How have you built an emotionally open relationship with your children?

[Dellhoy3]

Reflecting on growing up I have realised that my parents provided me with a lot of practical support but I don’t think they knew how to offer emotional support. I wouldn’t have went to them with problems and therefore didn’t really confide in them about anything. They would say themselves they aren’t great at emotional things.

I now have children of my own and want to make sure I don’t repeat this pattern. For those with older children who are close and who confide in them and ask for support, advice etc how have you built this relationship over the years? I’m hoping that seeing as I am aware of this it wil just come naturally (kids are very young) but interested in tips too

My children are grown up now and my daughter is married, but I’ve always tried to be very open and honest with them from when they were little. My own mum wasn’t really someone I could talk to about certain things, especially anything sexual or embarrassing, so I made a conscious decision that I wanted things to be different with my own children.
I have two sons also but my daughter and I have a particularly close relationship, and she’ll confide in me about things that some people might find difficult or embarrassing to talk about. We can literally discuss almost anything without either of us feeling awkward, and quite often we end up laughing about things together!
I think a big part of it is starting when they’re young and making sure they know that nothing they tell you is going to make you judge, shame or ridicule them. Sometimes you don’t even need to give advice — just listening and letting them know you’re there can make such a difference.
I’ve always wanted my children to know that they can come to me with the good, the bad, the embarrassing and the downright awkward 😂. And I think because those conversations have always been normal in our family, they’ve never really become a big scary thing as they’ve got older.
You’re already aware that you want to break that pattern, which I think is a brilliant start.

I've always told DD she can tell me anything without fear of my reaction and, crucially, have stuck to that religiously, even when my internal reaction hasn't been calm/favourable! I've been very open about my own failings, insecurities and feelings (in an age appropriate way of course) and encouraged her to talk about hers, taking care to think about my responses when she does share something. And I've always shown up for her, she knows she can trust me and rely on me and that if she needs me I will be there.

Hi OP, my husband would probably say my family is too emotionally open with each other (his are not at all). I feel I could tell my parents anything and since becoming a mum myself I can definitely connect with your hopes around having a close relationship with your children. I'm sure there's not one "right" or guaranteed method to achieve this, but what's helped for me/ what I try to model are things like

• Showing a genuine interest in them and prioritising communication (for me this is us all sitting at the table together at meal times, no phones and using it as a commited time to just enjoy eachother's company).
• Showing emotions myself (I'm a very comfortable crier so don't worry about my kids seeing me show difficult emotions and we talk about how these feelings are all normal even if they don't feel nice at the time).
• I openly tell them that there's nothing they could ever tell me that means I won't love them
• Everyone makes mistakes, it's not a nice way to learn but it is how we do it. (Tend to use this more often now with my 8 year old, less so with my four year old).
• As well as asking them curious questions about themselves I also share (appropriate!) bits from my life and my thoughts.

I think openness creates openness, so being open with your kids about your thoughts and feelings gives them permission to do the same and models how to do it. I don’t mean it’s ok to trauma dump, or make kids responsible for how you’re feeling, but being able to say something upset or worried you - sharing negative feelings appropriately rather that just the positive.

I also think being accepting of their feelings (even when they seem unreasonable). Behaviour needs to be kept in check, but the feelings giving rise to behaviour are ok.

My parents were similar to yours (still are too) and I was also determined to build a different relationship and openness with my children. They are 20 and nearly 18 and both of them come to me with their problems, feelings, etc.. and we are very close, with appropriate parent-child boundaries.

I think the biggest thing I did to establish that trust is not always waiting for them to approach me about topics like friendship struggles, body issues, sex, drugs and alcohol, future plans, school stress, etc.. and would find opportunities to share info or experiences that might give them food for thought. If I sense something is bothering them but they’re not opening up I try to make myself available more in case they want to talk, even if it’s just asking if they want to come on a drive with me or out for a coffee and cake, no pressure or demanding they tell me what’s going on but letting them subtly know I can sense their emotions are off and just being there for them. I also introduced certain topics from quite a young age so that they didn’t feel taboo.

