Help me grow the balls to leave

[Toilettalk]

Hi, looking for advice or anecdotes to help me accept that I need to leave my relationship.

I know there’s no way up, and if this was any of my friends I would be telling them to pull the plug but I’m finding it so hard to accept.

together 11 years, unmarried, two primary age daughters. The usual stories of imbalance resentment between two working parents has led us to a place which is toxic, and I’m starting to think, borderline abusive. Some of the things that have come out of his mouth in arguments have appalled me. There’s so much contempt, any reason to be irritated with me he’ll find it. Feels like he’s totally checked out but when I’ve asked him if there’s someone else he’s denied it. Everything is my fault, I’m ‘depressed’ or ‘menopausal’ neither of which is true, I’m just exhausted and fed up of doing everything when my cup is empty.

Anyway, all that considered I know this isn’t the life I want for myself or my girls, but I’m really struggling with accepting that life will be incredibly different / harder / and just not the life I always thought I would have. So I’m looking for any words of encouragement from people who’ve been in the same boat, jumped ship and not looked back . I’m terrified as I’m not in a great situation financially (he earns 5x more than me but has threatened to give me the minimum, not much equity in the house) I do have a salary but it’s all just terrifying me. How do I stop focusing on the ‘good’ bits when I know in my heart it won’t change.

It will be difficult, but so worth it in the end. Make sure you go through cms don’t agree to anything informal because he’ll stop paying. Can you earn more? Good luck

Thank you for replying. I don’t feel I have capacity at the moment when I do everything at home / for the kids. My job is stable and very flexible and for now it works but I’m going to have to work out how to earn more albeit ill never be able to match how we live now

It sounds like you're doing all the day to day work of running your home already so that's all good. Money may be tight but definitely go through cms and don't budge on that.
Start as you mean to go on with him seeing the girls, don't let him manipulate you into doing the drop offs etc. O nice you have your own place don't let him through the door, he is no longer part of your life.
Children are very adaptive, honestly they will soon get used to a new situation..
A weight will be lifted once the decisions have been made. Good luck you can do this.💕

You know the way you feel right now? Slightly powerless? Slightly beholden to him? Slightly threatened by what he says and does and more importantly what he might say and do? Well you don’t have to feel that way. He’s undermined and chipped away at you until you feel less of who you are. Imagine feeling free of that and starting to be fully yourself again. No amount of money is worth the price you are paying right now.

I completely understand how scary it is to imagine being financially vulnerable. From that perspective he does hold a lot of the cards. But the older you get the harder it will become. If you leave now you will have much more of a safety net from the state than once the children have grown up. Also you have more of the energy to start again. When you’re younger it’s easier to build your career especially when you’re no longer having to fight against his contempt.

As for the feeling of dread, that’s real and I get it and I feel for you. So you need to get as much support to do this as you can. Find out what you’re financially entitled to: for example are you on the house deeds and if so how much will that get you. Are there places near you that are slightly cheaper to live in but still near enough to your social network, schools etc? Do you have any close friends? If so confide in them. Get in touch with groups who support single parents, like Gingerbread. Hopefully they can give you advice or at least some peer support. Could your family give you support, eg. could you live with them for a while until you can establish yourself or could they help out financially short term?

Don’t treat as a problem you have to solve immediately and all at once. Educate yourself on one thing at a time so it’s less overwhelming. E.g. finances, support structure, improving your employment situation, where you could live, state support, peer support etc. etc. Don’t tell him anything until you have informed yourself and feel stronger. Maybe don’t tell friends that have partners that are friends of his as men often break confidences out of male solidarity and it’s not worth the risk. Once you feel more informed and confident it will be much less overwhelming.

Nothing is worth the feelings you are feeling right now. Nothing is worth having to live with his contempt. It’s so harmful to you and your children. You are currently thinking of all of the things that will be harder and that’s unsurprising as it’s really not an easy thing to leave but think of all the positives too. Think of living in a calm, relaxed environment. Think of not dreading dealing with his contempt and treading on eggshells. Think of moving forward with your life without this pig holding you back.

Good luck OP. You’re strong enough to do this and it’ll be worth it every day you don’t have to endure this man.

Thanks so much 💕 yes I don’t feel my day to day will change too much. I do feel terrible on the girls but know staying will probably be more damaging. He’s made it very clear he will have them 5050 even though that’ll mean getting help / a nanny. So he won’t have to pay me anything I don’t think. He’s very unrealistic in what he’ll be able to handle but that’s a battle I’ll have to face.

Thanks so so much for this you’re spot on. That’s exactly how I feel, and when he’s not around (he travels a lot) I am so much more relaxed. It’s just the enormity of sorting everything out that’s scaring me, probably because he’s threatened to destroy me, and I do very much feel like he has the upper hand.

i have lots of close friends and family who are aware of what’s happening, I’ve plenty of support. I keep feeling myself slipping in to the ‘is it THAT bad?’ Mindset which is definitely holding me back. Also a total unwillingness on his side to talk, very much feels like it’s all on me.

thanks for the support really appreciate it 💕

Ask me how I know…it IS that bad and it won’t improve. I’m so sorry to say that. Imagine feeling relaxed all the time. Imagine life no longer feeling like a battle.

