Support thread for those staying for the children

[officetolet]

This isn’t about staying in abusive relationships, or those who financially have no choice but to stay etc. Or those whose partners have left them and they have no choice but to try to co-parent. Those situations are serious and valid, and deserve their own thread. This is for parents (mums) who are staying because staying is basically the least worst option for the children.

I read a lot of threads where parents talk about “putting the children first”. Often after a separation has happened, and usually to bemoan the other parents apparent lack of ability to “put the children first”, but I often think the best interests of the children would have been not to leave the relationship in the first place.

I read about children being happier with happier parents, but do children really want to split their time in two? Not sleep in the same bed for more than 7 nights in a row for the rest of their childhood? Choose to stay with one parent to have some stability and feel guilty about making that choice? Not seeing both of their parents each day? Leaving home when they can in order to have that “one home”, and vowing not to do it to their own kids? Is this not about the parent’s happiness, to the sacrifice of their children?

I’m really not trying to be goady. I am just in this situation, suspect other mums are too, and I’m looking for a safe space to have some support and to talk about it.

I am staying in my marriage not necessarily because it’s the right decision for me, but it is for my DC. Yes, we’re probably not showing a great example of a happy marriage, but I still think, on balance, it’s better than the alternative. There is an element of sacrifice on my part, but as teenagers often say “I didn’t ask to be born!”. I made the decision to have kids, and in doing so I knew I would always put them first. This is what I am doing.

Is anyone in the same boat and want to share some support?

Hopeful bump for the evening crowd

Look at it the other way to, do you want your children to see what a relationship is not and base there own on that ideal. You will still get all the questions when there teens why stay or why you leaving now I'm adult, why did you live a lie etc etc. The sacrifice isn't staying or going the sacrifice is making the right choice that shows children the right way to go about having a successful relationship so that hopefully one day they pick well themselves and be properly happy not fake happy

It's probably unpopular now, but if the parents can treat each other with kindness, it's what I would do. Without question.

I totally agree with you OP I am one of the ones that was left so wasnt my choice but i absolutely would have stayed for the kids. It’s definitely the best option (If no abuse of course but that goes without saying)

I'm a child of parents who stayed together because of the children. It was HELL and I vowed never ever to do that for my DCs. If the marriage isn't working split up!

How will you make sure that your children understand the proper threshold for staying in an unhappy marriage so that they don't mistakenly apply it to an unhappier marriage in their turn? Will you talk to them about it? At what age? How soon will you separate after the children's departure?

I think this would make for an interesting poll:

• I am the child of an unhappy marriage; unhappy parents should split up.
• I am the child of an unhappy marriage; unhappy parents should stay together.
• I am the child of a happy marriage; unhappy parents should split up.
• I am the child of a happy marriage; unhappy parents should stay together.

If both parents have talked openly and are on the same page about being in basically a friendship whilst living together and can get on I don’t see the issue.

It’s a different matter if it’s all an unspoken situation and a huge elephant in the room and the relationship is strained.

I was a child of parents who stayed together for the kids and I tell my Dad often that I wish he’d left years before the relationship eventually got so bad that they did have to split.

You may think the children are clueless to what’s going on but they hear more than you know and see more than you think. They can also read body language and atmospheres very well.

At the end of the day you should be in a relationship you would be happy for your children to be in when they’re grown up. They will become what they saw growing up and if that’s two happy parents who happen to just be friends rather than in a romantic sexual relationship that’s fine. If it’s two frosty parents who avoid being alone and never so much as smile at each other that’s a different story.

@officetolet, I'm with you. I'm unhappy but not enough to go. Children love their dad although the oldest are very comfortable calling behaviour out if they feel it is needed (late teens). Youngest probably needs a few more years and wouldn't cope well with the upheaval. I know myself well enough to know that I would struggle with making them unhappy (I feel guilty enough working FT in term time) and the need to move house etc. Once the youngest is past key exam years (5 years or so), I'll rethink. And quite possibly go. Until then, I'm focussing on other things.

im in the same boat OP. no matter how i try to work it out there’s no way the kids would not be worse off financially if we were to split up and mine are all teenagers now and likely to be heavily impacted if we were to split up. I would also be really broke and as shallow as it sounds I think that would be more depressing than my marriage is.
Im also not sure how much is the menopause making me question everything and whether this phase will pass.
The majority of my divorced friends who split for non horrific reasons advise me to stay together.
my parents had a very up and down marriage but stuck it out so i suppose thats kind of been the benchmark i had but I think overall I am glad they didn’t split up.
I do have a lot of YOLO moments though where i panic that I could be happier out of it.