As a result they both feel able to come to me with concerns or questions about things they’re encountering for the first time, with no worries I’ll judge or shame them. So different to my relationship with my own parents, especially my mum who never talked to me about sex stuff.

Just read the other replies and I love point the first poster makes about sometimes just listening is better than trying to solve or fix the problem. Brene Brown does a lovely short YouTube video about the difference between empathy and sympathy (worth a watch, I recommend it to everyone!) The idea that simply saying "that sounds so hard and I'm so glad you told me" and sitting there with the other person's feelings is powerful IMHO.

I have a very emotionally open relationship with my young adult dd. I don't think there is anything that she wouldn't feel able to talk to me about, but equally, I don't feel entitled to know everything about her life either.

We are very close and we talk a lot. I'm not really sure how things came to be the way that they are, but I did listen to her a lot without judgement and we always talked a lot about feelings etc - mine, hers, other people's.

I did make a point of telling her that she could tell me anything and that nothing she could ever tell me would make me love her less, but honestly, I think trust is built through actions rather than words - she learnt to trust me over the years by observing how I reacted in different situations.

I agree with this. Kids learn primarily from watching those close to them.

Agree with this too. It is important be able to tell the difference between when your child wants help and when they just need to vent. If in doubt, ask!!

brilliant advice thanks everyone

Very interesting thread. My daughter is now a teenager and more open with me than a lot of my friends' kids seem to be. I have achieved this by:
A) being open about my own past and present struggles - not presenting myself as wise, omniscient, flawless.
B) reassuring her that she can tell me anything and I will never fly off the handle, judge her or make her feel rejected. And standing by this, even when I think she has done something daft or unkind. (Infrequent - she is a great kid). I do tell her if I don't think what she has done is great, but I find a way to do so calmly and respectfully - I never fly off the handle.

This is important to me as I sometimes felt judged by my parents and consequently did not always reach out for help when I needed it. Interestingly I am very close with my mom now, but I wish I had been able to turn to her more consistently when I was younger. Dad has passed now - we also got closer later on, but not so much when I was a teen.

My mum couldn't talk to her parents about much, so made the conscious decision that she wanted to be different with us. She decided she would answer any question we asked. The result was that I came home from secondary school biology and asked, "Mummy, what contraception did you use?" She says she took a huge breath, panicked but realised this was make or break for her approach, and decided to tell me!

I've taken a similar approach with my DC. I noticed the difference between how MIL and I would answer their questions. She would basically shut down the questioning, saying as little as possible, or suggesting they wouldn't be interested in something because it was too grown up. I, on the other hand, would answer questions as fully and frankly as I was able, and it meant they kept on being willing to talk to me.

I think you’re better off asking grown up children who have an open relationship with their parents for what their parents did - rather than asking the parents.

My mother will tell anyone who listens what a close relationship we have and how good a mother she is, in reality I despise the woman and only see her so my children know their grandmother. She’ll never have unsupervised access…adding to her belief “we’re so close” because she thinks I want to see her.

My parents had very unemotional backgrounds and tried to be different with us. Mostly I think it worked - especially sharing stories from their own lives (both fun and difficult), listening and genuinely enjoying talking with us, discussing other things eg books or something seen on TV to open up different conversations.

However I am rarely emotionally open with my mum as much as she would like now I’m an adult with a family. Partly because she always thinks she has a right to know everything (eg when I was a teenager asking about my friends’ personal matters which were private to them), and mostly because she’s highly unpredictable and it’s a bit of a Buckaroo - never know what will make her fly off the handle. She’s also got a track record of responding inappropriately to news or life events which I realise now is just her brain short circuiting and she will usually be brilliant say 24 hours after you’ve told her something. But essentially my dad is a safe person to talk to but my mum will either be brilliant or awful and you just can’t tell.