Dilemma - do I tell close friend what I think?

[mooopa]

Namechanged. Very close friend of mine that I've known since uni days has been very unhappy in her marriage for several years now. Lots of issues, big communication problems, resentment, friend often considers leaving the marriage. She recently told me that she and her DH haven't had sex in 13 years (since their youngest DS was conceived).

I'm as supportive as possible to my lovely friend, and just try to listen without judgement. But here's the thing - ever since I met her DH, I've suspected that he might actually be gay. And this isn't just me - I've had other friends presume the same on first meeting him (at parties or whatever if it wasn't immediately clear he's in a hetero couple with my friend) and even my own DH once asked me if I had suspicions - all this totally unprompted by me.

It's strange because I can't pinpoint exactly what it is about him. He's a little effeminate perhaps, but certainly not camp. It's more a feeling, which could be utterly meaningless of course. Friend's DH comes from a very buttoned-up, conventional English family. It would have actually been a huge stigma to come out growing up (he is mid-50s now). He's someone who is quite conventional and traditional.

Obviously I'm aware that this is NONE of my business, but my poor friend is losing her mind. I'd never dream of articulating these thoughts usually, but when she told me about the lack of sex, for so long - I just thought, should I mention it?

FWIW while she's unhappy, she's very fearful of divorcing - the financial implications, the impact on the kids - she seems quite paralysed by it all, but I'm wondering if it could help her somehow? If I'm right (and I'm well aware I could be very wrong), it's no wonder the marriage seems to be failing...

Thoughts?

I had a friend who had a friend who never had sex with her husband, and said she was sex repulsed. Then she fancied her personal trainer.. my friend said to her, as part of a chat ‘ because, you don’t fancy your husband’.. is if this was an agreed fact. And her friend went ballistic as if this was astonishing news .. or more like.. it should never be said aloud, and now that it was said aloud it had to be quickly covered with sand.
moral of the story, sometimes people don’t acknowledge what is obvious, if it’s unpalatable!

Your speculation that your friend's husband might be gay is just that..speculation. He may be, he may not be but that is not for you to judge. Many "effeminate"men are not gay. Some people are asexual too. There could be a million reasons for their lack of sex life.

If your friend has difficulties in her marriage, maybe imparcial marriage guidance counselling might help.her find a solution to her problems

I dont see how it will be helpful to her by offering your speculative reasons for their problems at all, especially you are not offering any solucions.

I think you mind your own business. She has a problem, she can change things with her situation - counselling with her DH or even leaving, she can accept this is how her marriage is, or she can do nothing but complain about where she finds herself.

And she keeps picking complaining because its easiest.

You saying he gives me a gay vibe and behind youelr back others have said it. Its helpful info, or kind, and your might be wrong. And I cant understand why youd want to stir the pot or think it would change anything for her to have your speculation included.

She already knows what she needs to leave if she wants to. That shes miserable and they arent having sex. Doesn't matter what reason they arent having sex, just that they arent.

Offer support, advice if she asks but for goodness sake keep your speculation maybe hes gay to yourself.

Please don't, it would be unkind to your friend when you don't have any proof. Different if there was concrete evidence, but not just based on personal judgements, even though you may be right.

I wouldn’t say I thought he was gay, or that anyone else had said it. I might ask her if she had ever wondered if he were gay. That doesn’t seem like a weird question to ask given the circumstances.

Hi op I think if the conversation comes up again you can say have you spoken to dh why you’re not having sex it must be hard for you? Could he be gay? She might even know. Even if she doesn’t plan to leave it might give her confidence to talk to him. 13 years is ridiculous not to have intimacy no wonder she’s not happy. That is rejection and she probably feels unloved and not seen by him if he is gay she has a right to know.

Hmm...it takes two to (not) tango. Do you have any suspicions about her sexuality?

Somewhere, recently, I came across the phrase "lavender marriage".
Possibly, this is where your friend, unbeknowing, finds herself?
For some apparently/outwardly hetero couples, this may work/can work, if both are ok with it.

Not all unions have a sexual relationship component. For some that is ok. For others it really is not ok and the marriage has to end.
Years ago, I had friends who were married with children, he was gay & tried to be straight, didn't work. In the end they worked out a system which worked for them. Basically, a lavender marriage which worked for years, till it didn't. In the end he left for a gay relationship/marriage.

It takes two to tango due to consent. It only takes one person to withdraw that consent.

Whether you tell her or not, the end result is the same, she's in a miserable marriage, she needs help to get out of it, the reason is irrelevant really.

She's definitely straight - not a lavender marriage.

Stay out of it.

I wouldn't say anything. It could possibly make her feel worse, she might wonder if that's what people really think of her husband, and she never realised. Not a good idea.

It must have been really hard for your friend, she’s waited 13 years to tell you this, she could have told you after 1. I think you need to match her bravery by telling her what you really think, she’s asked you to help her. In a marriage you can’t just unilaterally decide that the sex is over, it surely has to be something you both agree on. My other concern, given this situation, would be in how many other areas does she have to compromise, is it very much his way or no way?

I don’t think your friend would care if you spoke to her in the right way. After I got together with my husband a mutual friend said “I’ve often wondered about his sexuality”. As he went through the private education, boarding school system I could understand her feelings. It didn’t bother me in the slightest. Fortunately we’re very happy together but I admit the sex isn’t great. Being gay or bisexual doesn’t have the stigma it had in the past. Why should she be upset? I wouldn’t mention that other people have suggested it though, nobody likes to think they’re being gossiped about.
Good luck. If you’re her bestie she won’t be upset.

You've no proof he's gay and you don't know how your friend will take it. It won't help her anyway, she needs to deal with whether or not she can stay in this marriage. You do sound like a nice supportive friend though.