Partner content with the present while I want to plan ahead

[Friedhostas]

I’ve been with DP for 10 years and we’re both in our mid/late 50s. We don’t live together and are quite happy with that set up.

from very on, I’ve felt that DP lives predominantly in the past and present whereas I am more a person who lives in the present and future. So, DP will reminisce a lot, talk about places we’ve visited that he’s enjoyed etc etc, and also tends to take days as the come.

I, on the other hand, don’t mind a bit of looking back but I am much more
likely to spend time planning the next thing, talking about where I’d like to go, things to visit etc. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard DP say ‘oh I’d love to go to….’, although he does enjoy our holidays and days out.

I’m starting to find this really frustrating. We have no articulated shared future to talk about (neither seems bothered about marriage or
living together) and it gets me down.

Does this resonate with anyone? We are both widowed which is possibly relevant, however it’s over 15 years for each of us.

I’m not sure what to do really. I don’t want to end an otherwise lovely relationship but I don’t want to look back in 10
years and feel I didn’t do things because he didn’t seem keen.

Why can’t you plan want you want? Invite him, you said he enjoys holidays/days out. Or go by yourself.

Do you mean that you'd like him to plan trips and holidays and he doesn't do this?

I would just make my plans myself. Do you mean holiday plans and days out?

If he won’t commit I would arrange to travel solo or with my mates. Don’t let him hold you back.

You said: "We have no articulated shared future to talk about (neither seems bothered about marriage or living together) and it gets me down."

I don't understand what you mean by it getting you down when this quote means you're on the same page.

If you had opposing views on marriage or living together after several years of being together, that should be a dealbreaker, as well as if you had opposing values/ethics. But when it comes to a person being a planner of activities/holidays, my view is that it'd be a nice trait in a partner, but not a must-have. My husband is in general not a planner, so I've made peace with being the "cruise director."

If you made yourself single, do expect the dating life to be quite difficult to navigate. In your shoes, I'd think about if there's something you could reasonable request of him which wouldn't be expecting him to be someone he's not. But if you just want to ask him to be the planner for one date per month instead of you, that'd be reasonable.

Really think about if you've been stuffing your wants and convincing yourself that you really would want to live together if only he's suggest it first. Anyway, you've been together 10 years, so why aren't you comfortable discussing these sorts of topics with him? Are you afraid of how he'd reply?

I get this, OP. Similar situation here. Going by myself is an option and I’ve done that. I’m sure you could too. But - that’s not what you’re wishing for here, I think. The planning for a shared future concretises the relationship in the present. It adds validity to it; commitment and a shared understanding of where it’s heading. It reinforces a sense of shared desires for the future. And it matters not one jot that 1 in 3 (or whatever the stats are) never actually get there because that’s not the point.

The other week I asked dp to name three places he’d most like to go so as to try to encourage some agency in future planning. He did eventually come up with 3 but whether he’ll move on it is another question. It’s not that he never contributes to the planning once I’ve decided on the place, itinerary, etc. He does - though not to the same degree. He just never seems that bothered about where we end up. To be fair, he’s not travelled much whereas I’ve done lots, so everywhere is a new experience for him. But I do get where you’re coming from. I think he doesn’t see it the same way. Rather, it’s just a holiday.

We live apart too and I wonder if I place so much value on planning holidays as we’re not planning making a home. I decide how to decorate my house and he does for his. I buy things for my home and similarity he does for his. In the absence of that nesting together, I look towards other things to give a signal of ‘togetherness’. Otherwise, I feel I’m just ‘dating’ (and we’re not: 9 years and counting here). It’s not like I want to move in together either.

I'm fine with the idea of travelling alone or going in a group of solo travellers. I'm holding back slightly because doing so would eat into the weekends we generally spend together as we do live around 45 mins apart and don't meet up much during the week due to work.

I suppose I'd just like him to say 'let's go here or there' or 'why don't we plan a big trip for one of our 60th's' but it just never seems to enter his head. I feel a bit sad that if I want to do some of these things it might be with others and not him.

I guess I need to start to open up the conversation really. I do wonder if losing his first wife has made him reluctant to plan ahead, not tempting fate I suppose. I'm the opposite and think we know life is short. let's plan for what we can!

So do you mean it makes you feel like he doesn’t really want to plan future things with you in case you aren’t still together?

Sorry, I could be projecting because that is how it would make me feel.

@plumpcake I totally agree with everything you've said, it sounds like our situations are similar. @ScorpionLioness79 this isn't about me supressing a wish to live together, I am genuinely happy with the way things are. I also don't mind being the 'cruise director' if he'd just bring some ideas to the table!

@plumpcake I like the idea of asking for specifics as you have done. I suspect I'd get 'oh I'm happy to go anywhere with you' type answer though and then I might scream. I think the fact we're on the same page about marriage/living together does mean that I'm looking for something else to fill the future planning void. I even see it in our approaches to our own homes, I'm always on the go with something needing done, planning the next project, he just doesn't seem to see that stuff needs decorating etc. Your last paragraph really resonates with me.

No, it isn't that, I don't have any doubts about his commitment. I think that it is possible that being widowed relatively young meant that he's had future plans taken from him once so that could be an issue.

However I don't think it's the main thing. It's just a feeling of drifting and feeling happy in the hear and now, with no real urge do things that is getting to me. Like @plumpcake says, I think he might view trips as just holidays, whereas for me I have a wish to see and experience things.

Yes this completely resonates.

A shared, planned future is one of the joys of partnership. It loses its shine if only one person is engaging.

Interestingly I got my arse handed to me for calling mine DP when we dont live together and had no plans to. Glad you havent received the same narrowmindedness.

There's nothing wrong with taking days as they come. You dont have to forward plan everything and can be spontaneous. By the sound of it he has fond memories of everything you've done together.