Issues with DM

[NimbleLilacGuy]

Hi all,

Having a few issues with my DM at the moment. For context, have been having issues with her since I was about 12/13, we are very chalk and cheese and it really soured over COVID. Despite all the olive branches I give, she seems to always have problems with me, is very patronising and isn't like this with my other siblings. I just find that I cannot spend anytime with her without one of us getting worked up. I really want to love her but I just worry so much damage has been done given our lack of a relationship for the last 7 or so years. She doesn't want to take me on holiday, never invites me to anything and is just so distant from me. I find I get on a lot better with DF but I just worry that given I've now moved out of the family home for most of the year, it will be hard to build any sort of relationship moving forward. It's a real shame given you always see your friends doing wonderful things with their parents (we've never really been a tight-knit family) and just wish that it could be the same with yours. Won't bore anyone with the details of what exactly caused the breakdown in relationship but just a lot of squabbling over small things that culminated in both of us not wanting to talk very much. I really want all of this to be water under the bridge but her personality and her character is really hard to get through, and I sometimes wonder whether it's even worth bothering. I have a good selection of friends my age, so it's hardly as if I'm deprived of any relationships!

You may be able to tell that I am a bit younger than many on this site, but just figured that mumsnet would be a good place to ask for some advice on this.

I think there’s a few things going on here:

• Comparison vs friends’ : I’d say you’re getting a bit of a rosy picture if it’s all lunches and holidays.
• comparison vs your siblings : it’s natural your parents might respond differently to their children based on shared interests, approaches, etc. It doesn’t mean less love, just navigating into a relationship that mutually works
• your own relationship : it sounds as if ongoing interactions still lead to conflict. So try changing the format of those interactions - only pop round for a short coffee/lunch; do an activity vs sitting together talking; etc to build up more positive momentum

fwiw I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. I love her, but I recognise that I don’t particularly like her and find it hard to give grace and patience at a lot of her choices, but I have to just accept that she is who she is and always will be. I’ve had therapy to get there. Good luck

Where are you in the order of siblings? . How do they get on with their parents?.

I would not let your dad off the hook here because it looks like he has failed to protect you from his wife’s excesses of behaviour out of self preservation and want of a quiet life . Is he the sort who has said things like, “well you know what she’s like”, “do not criticise your mother because she’s had a hard life” etc?. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and need a willing enabler to help them, this is often her husband.

I would think that ultimately she is not worth bothering about. Does she have to be always right all the time?. Does she think the world revolves around her?, She has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions has she?. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.
It’s ok to love her and not like her very much. What if anything do you know about her own childhood like, that often gives clues.