Totally agree op and I am doing the same.
I have agreed with myself if it turns to the point where we're arguing or anything in front of the kids and I think our behaviour is negatively effecting them then I'll reconsider the situation but for now my kids will have a much better childhood if we stay together and that is what's most important to me.
I absolutely would not want a relationship with anyone else while my kids are small even if me and H did seperate. Also the house/lifestyle I could afford on my own would be pretty poor compared to what we have and H and there's no abuse or cheating or anything so staying seems like the pretty sensible answer rather than ripping everyones lives apart 🤷🏼‍♀️

There's really no way of knowing with absolute certainty what the best course of action is. Nobody has a crystal ball with each possible outcome on view to compare and contrast. I think these sorts of threads can become heated as people defend their own decisions and criticise the alternatives, as nobody wants to be told they're not doing right by their children.

Well, you look like you've decided. In my case, I think of our life before the divorce and can't believe it. All the little stressful things, the kids with skin problems and diseases that disappeared after the separation, the fact that we are all thriving, even though we have less money.
Imagine if I had stayed!

Thank you for your perspective @CarpetofBluebells

Can I ask how you think you would have felt to have your care shared between your parents? Moving from house to house? Not seeing each parent every day? What if your parents couldn’t go parent well and there was still conflict? Would you have felt more or less stuck in the middle?

Genuinely interested in your views, having lived through your parents staying together.

I’m in the same boat op, me & “D”H are just roomies basically, we get on very well there’s no arguing or shouting. We’ve just fallen out of love I think we’ve both massively changed and we aren’t what each other needs anymore it’s sad, I’m sad but my DC are incredibly young and for now we’ve agreed to stay together. It’s not the marriage I imagined and I’m only early 30s but I’m happy enough & so are the children so for now that’s my decision too.

I was one too. There was just a constant unspoken tension in the house, and zero affection between my parents, although they were both loving to my brother and I and we knew we were wanted and loved. My brother settled down but wouldn’t marry, and at the age of 54 I’ve never been able to make a relationship last and have spent large parts of my adult life single. I’d have loved to have had a husband and family but didn’t really know what a non-dysfunctional relationship looked like. Makes me so angry.

Look at it another way, it your child was unhappy in their marriage would you advise them to tough it out?

I agree with this. Exposure to tension/ a poor relationship is bad for children. Divorce is def not positive, but a calm and loving envt is top priority.

if they were unhappy but it was safe and amicable possibly.
one thing i would ensure is that they are financially independent so that they wouldn’t be in the position i am in where leaving would be detrimental and unaffordable. we live in an expensive village and i would not be able to afford to stay here in this house on my salary. and i have done all the maths, even with child support etc
my mum would 100% advise me to stay as that’s what she did

Sounds so depressing. I do understand the thought process though. I am single parent, can be hard too.

I wish my parents had split years before they did. I literally tense my body all day long as a life long side effect of living through a tense and toxic atmosphere for so many years. They thought we didn’t know and we were clueless. If you’re not in love and not happy, the kids know.

Well I has no choice my husband fucked off and left us on my sons birthday a week after my mam died so…

Snap!

Sorry it was a very poor choice my parents made!

I totally understand and sometimes it’s for the children’s welfare and safety that some women choose to stay. It’s a terrible trap but the feels like a rock and hard place type of choice. You make the right decision for you and that’s all you can do x

I initially stayed while the kids did exams and settled in uni, but now I stay for financial reasons and because I don’t want to be alone. I would never want another relationship, I get to stay in my home, so for me it’s the best of two situations.