was for the best.

You have no idea what you would be entering into in a relationship with this man but he does and he has decided he does not want that. You need to accept that.

Yes my DP is very much like this. We had a stop/start relationship for many months as he wasn’t sure he was able to be in a relationship and as soon as things got serious he would wobble. He was still hung up on an ex when we met which didn’t help, but he has trouble with goodbyes generally so it’s part of his pattern.

He’s had ALLLLLL the therapy and tried every medication going to try and help him (prescribed and recreational).

He’s given up alcohol (8 years now) which has helped prevent some of the destructive behaviour from his previous relationships, which have mainly been absolute shitshows, and he was scared this one would be too but he sounds like he has changed a lot since then.

We split up at one point but remained in contact, gradually spending time together without pressure and things evolved back into a relationship. He’s still having therapy, still on anti anxiety meds and still doing whatever he can to address his issues. I love him and he loves me so we’re doing what we can to support each other as we both know we’d rather be together than not at this stage.

If your boyfriend isn’t there yet then you need to let him go. I likened it to holding a bird, I felt like I needed to be very gentle with him and not try to hold on or he would fly. He’s since said the same about me since we’ve been back together! We’ve had to loosen our grip on each other and allow each other the freedom to choose each day.

I don’t think it will ever be easy, he needs a lot of reassurance, but he gives so much too, it isn’t one sided.

The difference for me was that he never said he’d end up hurting me - he would say that I deserved someone stronger or better or less weird! But never that he’d end up hurting my feelings with his actions. It was always framed that he wasn’t sure he was capable of love or that he wasn’t in a good place mentally for a relationship. The upshot is the same, but I’d be wary of a man saying what your boyfriend has said because it smacks of “when a man tells you who they are, believe them”. And then you’ll get “well I always told you I’d end up hurting you, so it’s on you”.

It sounds like he has a lot of work still to do, and he’ll be able to do that much more easily on his own. It was obviously a really hard thing for him to do, ending it with you when he genuinely cares about you, so he didn’t choose that lightly. Let him go, tell him you’re here if he needs you. Maybe check in with him a few weeks down the line, show him that he can have people care about him. If there comes a time in the future where he’s in a better frame of mind and you’re both single maybe you can try again. But it will never be a smooth ride with someone carrying that sort of emotional baggage.

He's not running away from a good woman, he's proactively ending a relationship he doesn't want to be in.

To be blunt, you've been dumped. The reasons behind it don't really matter. It doesn't matter whether it's because of his unresolved childhood trauma or just because he doesn't fancy you.

Whatever the reasons behind the dumping, your response to it needs to be the same. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Don't go trying to change his mind, it'll just prolong things. You were only going out a few weeks, it's time to move on.

I wasn't given much of a choice.
The baby was coming and I either needed to run away or be a dad. Running was never an option. It didnt stop me from looking for a way out though. I even suggested the baby might not be mine and that really hurt my now wife at the time. We had been dating for a couple of years at that point and me not wanting a child had forced her to think about our future together and we did break up though it only lasted a couple of weeks as its always been us.
I have some amazing friends too. I sat and talked with a couple of them about my fears over being a dad. And just that act of talking about it helped so much.
A few of us went on a camping weekend to just get away and talk it through. That helped too as they just focused on the good parts of being a dad.
I also had my grandad. Who sadly never met our daughter. But he spoke to me about responsibility and how to be a good dad. He had six kids and they all thought the world of him.

It is not easy facing past trauma. It opens pains that you didnt even know were there. But once out the other side it makes everything easier and shows you just how tough you are.

I would suggest you ask him to sit down and talk. Explain that without the pain of the past his present wouldnt be possible and you would never have had the chance to meet him.
Ask him to talk about his fears and let him know he is not alone and as a team you can work to make that trauma a force for good.

I know what childhood trauma is at its worst. So I make sure my kids never have anything like that in their lives. I also teach them to stand up for themselves and have made it possible for them to argue against authority, even against me if they need to and understand that with respect and thoughtfulness, if they have a problem with an authority be it a teacher or us as parents. They absolutly have the right to argue their side without fear.
Thats something I never had. My dads word was final and to argue was to be punished.
So my kids are stronger for that.
My daughter leads several charitable groups and will stand her ground on her principles against anyone to do the right thing. And she is always respectful but firm when doing so.
Thats one way me and my wife used my trauma to learn how to be better and teach.

Your partner went through a lot and knows the danger of abuse. That gives him the ability to see it and understand how to avoid it or fight against it.

Trauma does not have to repeat. But it does require facing it, support from those who love him. And strength to see and use it to make a change.

It’s such a headfuck for you after 8 lovely weeks. Please really listen to what he is telling you and accept it. This is the real him. Don’t hang onto a wing and a prayer kidding yourself and hoping.

I'm going to answer this from someone who was (is?) in his position. I ended so many relationships for similar reasons.

There is nothing you will he able to say or do to persuade him differently and, tbh, there's little point in trying.

This is where he is right now and until he gets the therapy he needs or is able to work on him self to get to a place where he doesn't feel like or can at least manage it, it wont change.

There is nothing you can do to love him enough for him to see it differently because he is working from a different set of rules and a different blueprint to you and it's written in a different language. He can't understand or recognise your version anymore than you can read or understand his.

You know when you get a really strong gut feeling that you can't ignore because its the only logical thing? The only thing that makes sense to you? That is how he feels. You can't reassure, rationalise or explain it away.

I just want to be there for him and love him as he should have been.

You can't.