I'm trying to make sense of my situation and not even sure where to start. Been with my partner 25 years, one child. We were ok for money in the first few years, got by no real struggle. Had a child, lots of suppressed stuff came up for me, health declined but carried on, thinking I just need to try harder like everyone else does. Then found out there was 20k debt, and also he'd remortgaged another 20k which had gone. We sold our house and relocated, paid the debt off. Struggled finding jobs for a while, but for the last few years, on paper, my partner’s full-time salary easily covers our household costs, but every single month is a battle to get bill/rent money.
Doesn't let me near his phone/computer/bank accounts. When I ask about his share, he calls me a 'nag', tells me to shut up, or gives a plausible lie about a 'forgotten debt' or tax issues, there has been SO many reasons that have always made sense though! He will then make a promise to transfer it 'later', but only ever transfers a little. Two years ago he received some inheritance which I thought would give some breathing space, it went within a few months. I kick myself for not pushing to keep it safer/try harder with him to budget.
Last year, he stopped paying rent for 6 months and we were evicted—I only found out when the landlord turned up. He said he resented paying so much in rent and bills and having nothing left.
I am now unable to work due to heath issues, severe anemia and thyroid autoimmune condition. I received a small inheritance last year, which we both agreed can help us plan and actually move forward (his words). But since we moved last year I have been forced to use some of it every month to pay the rent, most of the bills and food so my daughter is safe, its dwindling fast. The money was supposed to be for a deposit on a house, he even said last week lets book a house viewing, while transferring zero to our current rent! I have no idea where his salary is going other than gambling/compulsive spending/more debts, but makes sure his sports membership, phone, internet and subscriptions are always paid for. Fair enough he needs something for himself, plus I feel guilt that I've not been able to earn, I hate feeling a burden.
I am trapped in this frustrating monthly cycle of panic, anger, him telling me off /shutting down when I ask anything, then temporary relief when he gives a partial truth, and a couple of weeks respite then back to worrying towards the end of the month, he says its fine he will transfer end of the month..I always believe him, I guess because I am desperate for a simple safe little family home life. I feel I can't heal my health issues in this constant state of fight or flight I feel sick with nerves and so isolated, my daughter has friends but has sensory issues and is on the neurodivergent pathway, but I struggle making friends and have been wondering if I'm neurodivergent myself, relating to increasing posts online. Occasionally he will be more honest and admit he's crap with money (neurodivergent toot?!) but won't get help/let me help or make any plan? He just seems 'fine' living month to month? I can only ask/say so much before he shuts down again.
I have been wondering if I am have just been in survival mode for so long I don't know what to do, he's a good dad. This post is already far too long but I'm pushing myself to reach out. Has anyone else lived through this continual financial secrecy, and how did you communicate, protect your savings and sanity?