As I say, it seems overwhelming because you’re imagining dealing with it all at once. Break it down until it feels more manageable. Write down everything you’re worried about and deal with it one thing at a time.

You’ve got this xx

Someone who would threaten to destroy you isn’t a good person, they don’t have your interests at heart. Someone who would threaten to destroy the mother of their children isn’t a good parent. I know it’s scary, and you feel powerless but you absolutely can do this. Plan, actively work towards being able to leave - yes your lifestyle will take a hit but you can rebuild when you’re not anchored to him. Sending lots of strength and power.

Yes I completely agree. It’s just such a shock to the system that this is the sort of person he’s turned out to be, it’s hard to admit to myself to be honest

He travels a lot but wants 50/50? How is that going to work then even with a nanny? What a load of rubbish.

The minimum you get will
be substantial if he earns 5 timea more than you and does not do 50:50 childcare. Ignore idle threats

Hopefully op putting this all down here makes you realise, and hopefully know you need to do something about it,

If he has them 50/50, that gives you two weeks a month to make extra income. Thats what I’m telling myself. My husband isn’t abusive, the relationship has just run its course and I refuse to be someone who puts up and shuts up. I saw my DM do that. For years and years and years. My abusive DF died and she finally got her life back. She died of ovarian cancer 18 months later. We have one precious fucking life. Don’t waste it.

What type of man threatens to destroy the mother of his children? That’s horrendous.
He is also delusional - earns 5 times, away a lot, will give you zero and then says 50/50?
Yes, mate try that out for size.
Luckily, you have support here OP you aren’t on your own.
Let him have his lifestyle. It’s no match for a bit of peace and not being abused.
There was a thread on here recently a poster in a very similar position. She came back recently to update and she’s so happy now. In a smaller home, her kids are settled, the atmosphere is calm. She never thought she’d get there but she did.
You can too.

Oh I wish I had seen that thread.
yeah the scary bit is, I’ve barely mentioned anything he’s said or done on this post and yet everyone says I must leave, which tells me how bad it really is. It’s really affecting me me and no doubt it’ll be affecting the girls as I am definitely not the best mum I can be right now :(

You are a great mum. He is an awful father.
I am probably quite a bit older than you and life is far too short. You have a chance to live a good life with your children. Take it.

Thank you 😊

Toilettalk

I could have written so much of what you have written. The threats, the nastiness from a high earning husband I never thought possible. This includes cutting me off financially (which he couldn't do anyway now). He seems to forget I am the mother of his dc apart from anything else. A whole catalogue of crap behaviour, I would not want to have this man as a friend or housemate. Selfish and controlling.
I made plans to leave and then had some kind of burnout. Decided that I couldn't bear to see my dc half the time and have stayed put. Our relationship is very transactional in terms of maintaining the house (which doesn't particularly feel like home). There is a cease fire at least now with few arguments. If I could afford a live-in housekeeper I would be very tempted but it still leaves the prospect of seeing dc half the time. He has developed his own health issues. I don't trust him fully with dc.

If you have lots of real life support your situation might be different. I do not. I am stuck albeit in a financially comfortable situation with enough space within the house to distance myself.

It is a horrible situation. One I never thought I'd find myself in.
I am trying to make out of life what I can including enjoying my dc and taking up some new hobbies and attempting to make friends.
I feel jaded with life in general. A kind of apathy. I am menopausal with only older age to look forward to. It's likely that I have a neurodiversity. Horrible life events have stacked up. Stuck.
I really wish you well.

Another thing to mention. Your husband may attempt to weaponize your dc. It has happened to mine. Also, if they are a bit older he may also triangulate whereby he dumps adult problems/complaints onto your dc. It has happened here. I addressed it directly with him. It seems to have stopped.

Hi, wow yes this all sounds familiar. My kids are young (4&5) and he’s really good to them directly, borderline over protective, he’s just very hands off (too busy / tired) and also thinks nothing of berating me in front of them. It’s so confusing.

I feel exactly the same - a bit numb, a bit ‘meh’, totally burnt out, no energy to do anything or even talk about it anymore because every time I try it blows up. Yet I know life is far too short and I deserve / want so much more.

I feel he is totally checked out yet wants to carry on as we are (because I do everything and he knows he can’t!!!) but it’s a horrible place to be.

we argued recently and he took the car keys. He’s cancelled credit cards too. Threatens to stop paying the mortgage, then the next day acts like nothing has happened. It’s so messed up, I can’t get my head around any of it. He never used to be like this but feels like he’s so scared of me leaving his way to deal with it is defense / power / control.

I can carry on but it’s setting such a bad example to my girls of what ‘love’ is. I’m gobsmacked how many posts I read on here about men doing and saying all the same things.

@Toilettalk It’ll be difficult for you to see right now with all the trauma going on, but you are so much stronger than you think. If you can’t see a way out and keep thinking “it’s not that bad”, then think of your girls, think how much more relaxed and happy you’ll be without this complete headache of a man dragging you down at every turn. They deserve to see that mum, not the unhappy, downtrodden one they see now.

You sound like a very capable woman who will be more than able to manage single parenthood. Your girls are at an age when better work opportunities (and training?) may present themselves and give you a chance to broaden your horizons.

Once you get started and make a plan, you won’t look back. Of course your H is bullying and resentful now. He’s realising he’s about to lose you. He doesn’t deserve you anyway.