Can staying together after quiet quitting a marriage still lead to happiness?

[IcyOP]

I need success stories from the battle field. I’m lining up an individual therapist (for me) and a lawyer (to understand my options) and will ask for couples counselling. But please quiet quitters of the world, talk to me. Is it possible to stay - for the kids, for the wider family, for societal norms, for the buffer against old age loneliness - and be happy. Please tell me I won’t be alone and it will be okay? I’m so sad at all the LTB narrative and need an alternative

against old age loneliness

Umm, if you need to quiet quit, is he actually a person you want to spend old age with? Looking forward to wiping his arse in your dotage?

I think it depends on why the marriage has ground to a halt. If there are regular problems - dv, affairs, financial issues, then no, staying won't work.
If he has just become inactive, bumbling through the days as housemates, then possibly BUT...

-will he at some point find someone else?
-what will happen when your dcs leave? You'll face the same loneliness just with 20 years less time to rebuild.
-being scared of the future is never a good reason to tolerate an unhappy present.

I'm single and left my ex 15 years ago when ds was 2, and he had started treating me with contempt.
In that time, I've had my career, bought us a home, raised ds without ex being a poor example. I've been happy & relaxed with no tension. With the freedom to date if I wanted. To run my house and life as I choose.
In the same 15 years, ex has made some terrible business decisions and had his house repossessed.
Social convention is irrelevant. Staying together for the children is seldom a good idea. Ask yourself whether being scared of being alone is denying you and your dcs a happy future.

For the kids,
Does it really benefit the kids? What atmosphere are they growing up in, what dynamics are they seeing? Would you be happy for them to recreate this relationship in their own futures?

for the wider family,
Family get used to change.

for societal norms,
It's not the dark ages, divorce is normal.

for the buffer against old age loneliness -
Like I said above, is he actually the guy you want to spend old age with? He's not going to get any better company. Is retirement with him going to be fun and time well-spent?

And if your or his health deteriorates, do you see yourself being his carer or cared for? I'm seeing a lot of older couples in my life where there's dementia or cancer etc. It's hard, it's devastating and it's one thing doing all that caring for someone when you love them and had many happy years, but if you've just tolerated each other ...?

And men tend to die earlier than women, so hanging on will probably still mean you spend your last years on your tod.

and be happy. Please tell me I won’t be alone and it will be okay?
Being single can be happy. What's so awful about being on your own?
And he is not the only man in the world.

You get one life, OP.
It's up to you what you do with it.

I left a marriage over a decade ago. Yes it was hard, however, it was right for the me and the kids. My kids are obviously older and understand why I left. One of my greatest fears was being stuck with him after the kids had left home. The thought terrified me. I have a friend whom"stayed for the kids". All her kids have left home and now she's totally isolated and miserable and feels it's now too late to 'escape'. She has often said to me she wishes she had left years ago.
You are doing the right thing seeking professional guidance. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Thank you. I’ve opened Pandora’s box and stared at all of the issues in our marriage and I’m now paralysed in fear. And they won’t fit back in the box again. I’m scared and exhausted and just want to cry. He is angry because I won’t talk to him but I know it will go wrong straight away so we need a mediator. I just don’t know if my happiness is enough reason to walk away - the kids have always been my reason why and this would be so very shit for them. I have a plan (lawyer and therapy) but am looking for hand holding here

It's a huge decision and you're right in taking time to consider your thoughts and feelings and also the practicalities. Another of my friends says couples counselling saved her marriage and is now incredibly happy. You will find your way. Happy to hand hold x

What are the bad things? What is going wrong? I think it can absolutely work if there is nothing major wrong and neither of you is an arse, but you’ve got into a bit of a rut. If that is what has happened yes I think it can work with effort.
if he is an arse, then probably better splitting.

I was a child in the 80s when my mum decided very much to go against the grain and not ‘stay for the kids’. I can’t tell you the positive difference it made in my life long term. Our home became relaxed. Family holidays had no tension anymore. We had such a nice little life together without all those dark clouds. It was the absolute best decision. While she has her own issues, totally unrelated to divorcing my dad, she did not grow old alone and miserable. She had many happy years travelling with friends and living her best life and building her career for a lovely retirement that has been very full of life.

I have other family members who ‘stayed for the kids’ in very dead marriages. Those kids are now in their 30s and 40s and they’re still there. Their husbands got ill later in life and they felt they couldn’t leave then. Or financially they were very stuck. The house is still tense. They are being carers to horrible men and not out living life. And in every case, their adult children keep their distance and actively avoid coming to visit because it’s so unhappy and just brings back all those childhood memories of their parents being so miserable in each other’s company, so they’ve lost close relationships with their children and grandchildren too.

I think it really depends on what the issues are.
It sounds serious so spell them out.
Splitting up a family because he no longer excites you is one thing.
Splitting up because he is a bullying mean prick that treats you badly is very very different.

The former I would look at carefully, the latter I would be moving forward with.

Why is he so angry?
Because you have had enough of not being treated well?
Well thats on him if it is.

How long are you married?
Ages of children?
Housing?
Career?
Finances?

There is nothing wrong with taking your time and planning carefully your exit and continuing to detach emotionally.

The devil is in the detail.

Doing this made me ill to be honest and the idea of being together in old age made me depressed. I would imagine it depends on the issues though and what type of person you are.

Please don't do this for the sake of your children. I work and am quite friendly with a man who's mother did this rather than leave her husband. The impact it has on my friend is actually really upsetting. I know from his wife that it has had an big impact on their marriage and family too.

No.

Have faith in your children that they are resilient and will get used to a new dynamic.

Since these are tough times, a coping response is to quickly shove things under the rug to end the angry vibes. But that'd be making yourself a sacrificial lamb for everybody's supposed benefit except your own.

I say supposed because everybody's supposing they'd benefit if you stayed. Your children will actually benefit by being around a mom who is happier to be freed from a bad marriage. Your soon to be ex will be free to eventually find a woman who wants to be around him. You will be happier to be given a chance to create the life you envision.

Creating that life does take time, and you need to be realistic and prepared that the hard stuff needs to be endured first. Believe in yourself that you have the strength to get through the tough stages to make it to your happy place.

I’m not totally sure what is meant by quiet quitting in a marriage context, but whatever you do, don’t make a decision with “wider family” in mind!

that’s the problem - if I put the bad things out there, everyone will scream leave -but it’s just my side of things. Maybe most of it is my fault and I can’t see it. (It’s financial mainly although he did cheat a while back - it’s been a long marriage.) I don’t think I can understand clearly any more what it’s normal to just deal with. He had a shitty childhood and a dreadful dad … I struggle with putting my needs ahead of my kids (who are in Uni by the way but lean on me heavily). He is much more empathetic and emotional than me. But I carry all the logistical, financial and parenting burdens. I realise this isn’t coherent - I am very emotional and trying to hide it from everyone IRL and it’s hard

I am quite renowned in our tiny circle for being a stoic. It seems to be celebrated. If you ask me I just go for a LOT OF RUNS to escape it all. And work a lot

If you know you can't tell us because it's that bad, well, you know your answer.

When I was with my ex, I never told anyone what was going on, and I never wrote a thread on here, because I knew what everyone would say - and I knew they would have been right too. I told people only when I was ready.

Maybe this thread is your first step that way.

Lots of people have shitty childhoods and terrible parents- doesn't mean they're allowed to treat their partners like crap.

Yes. I had a shitty childhood which led me to marry my STBXH who also had a shitty childhood. I made excuses for him for years too.I also remember telling someone how I’d turned things around when he was going through a period that was less shit than usual. Of course I hadn’t. I was constantly living for those spells where he was nice for a bit.

It’s no way to live. It’s also much harder to start again at a much older age and becomes much more difficult to leave for a while as there is always someone doing their GCSEs or their A levels or the first year at Uni of the first year job hunting.

The thing is you can stay. But he is most unlikely to have a personality transplant so just don’t cling to the idea that a) it’s somehow your fault and b) it will get better in any consistent way.

Around 20 years ago I made the decision to leave exh . It was tough at the time, my parents were disappointed the marriage failed the kids were upset. Exh made things difficult. But I bought a small house that my parents guaranteed for me, I increased my hours at work and I worked hard to provide for my kids. A few years later I met a man and fell in love, he has provided for my dc in every way and been a strong role model for them. We have also role modelled what a healthy marriage looks like.
if i hadn’t left my dc wouldn’t have had half the opportunities they have now. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen exh in the last ten years. I can’t really remember being married to him, it’s like a small blip in my life years ago.

Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing this. Your mum sounds amazing.

Why on earth would you wanna hang around if it's over just leave them? Your also kidding yourself saying "it's for the kids" in reality it would be better if you left than have children stuck with your crap

That sounds very lonely.
You essentially care for him through old age and just be lonely.

You're scared of making the jump. But once you jump it's actually very easy very quickly. You don't realise how much you were suffocating until you're free. Your kids are at uni. They're fine.